I'm stupid, the stupidest woman alive. I feel so weak, demoralized, ugly, incompetent and above all else anxious. I don't know what happened.
Erica...that's only because you're allowing him to make you feel that way. I don't believe you're any of those negative things. I doubt anyone on the board believes that, either.
One of the most maddening things about addicts is their inability to take responsibility for their choices and their problems. Often times they will project all the nasty things they feel about themselves onto those closest to them. Addicts are often like emotional black holes; no matter what you give them or how you support them, it doesn't register and they instead focus on what they perceive has you NOT helping them. So, I empathize.
Please try to remember that what he is projecting on you is bunk. You need to protect yourself now.
As far as the financial end of your problems, I am very, very sorry to hear this. There are no easy solutions to problems like this. The only thing I can recommend is, moment by moment, keep your wits about you as best you can by posting here, going to meetings, getting support from your friends, etc. Things may get rocky for you. But one of the biggest lessons I've learned over the past year from dealing with the addict that was in my life is even when things look absolutely hopeless, there is always tomorrow. There is always the chance we'll catch a break. And my hope for you is you catch that break and you feel relief soon.
Hang in there. I'm pulling for you and you will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight.
Best,
ZoSo