I feel such shame, I'm afraid to post this

Old 06-28-2012, 05:25 AM
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I feel such shame, I'm afraid to post this

AH texted me yesterday to pay some of the credit card bills and bad credit may be why the last two jobs didn't hire him. If he doesnt start working and picking up some slack real soon, I will be in bankrupcy court and so will he. So he starts in about how nobody will hire him if he has bad credit. He got my anxiety so high about this, that I put some of the extra money we had been hoarding for the move into our joint acct. when I deposited it I saw that he had $50 left to his name. I don't know what got into me, it was like I got so freaked out and anxious that I wasn't thinking clearly.

Then he called me and he threw everything at me. He said he wanted to blow his brains out but I saved his life by recommending NA. He guilted me because I backed out of the move and took a rental. It's all my fault he can't get a job because I am not paying all the bills. 40 min in he brought up my weight and how I let myself go and how I made excuses because I was on night shift and working overtime. He said I threw everything away and how am I going to feel when I have to see my daughter cry because I can't pay for horse riding lessons anymore. I said that happened weeks ago as how could I afford them on my salary with him not working. It is like he is oblivious to the fact that I had the smaller salary and I can't possibly hope to cover everything.

The man has gone from a 120k a year job to nothing. I just can't make up that deficit. He is homeless as of today being unemployed and unable to pay rent. When he moved in he was claiming employment, he should have backed out as his situation had changed. He blames me but even if I was still going to move out there, that rent and time for me between jobs would have broken us and we still wouldn't pay the bills. Through all this he never asked if the kids were ok or if I could afford to feed them. He reiterated that I could not stop communicating with him, as I need to run my dumb impulsive decisions... Such as getting my own place and hiring a lawyer by him before I ruin us.

I'm stupid, the stupidest woman alive. I feel so weak, demoralized, ugly, incompetent and above all else anxious. I don't know what happened.
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:31 AM
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First of all, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Second, and most important, please PLEASE stop beating yourself up. You want so badly to believe in something good but it's destroying you. We get so caught up in the guilt because all they can do is blame, blame everyone else for their problems.

I hope you don't mind me saying so but it doesn't sound like he's clean or at the very least working the program (I think I used the correct wording - still learning here) because he would not be so belligerent, so demoralizing. I know now when my ex is clean and when he's on "something".

You have to stay strong and do NOT let him make you think you are anything less than a wonderful, caring, intelligent human being because you are. Please, do something nice for yourself today. And remember, he brought this on by his actions, and there are consequences. It is not your re sponsibility to pick up th pieces from his mess.
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:43 AM
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Oh honey, you don't have to run anything by him. He has NOTHING to offer, so your focus is, naturally, on you and your daughter. Just do the best thing for the two of you and let him swing. He is facing the consequences of HIS bad decisions and they are not your consequences. Keep moving forward and minimize any contact with him. He just wants you down in the same hole he has dug for himself. You and your daughter deserve better.
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Old 06-28-2012, 06:40 AM
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Anvilhead beat me to it, why why whyy did you listen for the best part of an hour? Don't let him get to you, he's trying to drag you down to feeling as **** as he does. None of what he said has any substance. What's the worst that could happen if you ignored his calls or put the phone down when he got nasty? I decided on a boundary along the lines of 'I will not sit and listen to ANYONE insult and intimidate me'. I eventually reached a day when I decided he'd taken enough from me and he wasn't going to be taking any more!
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Old 06-28-2012, 08:44 AM
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He is on his way down to his inevitable bottom. Picture the addiction like a living screaming demon that does NOT want to lose it's grip on the addict...and as the slippery slope toward the addict's bottom speeds up the demon screams louder and lashes out at everyone around it...ESPECIALLY those that might just listen and help put the brakes on...by listening...absorbing blame...BEST of all LENDING MORE MONEY!

The man you loved is possessed by this demon of addiction. It is just like blair in the exorcist...there is NO reason to listen to him. He is going to try to get you to feel as horrible as he is right now. If he can bring you down, saying untrue gross things in order to do so, then he still has a companion on his level.

Part of the manipulation of an addict is to know where to hit you. If you have any issues around your weight then he will hit you with this one because he knows,that for you, there is some "truth" in it. If he mixes a personal and painful "truth" in with all of the addictive blame and shame and drag then it will all start to feel extra painful and doubtful.

That personal hit is the yeast which makes the bread rise.

ANY CONTACT at this point is dangerous...it is going to cause this kind of re-wounding, painful traumatizing doubt and fear. Anxiety, gut ache. Eventually we learn to not engage. IF he is ever in recovery you simply will NOT be listening to this kind of garbage addict-speak. ANY time he starts to slip into the blame shame garbage it is an indicator of his addiction.

Take your money back.
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Old 06-28-2012, 08:53 AM
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You're not weak or stupid. The compassionate person in you made a mistake. I have no doubt you will learn from it though.

He (and you, at times) underestimates your own strength. Sounds to me like you are used to believing her verbal abuse BS. He is a fool.

