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Letting Go after being hopeful for so long

Old 06-25-2012, 06:41 AM
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Letting Go after being hopeful for so long

I originally came to this board very hopeful (obviously from my screen name) that my boyfriend was going to get on the right path and that after all this time, all of my support, unconditional love, standing by him, would pay off.

Funny thing is, after he quit for the second time, as time went slowly on (not that long), all of the feelings came sneaking in. I was exhausted! And realized I had no patience any more, no tolerance, didn't want to do 'anything' for him, tried to not carry around resentment, felt he "owed" me, (the latter two being unproductive I know), and we continued to argue, each time having less and less good days in between.

The day he asked for us to start fresh (it was in a text, so long that he had to give me his cell phone to read it because it wouldn't come through on my older phone) was the day I told him I needed a break. I shocked him I know, in fact I shocked myself because although I had been tossing it around for a while, I hadn't planned it - yet the words were leaving my mouth and I found myself not taking them back. While I had his cell phone, I took a quick peak at his texts and there it was...a text saying he wanted about "5 or 6" to the guy he only associated with when he wanted his Vicodin. This was one month after he swore off of them, went through horrendous withdrawals, and when I told him that if he went back to them even once, there would be no more chances, I would leave. He doesn't know I saw the text, and yes it was so wrong of me to snoop, but I'm glad I did.

So, nearly one month later, he is leaving this weekend. He has hit rock bottom. Apparently the night I s aid I needed a break, he lost his job that same day. Why? Because he lied so many times to them, was not consistently responsible, stole (not sure if they knew this) from them, and was disrespectful and argumentative to his superiors. It didn't shock me but he is finally, after al this time, realizing what he is losing. He hasn't begged to stay, only said that he doesn't want this. I am finally taking my life back and took an extended long weekend next weekend to begin healing, clean my place to make it my own, and to get back on track. I'm scared, sad, lonely (though I've been lonely for a long time now), angry, etc. yet I pray, and I pray, and hope that he chooses the right path - he has been presented with a couple of options - to move to his Mom's in another state or to his aunt's locally - and to either admit himself to a facility or do outpatient. Frankly I think his only option is admitting himself becuase the psychiatrist he met with last weeksaid he not only has substance abuse issues, but has relationship issues and job stability issues.

I guess I'm in some stage of mourning. Because this past Saturday, for at least a couple of hours, I got to see how he can be with no pretenses, no walls, no outside stressors or artificial influences, and he was so kind, attentive, ENJOYABLE. We went tothe zoo, sort of a last 'date' if you will to try to leave things on a good note, and it's only in these rare times that he's been like this. As soon as he's caught up in everything else around him, he's that angry, argumentative, nasty person.

But it was weird, he's been on suboxone for two months, went off of them for a week because he didn't have the money to get them, and that was when he was humble, sorry for his actions, wanting me to start taking care of myself and then as soon as he went back on the suboxone, he was back to his "normal" self. What gives, can suboxone take the place of pain meds for some people? I've read that some actually get high from this and I'm thinking it might be the case because he claims one of the boxes he last filled atthe pharmacy was "empty" so he got a second script only to say to his doctor that he left them in his car and they melted. So what's up with Suboxone? I know this is the last stage for me to detach but I'm so confused with his jekyl and hide personality that I just want to understand this last part.
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Old 06-25-2012, 06:47 AM
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What did he say when you told him you read the text? Maybe he wanted you to see it. He did let you read his phone. If he chooses to live like that, you would do well to leave him alone. :ghug3
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Old 06-25-2012, 06:56 AM
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Originally Posted by HopefulGF65 View Post
What gives, can suboxone take the place of pain meds for some people? I've read that some actually get high from this and I'm thinking it might be the case because he claims one of the boxes he last filled atthe pharmacy was "empty" so he got a second script only to say to his doctor that he left them in his car and they melted. So what's up with Suboxone? I know this is the last stage for me to detach but I'm so confused with his jekyl and hide personality that I just want to understand this last part.
Soboxone takes the place of other opiate pain meds, yes, that is exactly what it is made for.
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Old 06-25-2012, 07:00 AM
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I didn't tell him that I read the text. I'm not even justifying what I did because I know it was wrong on so many levels, but I had to know. Telling him would only breed more lies (from him) because there was always an excuse, always a story, and then there would've been an argument and I'm just....so....tired of arguing.

