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How do you deal with regret ?

Old 06-28-2012, 04:52 AM
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How do you deal with regret ?

Eight and a half months sober ; it's going OK.

I never DUI'd, got locked up in jail, hit anybody, crashed the car, didn't sleep around etc

But my life is littered with regrets.

I am fast seeing that I used alcohol for twenty years to self medicate my depression and now my regrets are piling up and my situation is not great at the moment (financially etc) that I find myself at the pit of a depression.

I am not going to drink - I don't drink. But this depression is all consuming.

Has anyone got a good way to deal with regrets ?

I wish I'd made better decisions in my life, and because of my bad decissions I feel I've ruined my life.
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:08 AM
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I still have regrets but I am working the steps to hopefully remedy that.

I try to put it out of my mind by doing good things TODAY.

I like that saying "don't judge me by my past because I don't live there anymore".
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:11 AM
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i am in AA and found the steps to work very good. i no longer regret y past, nor do i wish to shut the door on in.
if i forget it, i'll repeat it. if i regret it, i'll get drunk.
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:14 AM
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tiger1; Congrats on your time sober! Good work!
I am able to deal with regret through working the steps of AA- the steps must be worked in order, but starting with step 4 and working with a mentor/sponsor in the program I was able to get on paper all that was tearing me up inside. I am working on cleaning up the wreckage of my past. "We no longer regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." is one of the "promises" of working the program of AA.
Once I began the necessary work of recovery I was able to begin to see the nuggets of gold in the rubbish. Best Blessings!
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:15 AM
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tiger1, I can understand how you feel. I have so, so many regrets that all come from drinking too much. I used to use alcohol to cover up my depression, too, but in the end alcohol made me more depressed, so I drank more, and so the circle continues. Regret is such a horrible thing to deal with. We can't change the past and we can only apologise so much. There are days when I can't stop going over in my mind the things I wish I hadn't done when I was drunk, the people I wish I hadn't hurt, and the way in which I lived my life in general. But there's nothing we can do, tiger1. We can only strive to stay sober and better the situation we are in, right now.

Sometimes I just try to tell myself "You are not your past. You are what you are right now," and it works, most of the time. As soon as those regrets start creeping into my thoughts, I try to put them to one side and tell myself that I've eradicated the main problem in my life and so I should be proud, not full of regret.

You deserve as much happiness/success as everyone else does. You've made mistakes - who hasn't? You've changed and have been sober EIGHT AND A HALF MONTHS! That is amazing! Fantastic! Remind yourself of all you have achieved, and remember that you're probably the only person dwelling on all those past mistakes... everyone else is probably just in awe of what you've overcome.

Hugs.
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:15 AM
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I feel you. Your story is almost exactly like mine. I have 20 years of drinking and I have also not got in direct trouble with law etc. just my personal finances are a mess. I'm still struggling to get myself out of this deep mess.

I try not to look back at things I did. Without them I would not be here with the knowledge I now have in life. And would not be writting to a complete stranger I would like to help ;-)

I'm starting to see life differently, the challenges we face, where created by our higher selfes to learn lessons and grow from them. I now look at the futur with inspiration to be the best I can be. First half of my life half in the bag, the second half sobber and living life the way I was meant to. And eventually die, but I will die proud not for the mystakes I made, but the way I got up from them.

Just my 50 Cents
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:26 AM
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Thanks for the advice guys.

The regrets stem mostly from things/decisions I have taken over the last few years when I was sober/hungover rather than drunk. Although I suspect that whilst I was drinking I probably wasn't thinking straight about anything, at any time.

I need to leave all this failure behind but I've lost so much money and time and the world is in such a mess that I don't know that I can make things better this time.

I have no desire to drink which would have been the normal response a year ago, but I can't seem to mentally deal with what has happened to me.

Regret is useless, but it keeps running me over.
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:34 AM
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Originally Posted by tiger1 View Post
Has anyone got a good way to deal with regrets ?
Steps 4 through 9. Works every time.

The promises of step 9:

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us--sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."