I pray you erase all his garbage from your mind and find your own self value again. You deserve it!
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Old 06-28-2012, 10:23 AM
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---trying to think of how I'd reply to that.......hmmmmm


"Yeah,I may have an extra pound or two---but you are an out of control drug addict. It is a pathetic insult,of the LOWEST order...trying to USE my insecurities to control me."

FOF

(F-off,forever!)

You are NOT weak,stupid,or fat----you are becoming EMPOWERED,and it
is PISSING HIM OFF.
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Old 06-28-2012, 10:32 AM
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Erica -- you did all the right things by obtaining housing and hiring a lawyer - VERY smart on your part and only a woman who is strong and focused on the health of her family will make courageous moves like that!!! The only problem is that he doesn't like it and is beginning to feel the true cost of his choices!! Until you feel more confident, I think it would be best for you to go No Contact as I don't see the point of having any conversations with him right now. If he is penniless, then that is his problem, don't you think? You have a CHILD to take care of and yes, you may have to declare bankruptcy before its all said and done. It could be worse.

Take it one day at a time and focus on what needs to be done just for TODAY to move forward and protect the assets you have. (((Hugs))) Sorry you're sad.
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Old 06-28-2012, 11:05 AM
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Go No Contact

Immediately....

Batten down the hatches....cut off his ability to manipulate you.
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Old 06-28-2012, 11:48 AM
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Yes you are all right. He wants me to believe he has been clean and clear for 3 weeks. He claims to be happier than he has ever been now that he is in NA and says I am missing out on how good things will be. He uses the "I've supported you for 18 years and noW that I have hit a bump in the road because of a disease, you abandon me line. He throws promises at me that were made years ago. Forgets his promise that though he had struggled with drugs before we met, he would never do them again. And for 16 years he kept that promise, and he always worked and took care of his family. Even with the past two of using, he still worked.

I think in reality this whole thing has happened so fast, it's really only been 6 weeks from when I found out how bad his addiction had gotten and I have had to turn the ship mid course. We were in the middle of a cross country move and a house sale. Everything has gone wrong and I have been scrambling to right things. The one person who has been there for me to turn to is now gone. I know I have to be strong, he just started out sounding like his old reliable self, then after I did what he wanted it he started laying into me and trying to get back control.

I hate this part I myself that is unsure and living in doubt.
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Old 06-28-2012, 11:56 AM
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[QUOTE=tjp61 If he is penniless, then that is his problem, don't you think? You have a CHILD to take care of and yes, you may have to declare bankruptcy before its all said and done. It could be worse. [/QUOTE]

Actually I have three children and one is developmentally disabled. You all are right I have to be smarter than this. No contact it has to be. I can't hear his bull anymore about how he wanted to blow his brains out. Ugh!
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Old 06-28-2012, 12:04 PM
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there is a part of recovery, a step, where you turn it over to your higher power

the ship was headed in the wrong direction and you didn't know it. he was steering the ship, under the influence, right for the rocks. remember, he didn't really have a job right?

you got yourself off of that ship and are in a lifeboat trying to find your heading. it is natural that you feel dazed and confused, you just avoided being in a shipwreck. you are seeking and finding crew.

for 18 years that ship sailed. you don't know what will happen in the future, you can only live in the moment, safe in your lifeboat with a change in course. you cannot guess whether he will get his bearings and turn that big old freighter around. you can only do what is best for you and start paddling.

time will calm the waters. he needs to recognize the storm he headed into, the hazards and the intense danger and he needs to get his own bearings, you do not need to continue to be his crew mate when he is a reckless captain. take a shore leave!
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Old 06-28-2012, 12:28 PM
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Originally Posted by lesliej View Post
there is a part of recovery, a step, where you turn it over to your higher power
!
I was thinking about doing that today. I thought about going to the church we were attending last year. I was helping with the youth group and when I found out about my husband using the K2, I stopped going because I felt we were not worthy or upstanding. I think it would be a wise idea for me to seek some spiritual counsel and get into a place of support. I also need to just turn it all over to God. It has become too heavy for me to bear anymore. I can't solve his addiction, joblessness, and impending homelessness, while handling the house sale, packing, the kids, creditor calls, lawyer visits and my job which is highly demanding and all the various life stuff that has to be handled. I need to decompress. I have two weeks off in July shortly after we move and It will be good to have some time to relax and play with the kids.
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Old 06-28-2012, 02:12 PM
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Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep moving forward. Progress not perfection.
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Old 06-29-2012, 05:52 AM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep moving forward. Progress not perfection.
Yes I am forgiving myself and moving on. I spoke to both of my sister in laws yesterday, we all married into the family and I am close with both. The first said "wow are they twins?" because her husband treats her the same as mine. So she didn't understand why I don't rush out there and work things out. It was an eye opener to my behavior as I saw how she has made excuses for his behavior.

The second sister in law who witnessed the worst of his use and has seen his actual behavior out there, is in full support of my decision. She said from what she has witnessed and heard him say, she believes that he wants a vacation from reality and was hoping to lure me out there so I would support him. I think she might be right. She also says he doesn't seem to miss the kids all that much. which is supported by his action of not calling them.