Once he's moved, I know I will feel more free. His Aunt, who is also in psycho therapy, told me that she knows how I feel about him and his family loves me, but they all know I need to start taking care of myself and move on as I can't wait for him. She's right and I'm pretty much there.

It's justvery very sad.

Pink, thank you for stopping by, I appreciate it.
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Old 06-25-2012, 07:01 AM
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Originally Posted by lolcabbage View Post
Soboxone takes the place of other opiate pain meds, yes, that is exactly what it is made for.
I know so little of it. There was a time where I would have spent hours researching but I'm exhausted from all of this and I literally have to FORCE myself to do things for me instead of for him because I feel guilty so easily.
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Old 06-25-2012, 07:26 AM
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I am sorry you are going through all this Hopeful. Nothing good comes from active addiction.

Your name is still appropriate...YOUR just "hopeful" about YOUR new life, YOUR new path. I know you are exhausted but some Alanon or Naranon meetings would help. They are NOT about him, they are about YOU. I always feel stronger and re-energized after I leave one.

I pray as you start your new journey, you seek some healthier ways to live you life (if your not), This whole addiction mess can really distort our thinking. God Bless.
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Old 06-25-2012, 08:35 AM
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LoveMeNot, thank you for that reminder. I don't know where my new path will take me but I'm taking one day at a time. At one point, there were several nights I almost went to a Naranon mtg. and I do plan on still going because it's still not over for me (the emotional turmoil has taken its toll for sure). I can't tell you how many physical ailments I went through, including having signs of a possible heart attack! all due to emotional stress. I have gained so much weight which is really frustrating because I am athletic and was very active but for the longest time I didn't want to leave the house and work was my only 'safe' place.

I know i'm not alone and feel for everyone who has gone through - or is going through - this awful journey. I know at some point I'll be ok but it makes me sad that, at 42 years old, he may never be...
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Old 06-25-2012, 09:57 AM
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My son is an opiate addict (heroin) and has been on/off suboxone a couple of times. I'm not saying that this is what your boyfriend is doing for sure, but if it were my son exhibiting these behaviors I would suspect this: that he sold his suboxone or traded them for Vicodin. When he had the vicodin, he was in a good mood and was calm. Then he realized that wasn't going to work either, so wanted to get back on the subs....but he had sold them...so he had to make up a story to tell his doctor to get a new scrip. (Opiate addicts are often seeking suboxone when they think they can detox themselves. It rarely works for more than a few days.)

When he's not on his vicodin, he is surely going through the inevitable depression and anxiety....resulting in his being moody and argumentative. From what I've seen, suboxone doesn't really help much with these symptoms.

Bottom line is that he's not done yet....and you ARE.

I am glad you are reclaiming your life. It's gonna be a rocky road for awhile if you allow him to continue communications with you....and he WILL want that. Have you considered that? Do you feel able and strong enough to go completely No Contact?

After he moves out, whether he lives with his aunt, his mother, goes in or outpatient, or continues to use...is not your concern anymore. You've chosen to get off the roller coaster so head for the exit signs and leave the amusement park. Life is waiting! (((Hugs)))
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Old 06-25-2012, 11:28 AM
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Oh....wow. I first read this when I got back from lunch but couldn't reply right away because I could feel that so familiar feeling in my gut, almost like you're going to be sick from the knowledge, because of some new realization and it's shocking even though you didn't think you could be shocked any more than you have been. I needed this, needed the reality check that he's probably still using. His intentions are good, of that I have no doubt, he wants to get better, but he keeps making these poor choices and I sadly have a feeling you are right. I mean, he is SO believable when he tells his lies, so insistent that it sometimes has you questioning your own reality even though you know without a shadow of a doubt that it's a lie. I knew something was up when he first told me a couple of weeks ago the second of two boxes was empty - and he told me got so upset with the pharmacy he threw the box at them when they wouldn't refill it. That's how explosive he has gotten when he's desparate. I should've known.