Quotes from the AA Big Book, first edition
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:35 AM
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I need to leave all this failure behind but I've lost so much money and time and the world is in such a mess that I don't know that I can make things better this time.

welp, if nothin changes, nothin changes. i sure hope you arent trying to fix the world, which ya dont have to do, just gotta do your part to change you to make you a better person and that will make the world a better place.
repairing the wreckage of my past took T.I.M.E.
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:39 AM
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I'm hearing in your plethora of regrets that you haven't yet done a step 4 through 9
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:41 AM
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I have to put my head in the sand over the things i cannot change. The reality is if theres nothing i can do about those things i need to quit worrying about htem or allowing them to consume me. Thats easier said then done however. Finances also worry me. And while i cannot solve the problems of the world with my finances. I can enjoy finding ways to save a buck or reading about how to live on no money at all as crazy as it sounds the more i read on the topic the more comfortable i get about the idea of if i go broke one day would it really matter? it helps me to not worry and occupies my mind with something more positive then worrying about something i cannot change.

I hope i didnt make it sound simple tho cuase it hasnt been.
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Old 06-28-2012, 06:14 AM
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One of the things I've learned from AA is to live "one day at a time." Now you might think that's a trite little saying (I did too) but the steps of AA helped me to learn HOW to do that.

Once you get better at living one day at a time (today, because that's the only day possible) the past and the future lose their control over you. When you think about it, all regrets are in the past. And fear and anxiety is about events that (might) be in your future.

Some form of physical activity or exercise that you can do everyday can help with depression. I've really gotten into tennis. It's great physical activity and you do it with other people so there's a social aspect that dosen't include drinking.
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Old 06-28-2012, 06:24 AM
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I agree with the one day at a time. One min one hour one day keep it small. Dont sit around worrying about retirement paying off the debt in 5 years conjuring up the 5 year plan. Dont worry about what happend a week ago a year ago etc.. Worry about today making the right choices. Those right choices will be cummulative fast forward 10 years if you did look back and ahead you'd say wow its not as bleek now.

I know it sounds irresponable from what the world tells us. Oh we should have a plan we should be fiscally sound we should save for retirement kids education pay cash for that new car etc.. ON and ON and ON.... Yeah get caught up worrying about all that and its no wonder your freaking out wanting a drink.

One day just today thats it thats all you have to be concerned with. Enjoy the sunshine the scent of the wind blowing on your face. See an obstacle today as a fun challenge then get up tommorrow and do it all over again. Eventually it gets easier.
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Old 06-28-2012, 06:43 AM
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I relate to your situation - I am about 4 months sober and suffer severe clinical depression and crucify myself with regrets regarding what I have done over the last few decades- a lot of damage - physical, emotional, financial - the whole caboodle- -Oscar Wilde said “a life without regrets is a life not worth living? Okay I think I see the point but some of us seem to have gone a bit overboard and the catalogue of regrets threatens to crush and paralyse whatever life we have left. My tendency towards melancholia doesn't help so I don't really let up on myself. I can't just shrug off the past - my mind wants to relive the whole thing - reinforcing the trauma - over and over ... My rational mind knows the past is not recoverable - I have to accept it - I have to see that I was ill, self medicating and trying to get by with multiple diseases (depression, alcoholism and more). I wasn't waking up in the morning when I was drinking, thinking - "right whose life can I damage - what can I do to damage my future and the future of others". There was nothing malicious about my core- I was just trying to survive in my personal reality, which was very painful. This is not to say that I don't take responsibility for my actions and I think I should have regrets. In fact if I didn't have them that would be abnormal - I have regrets because I have a conscience - otherwise I would consider myself somewhat psychopathic. So I am trying to be a bit more compassionate with regards to myself - basically as I say to my therapist - just cutting myself a little slack. If i don't do this eventually the self-criticism will kill me - either driving me to suicide or the chronic stress will end up terminating me through some other illness. I have to find compassion and forgiveness for myself - I don't believe in God so this needs to come from within me - somehow. I don't know if i can get through this- or if you can - but I think if you are on SR looking for support / advise so that indicates you want to at least try. I am working with a pysch team, AA, CBT, and I have a friend. I also find SR very helpful - I have found the posts to your thread very helpful. You can see from the posts that you are not alone - that is sometimes comforting especially when your ruminations leave you feeling you are very isolated and defeated - many people have been through what you are going through - obviously not everyone makes it to that stage where they find some peace but that must be the goal. It's tough being at the start of the process of rebuilding- A Chinese philosopher once said " the journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step" (or something to that effect) - the first steps are very hard to take- the journey seems insurmountable but I hope and pray that in a year - 2 - 5 - 10? that the steps get easier and the regrets become tempered by the positive that has come from this new journey. If that doesn't happen, I for one will be in big trouble. My late dad used to reiterate to me "you are a long time dead" whenever I was down. It is a simple but resonant street philosophy about survival from someone who grew up in the Gorbals of Glasgow. I think of this when I think it's all too much - so I for one can't give up - not whilst there is some hope.

