I feel such shame, I'm afraid to post this
AH texted me yesterday to pay some of the credit card bills and bad credit may be why the last two jobs didn't hire him. If he doesnt start working and picking up some slack real soon, I will be in bankrupcy court and so will he. So he starts in about how nobody will hire him if he has bad credit. He got my anxiety so high about this, that I put some of the extra money we had been hoarding for the move into our joint acct. when I deposited it I saw that he had $50 left to his name. I don't know what got into me, it was like I got so freaked out and anxious that I wasn't thinking clearly.
Then he called me and he threw everything at me. He said he wanted to blow his brains out but I saved his life by recommending NA. He guilted me because I backed out of the move and took a rental. It's all my fault he can't get a job because I am not paying all the bills. 40 min in he brought up my weight and how I let myself go and how I made excuses because I was on night shift and working overtime. He said I threw everything away and how am I going to feel when I have to see my daughter cry because I can't pay for horse riding lessons anymore. I said that happened weeks ago as how could I afford them on my salary with him not working. It is like he is oblivious to the fact that I had the smaller salary and I can't possibly hope to cover everything.
The man has gone from a 120k a year job to nothing. I just can't make up that deficit. He is homeless as of today being unemployed and unable to pay rent. When he moved in he was claiming employment, he should have backed out as his situation had changed. He blames me but even if I was still going to move out there, that rent and time for me between jobs would have broken us and we still wouldn't pay the bills. Through all this he never asked if the kids were ok or if I could afford to feed them. He reiterated that I could not stop communicating with him, as I need to run my dumb impulsive decisions... Such as getting my own place and hiring a lawyer by him before I ruin us.
I'm stupid, the stupidest woman alive. I feel so weak, demoralized, ugly, incompetent and above all else anxious. I don't know what happened.