And then, when he told the doctor after being questioned how his refill got used so quickly that he left them in the car and they melted, it was obviously one lie on top of another. I thought maybe because of his addictive personality he is getting addicted to the suboxone, but in his circle it's so prevalent (the overuse of pain meds - probably most starting from sports injuries - since that is our circle) that it's very likely the case (what you suggested).

When I confessed to a co-worker what was going on, he told me he got addicted. Now mind you, this guy is a straight arrow, really into sports, and severely injured his arm. He took them as needed but because his injury was so severe, I think he said his dose was strong or that he was taking them as soon as he was able. When he no longer needed them, he was shocked at the fact he experienced withdrawals. He didn't overuse, doesn't have a history, just the simple fact of needing them for an injury. I have a chronic back issue that bothers me even when walking through a supermarket and it sux beyond belief but I don't want to go on pain meds and have no idea how to get rid of this discomfort.

It just makes me angry that something so helpful (and legitimately needed)can turn lives around in such an ugly way. Awful....just awful.
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Old 06-25-2012, 12:24 PM
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Yeah-- and that's how my son progressed to heroin-- the Queen Mother of horror.
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Old 06-25-2012, 12:43 PM
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Oh...I'm so sorry. I have a friend who's son is a chronic abuser and see the turmoil that she goes through...wanting to be a Mom but knowing that she needs to stay detached. I can walk away but it's got to be even more difficult when it's someone who is permanently a part of your life.

Hugs to you and all the parents, siblings, children out there...
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Old 06-25-2012, 12:56 PM
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I had a few very painful surgeries and have had to take percocets. I even remember taking them more often than every 4 hours because the pain was so bad. I had some withdrawals but nothing major but my mind wanted more. I never got more.

I have mixed feelings about it. I personally think it's the person, not the drugs when it comes to addiction. JMHO

My husband is over 30 days clean from a percocet addiction. He, too, started taking them from a surgery. But, today, he would tell you..it was HIM, not the drug. He liked the feeling and the escape of dealing with life on life's terms. He now believes he has always had "addict" thinking....well before he became one. He never did much in moderation even as a child.
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Old 06-27-2012, 06:46 AM
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I have been practically glued to this board since returning, mostly reading others' posts, afraid to offer much advice unless it's very similar to my own situation, and just trying to make my way through this ordeal.

I know I'm making the right decision by ending the relationship with my boyfriend, enforcing that he move out this weekend, detaching, preparing to move on, etc. etc. yet, why can't I stop crying? The times we were fighting (quite alot in the last few months) and not speaking to one another, it made it easier in a way because the anger replaced feeling sorry for him. But now that I'm essentially free, and the burden is slowly being lifted, I just feel...sad. I like who I am and like that I learned compassion from my parents, but I feel right now it is keeping me from completely moving forward.

Is this normal? I don't want to have hate in my heart but I just want to STOP CRYING. I've had enough of that the last year.
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Old 06-27-2012, 07:44 AM
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Originally Posted by HopefulGF65 View Post
I have been practically glued to this board since returning, mostly reading others' posts, afraid to offer much advice unless it's very similar to my own situation, and just trying to make my way through this ordeal.

