I relate to your situation - I am about 4 months sober and suffer severe clinical depression and crucify myself with regrets regarding what I have done over the last few decades- a lot of damage - physical, emotional, financial - the whole caboodle- -Oscar Wilde said “a life without regrets is a life not worth living? Okay I think I see the point but some of us seem to have gone a bit overboard and the catalogue of regrets threatens to crush and paralyse whatever life we have left. My tendency towards melancholia doesn't help so I don't really let up on myself. I can't just shrug off the past - my mind wants to relive the whole thing - reinforcing the trauma - over and over ... My rational mind knows the past is not recoverable - I have to accept it - I have to see that I was ill, self medicating and trying to get by with multiple diseases (depression, alcoholism and more). I wasn't waking up in the morning when I was drinking, thinking - "right whose life can I damage - what can I do to damage my future and the future of others". There was nothing malicious about my core- I was just trying to survive in my personal reality, which was very painful. This is not to say that I don't take responsibility for my actions and I think I should have regrets. In fact if I didn't have them that would be abnormal - I have regrets because I have a conscience - otherwise I would consider myself somewhat psychopathic. So I am trying to be a bit more compassionate with regards to myself - basically as I say to my therapist - just cutting myself a little slack. If i don't do this eventually the self-criticism will kill me - either driving me to suicide or the chronic stress will end up terminating me through some other illness. I have to find compassion and forgiveness for myself - I don't believe in God so this needs to come from within me - somehow. I don't know if i can get through this- or if you can - but I think if you are on SR looking for support / advise so that indicates you want to at least try. I am working with a pysch team, AA, CBT, and I have a friend. I also find SR very helpful - I have found the posts to your thread very helpful. You can see from the posts that you are not alone - that is sometimes comforting especially when your ruminations leave you feeling you are very isolated and defeated - many people have been through what you are going through - obviously not everyone makes it to that stage where they find some peace but that must be the goal. It's tough being at the start of the process of rebuilding- A Chinese philosopher once said " the journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step" (or something to that effect) - the first steps are very hard to take- the journey seems insurmountable but I hope and pray that in a year - 2 - 5 - 10? that the steps get easier and the regrets become tempered by the positive that has come from this new journey. If that doesn't happen, I for one will be in big trouble. My late dad used to reiterate to me "you are a long time dead" whenever I was down. It is a simple but resonant street philosophy about survival from someone who grew up in the Gorbals of Glasgow. I think of this when I think it's all too much - so I for one can't give up - not whilst there is some hope.
One other thing you might consider is “Mindfulness” – I have just started reading
“Mindfulness: a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world” by Williams and Penman. My therapist recommended this – I’m sure there are many texts to choose from. It includes some meditations on CD – if you have ongoing depression this may be of interest. I have typically rejected such modern self-help type psychological concepts / therapies off hand but this seems very sound and has some solid scientific backing (which for me is important). I am finding it tough but I think it is helping and any help is welcome.
Good Luck -
David