erutxet

I've been in AA for three months and I ended up in the psychiatric ward after taking the third step of the program, which is to turn your life and your will over to a higher power as you understand him. I put my whole life into this step and I ended up feeling out of control, like I had no say in what happened to me. I felt pressure to be something I wasn't at the expense of my sobriety and that really messed me up. I'm picking up the pieces now. I've distanced myself from the AA program because I have a resentment toward it. I feel like I am a powerless, worthless piece of **** who needs God to recover, and I never wanted that. All I wanted was a way to stop drinking, not catholic guilt. I even started going to church again because I thought it would make my sobriety better, and then I felt guilty for not going to church enough and reading the bible everyday. I've never been a paticularly religious person and it angers me that AA forced me to search for my spiritual side as a way to deal with my problems with no alternative. It's still even hard to pull away from God at this point because I took the God aspect too seriously. I went in way too deep. I thought Jesus Christ was talking to me through AA and all this crap, it was horrible. I plan to go to AA again at some point but as a liberated atheist who appreciates all people's journey in sobriety, but understands that spirituality is not the only way.