I know I'm making the right decision by ending the relationship with my boyfriend, enforcing that he move out this weekend, detaching, preparing to move on, etc. etc. yet, why can't I stop crying? The times we were fighting (quite alot in the last few months) and not speaking to one another, it made it easier in a way because the anger replaced feeling sorry for him. But now that I'm essentially free, and the burden is slowly being lifted, I just feel...sad. I like who I am and like that I learned compassion from my parents, but I feel right now it is keeping me from completely moving forward.

Is this normal? I don't want to have hate in my heart but I just want to STOP CRYING. I've had enough of that the last year.
Oh, Hopeful. Reading this really tugged at my heartstrings, because I'm in the midst of a breakup as well, and I know these feelings all too well. I was so hopeful for when my gf finally quit the vicodin, but it was nothing like I thought. And it was so hard for me to snap out of the 'care taker' role because it was what I did for so long. We're still living together (out of necessity, I moved across the country to be with her, so it's going to take a little time to get back home...) and the times that she acts like herself just break my heart.

I haven't reached the relief stage yet, but I figure it's got to be coming. This is true for you too! Think of all the things you can do when your brain isn't cluttered up with worry and anxiety. Think of everything you can accomplish without his issues holding you back. You know intellectually that you're better off, but soon you will know it in your heart too. This is the right thing. And I know how much harder it is to move on when you can see glimpses of the person you fell in love with- but keep reminding yourself that even if clean (which he clearly isn't...), he's not going to be that exact person you met and loved again. It hurts, but you need to remember it to move on.

Do kind things for yourself. I love your thread about what you do to take care of yourself. Keep doing that stuff! Think of all the time and energy you devoted to him and his addiction. Now think of all that time you now have for YOU.

You will be okay, I promise.

Big hugs and good vibes to you!
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Old 06-27-2012, 07:57 AM
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Thank you so much for those kind words. Just like I see two different people in my ex, I feel almost like I'm two different people at times...one who is strong, confident, and can take care of myself and the other who has self esteem issues, knows nothing else but being a caretaker (first for my ailing parents, for my ex-husband who was irresponsible with money, an ex who was bi-polar and now this), and afraid I'll never have a happy, healthy relationship with a man.

Prior to this, any time I heard of someone who is an addict, it barely effected me. But this morning, I was talking with a co-worker about a 'case' we are working on (can't really talk much about the work I do) and a mom found out her addicted son had been stealing from her. Suddenly I felt a twinge of anger and felt sorry for her. Then when I heard more of the story and how she pays for his phone, etc. etc. I felt annoyed (while still feeling sorry for her) because I realized how she is enabling him. I'm just wondering if, starting today, hearing about addiction will always strike a cord with me now.

I'm sorry that you are somewhat stuck at the moment. I know the last month, even after I decided to end the relationship, living with him was so emotional, so up and down because of the glimpses I saw of what I know I was going to miss. It's hard to stay focused on yourself when the root of your chaos is still with you. Hopefully you have some outlets and ways of being away from the house as much as possible and that you're taking care of yourself. And hopefully you will find your way back home real soon!
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Old 06-27-2012, 08:18 AM
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Originally Posted by HopefulGF65 View Post
I'm just wondering if, starting today, hearing about addiction will always strike a cord with me now.
I suspect it will. You and the rest of us here relate to others who are in a relationship with an addict. I never thought I would have a son who was addicted to heroin but I do. Just as addicts wanting to recover need to reach out to others who have walked in their shoes so do we the friends and family members of addicts need to reach out to others who have walked in our shoes.
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Old 06-27-2012, 08:29 AM
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I can relate to almost everything you wrote! I also feel like two different people: strong and independent vs. weak caretaker who knows nothing else (like you, I've been a caretaker in every.single.relationship I've been in). It must be very difficult to deal with this both at work and at home- and I think you're probably right, it will always strike a chord with you, because you know how it can (and likely will) turn out.