One other thing you might consider is “Mindfulness” – I have just started reading
“Mindfulness: a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world” by Williams and Penman. My therapist recommended this – I’m sure there are many texts to choose from. It includes some meditations on CD – if you have ongoing depression this may be of interest. I have typically rejected such modern self-help type psychological concepts / therapies off hand but this seems very sound and has some solid scientific backing (which for me is important). I am finding it tough but I think it is helping and any help is welcome.

Good Luck -
David
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Old 06-28-2012, 07:20 AM
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I returned to my childhood Sunday School God
of love and forgiveness
By living in the AA Steps...I learned how to forgive

Hope you soon find the serenity that I enjoy...
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Old 06-28-2012, 07:22 AM
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Regrets are such a pain, eh? Dealing with them, for me, has always been like taking out the trash. You don't want to handle the garbage, but it only gets worse if we let it sit around and rot.

I seperate what is happening internally for me in the present, from what has already happened in the past. We can't change the past, but we can have better todays, and so better tomorrows as well.

My regrets can keep me from letting go of the past, and so this can then create resentments against myself, people, places, and things.

I like to turn regrets around. Sometimes its easy to understand my past actions simply because of what else was going on at the time, and we all have our limits, and when we for whatever reasons surpass ourselves, we often earn regrets as a reward for our failures.

Alcoholism is such an overwhelming experience, and we all have failed in some measure against our alcoholic experiences. Sobriety is clearly the best answer to alcoholism, and the cleanup required to sustain our sobriety then becomes the proper journey going forward.

I turn my regrets around with forgiveness for myself, for being what I was, and for knowing that my past active alcoholism is not the measure of my best efforts to get on with my life. My sobriety is the best yardstick to measure both my past failures, and regrets, and my present, and future, successes.
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Old 06-28-2012, 07:34 AM
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Originally Posted by tiger1 View Post

Has anyone got a good way to deal with regrets ?

I wish I'd made better decisions in my life, and because of my bad decissions I feel I've ruined my life.
IMO the main goal of recovery (and spirituality in general) is to learn that both happiness and misery are an inside job. We can stop making mountains out of molehills and turn calamity into opportunity simply by developing a whole new outlook on life.

I am not just talking about positive thinking. Positive thinking is just a temporary kludge that masks the problem for a brief period of time. What I am talking about is an entirely new way of life like Taoism, Zen or 12 Step programs.

"In this life - pain is inevitable - suffering is optional."
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Old 06-28-2012, 07:48 AM
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Lots the think about here. Every post a winner in its own way. Thank you all.

Frankly just knowing I am not going totally crazy feeling like this made me feel better.

The past is the past. But if I told you what I'd manage to screw up over the past few years I am sure you'd be amazed. But the past is the past and I need to let it go.

Forgiving myself is the hard thing. I do believe in God and I know He will forgive me if I ask, but it's myself I can't forgive. So I just keep beating up on myself.

I'm going to read all the posts again and think. I'll try to be positive.

Thank you, friends.
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Old 06-28-2012, 10:39 AM
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Even if AA is not your method of choice for recovery, get your hands on a really good Step book. I agree that steps 4-9 deal specifically with what you are asking. I didn't believe it myself for a long time--I do not attend AA meetings but do attend another 12 step group meetings rather inconsistently. Something clicked inside of me just a couple of days ago when I was literally riddled with guilt, regret, anxiety et al....I realized the answers were in those steps. Especially #4. I bought a workbook and it just flowed out of me! I am seeing the magic.

Anyway--don't be so hard on yourself! Here's a quote I read--don't know who to credit it to--but it is in response to someone judging someone else:

"If her past were your past, her pain your pain, her level of consciousness your level of consciousness, you would think and act exactly as she does. When your realize this, you will have forgiveness, compassion and peace."

Maybe give YOURSELF this compassion they mention. You did the best you could with where you were at the time. Forward!
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Old 06-28-2012, 12:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Boleo View Post
IMO the main goal of recovery (and spirituality in general) is to learn that both happiness and misery are an inside job. We can stop making mountains out of molehills and turn calamity into opportunity simply by developing a whole new outlook on life.

I am not just talking about positive thinking. Positive thinking is just a temporary kludge that masks the problem for a brief period of time. What I am talking about is an entirely new way of life like Taoism, Zen or 12 Step programs.

"In this life - pain is inevitable - suffering is optional."
Boleo, you are amazing. I want what you've got. Please tell me what you do
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