Hopeful...
I so understand so many of the things you are saying. Those of us who make the very hard decision to move on just need love, support and time...to move through the transition.
There were a lot of reasons why I finally made the decision, and having the list in my head is very helpful. For one thing I realized that it was just the absolute best thing for BOTH of us. If he is ever going to be successful in recovery he needs to be surrounded by hope and faith and trust. In our relationship he had used and abused these precious gifts. I think the addict gets to a point where they really believe their own lies. It's brutally painful. Everything I think and say about the addict has the flip side for me...
If I am ever going to be successful in a relationship, it needs to be surrounded by hope, faith and trust. In our relationship he had used and abused these precious gifts. And I had used them too. I wanted that relationship to work. I wanted to be with him. But he was in addiction. Addiction negates truth and trust. But I kept trying to USE hope and faith and trust to try to insist that we could be together. Until it was all in a shambles on the floor. This is how I see my part. I abused my ability to trust by the fact that I kept using it as a weapon to protect the love I wanted.
I had to come to accept the idea of false hope, and fantasy. This was something that I used to vehemently resist. I had big resentments toward people who would bring up the idea of fantasy. It wasn't until I started suffering from exhaustion, and could no longer hold up the broken pieces of trust and glue them together with hope as a tattered shield for our broken relationship...that the truth started filtering in through the cracks.
And when I finally realized that it truly was the best thing for BOTH of us...it was so much easier to let go. I had finally learned to love myself enough. AND I realized that loving him from a distance, with compassion and hope, could even be somewhat unconditional (!!!). It is my life, my realities, my normal expectations on a relationship that have healthy conditions!!! I can love him, have hope for him and feel compassion for him because I no longer rely on him for trust, truth, respect, partnership, honesty, and capability...all of the normal, healthy things one needs for real love to survive.
And yes...the splittedness, the jekyll and hyde starts to develop in the codependent. We do become sick in the long run. I read here once that codependency is the "gateway" to personality disorders. yes indeed. As you keep moving forward you are going to be amazed.
For a codependent there is that period of withdrawal too. And then we begin to experience all of the relief of being in abstinence from our destructive drug. We begin to understand that life is filled with love, hope, joy, trust, and lightness. Keep peeling the fingers of the grip of addiction off your heart.
And pray for those you love...from a healthy, safe, silent distance. God loves them more than we do.