Stay strong. It is so sad to realize a situation is hopeless, but the only place to go from here is up.
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Old 06-27-2012, 09:45 AM
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Well, you are experiencing GRIEF over the loss of your relationship and the dreams you once held! It's natural to have these periods of sadness and depression. Do a little research into the "5 Stages of Grief" and I believe you will find yourself in the middle of this process. Note as you read about it, that the KEY to moving on to the next stage is to allow yourself to FEEL whatever comes up, rather than stuff it. So, even though the crying is disturbing, it's actually very healthy that you are doing so.

Here's one article that I found: Relationships Ending: The Five Stages of Grief After a Break Up

(((((Hugs))))) Remember, you gotta go through it to get to IT. Everything will be OK. It really will.
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Old 06-27-2012, 10:42 AM
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Hopeful...

I so understand so many of the things you are saying. Those of us who make the very hard decision to move on just need love, support and time...to move through the transition.

There were a lot of reasons why I finally made the decision, and having the list in my head is very helpful. For one thing I realized that it was just the absolute best thing for BOTH of us. If he is ever going to be successful in recovery he needs to be surrounded by hope and faith and trust. In our relationship he had used and abused these precious gifts. I think the addict gets to a point where they really believe their own lies. It's brutally painful. Everything I think and say about the addict has the flip side for me...

If I am ever going to be successful in a relationship, it needs to be surrounded by hope, faith and trust. In our relationship he had used and abused these precious gifts. And I had used them too. I wanted that relationship to work. I wanted to be with him. But he was in addiction. Addiction negates truth and trust. But I kept trying to USE hope and faith and trust to try to insist that we could be together. Until it was all in a shambles on the floor. This is how I see my part. I abused my ability to trust by the fact that I kept using it as a weapon to protect the love I wanted.

I had to come to accept the idea of false hope, and fantasy. This was something that I used to vehemently resist. I had big resentments toward people who would bring up the idea of fantasy. It wasn't until I started suffering from exhaustion, and could no longer hold up the broken pieces of trust and glue them together with hope as a tattered shield for our broken relationship...that the truth started filtering in through the cracks.

And when I finally realized that it truly was the best thing for BOTH of us...it was so much easier to let go. I had finally learned to love myself enough. AND I realized that loving him from a distance, with compassion and hope, could even be somewhat unconditional (!!!). It is my life, my realities, my normal expectations on a relationship that have healthy conditions!!! I can love him, have hope for him and feel compassion for him because I no longer rely on him for trust, truth, respect, partnership, honesty, and capability...all of the normal, healthy things one needs for real love to survive.

And yes...the splittedness, the jekyll and hyde starts to develop in the codependent. We do become sick in the long run. I read here once that codependency is the "gateway" to personality disorders. yes indeed. As you keep moving forward you are going to be amazed.

For a codependent there is that period of withdrawal too. And then we begin to experience all of the relief of being in abstinence from our destructive drug. We begin to understand that life is filled with love, hope, joy, trust, and lightness. Keep peeling the fingers of the grip of addiction off your heart.

And pray for those you love...from a healthy, safe, silent distance. God loves them more than we do.
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Old 06-27-2012, 10:44 AM
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You're right, I really am experiencing grief. I wanted him to be "the one" because there are so many things that I do like about him and that made me smile. But the longer I was with him, the less impact those good things had until I reached the point where I am now - that nothing he does (good) is worth the heartache.

Even now, I am almost holding my breath hoping with all hope that he makes the right choice (inpatient) or, at the very least, outpatient. But the hope is no longer because I want "us" to work, it's simply because in some way, I will always care and I do hope he finds some peace in his troubled world.

Thinking about it now, he told me that in his late teens or early 20's I believe, he did alot of coke and supposedly quit cold turkey. And all his adult like he smoked, so I guess the addiction was always there, he just traded one for the other possibly because he didn't have the $ to buy anything and prescribed pain meds was the easiest.

I really am looking forward to being on my own. I do hope to find a nice man one day but know that I have to be in a much better place to even be open to recognizing a good choice. All I know is, I'm thankful for this place, everyone is so helpful.
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