When he talks to me and says all the good stuff his old self would have did, it is hard for me to see reality. But he has always been resourceful and survived. I feel like a monster at times, just leaving him to his vices. The weird thing is amidst his impending homelessness and financial trouble, and I am near having a breakdown, he tells me this is the happiest he has ever been because of NA. I think it is also because he is free of the prison of responsibility. Apparently he will be getting disability from the VA and GI money, so I think he may really be wishing to not work. I just want this to all be over and be in my new place that has no ties to him, that won't end things bu it will bring some peace. I don't care anymore what I have to do to get free: divorce, bankruptcy...etc.

It's good to have a place where I can work all this out and get good feedback. This board is a lifeline for me.
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Old 06-30-2012, 08:49 AM
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I'm stupid, the stupidest woman alive. I feel so weak, demoralized, ugly, incompetent and above all else anxious. I don't know what happened.
Erica...that's only because you're allowing him to make you feel that way. I don't believe you're any of those negative things. I doubt anyone on the board believes that, either.

One of the most maddening things about addicts is their inability to take responsibility for their choices and their problems. Often times they will project all the nasty things they feel about themselves onto those closest to them. Addicts are often like emotional black holes; no matter what you give them or how you support them, it doesn't register and they instead focus on what they perceive has you NOT helping them. So, I empathize.

Please try to remember that what he is projecting on you is bunk. You need to protect yourself now.

As far as the financial end of your problems, I am very, very sorry to hear this. There are no easy solutions to problems like this. The only thing I can recommend is, moment by moment, keep your wits about you as best you can by posting here, going to meetings, getting support from your friends, etc. Things may get rocky for you. But one of the biggest lessons I've learned over the past year from dealing with the addict that was in my life is even when things look absolutely hopeless, there is always tomorrow. There is always the chance we'll catch a break. And my hope for you is you catch that break and you feel relief soon.

Hang in there. I'm pulling for you and you will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

Best,
ZoSo
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Old 06-30-2012, 10:05 AM
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????? Your husband sounds truly demented. I hope you have people around you to lean on and help you (we like to refer to them as "God with skin on"). Go ask for counseling at your local church--our priests are busy all week long seeing people for counseling and, yes, much of it is related to dealing with alcoholism, substance abuse, and/or mental illness in the family, whether spouses or children.

As far as feeling unworthy to attend church--um, it's filled with broken sinners. It's supposed to be. Just like any other place/institution/organization on earth. Difference is, in a faith community, the people are (hopefully) the ones who realize they're broken, f***up sinners and they're doing their best to surrender to their Higher Power, doing their best to get well, doing their best to help others. Very much like AA, NA, Alanon, Naranon, etc., etc. At least that's the way it is at our church (Episcopal). Actually, as everyone on SR probably already knows, Sam Shoemaker was an Episcopal priest who co-founded AA with Bill Wilson. (You can google it to find out more.)

You have so much on your plate I just hope you do catch a break and soon! You're doing a great job in a crisis.
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Old 06-30-2012, 11:17 AM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
Addicts are often like emotional black holes; no matter what you give them or how you support them, it doesn't register and they instead focus on what they perceive has you NOT helping them.
I agree. He has always felt sorry for himself, I never do enough, give enough attention, give enough respect, enough appreciation, enough sex, enough caring. And this has escalated through our marriage, got worse when he started with the drugs but was always there. The more kids we had or the more time I put into school and work, the more self pitying he would get. Just like an empty black hole that could never be filled.
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Old 06-30-2012, 11:27 AM
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Originally Posted by PrayingMama View Post
I hope you have people around you to lean on and help you (we like to refer to them as "God with skin on").

As far as feeling unworthy to attend church--um, it's filled with broken sinners. is.
Yes, my younger brother lives with us, and was going to leave because my husband is so hard on him but is staying to help with the kids. My parent-in-laws came up to give support. They went through all his addiction stuff when he was a teen. So they are supportive of me doing what needs to be done to protect the kids. And they are helping me get the house ready for the move.

As for church maybe I will find a new one without history. I felt as a youth leader that I was being duplicitous helping kids then going home to a spouse who was using, even though I didn't know a lot about the stuff he was doing. He went to the pastor for counsel and said we should both go. I asked if he brought up the K2 and he got mad. So what would we go talk about if I can't get to some root issues. He just wanted someone else to whine to and to get me in line.
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Old 06-30-2012, 11:58 AM
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Actually, a church without "history" as you put it sounds like a good idea, for you and your kids. A real fresh start.

Not surprised to hear hubby got huffy over the possibility of actually speaking the truth in counseling. Darkness hates the light. But you are absolutely right. It is a waste of everyone's time and energy if it's nothing more than an exercise in self-justification or sympathy-seeking.

Find your own counselor if you don't have one where you can speak the truth that can set you free.

So glad to hear you have some help and support at home.
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