Thanks everyone.
I'd like to say this isn't me, that I'm far too strong and smart... but lately I've been realising that I have a very unhealthy pattern of falling for people who need "saving". I think it's me who needs saving, and not by anyone else.. just by me.
There's a part of me that always knows that what is happening isn't right, and I know I have to leave; but it's once I've left, once the dust has settled that I feel alone and afraid. I wonder; if they aren't contacting me, maybe I'm not worth contacting, and if I'm not worth contacting, then I'm not worth anything.
Then smart Jessica kicks up and says "Are you crazy? HE is the one with the problem. YOU didn't hold a gun to his head and make him drink. YOU didn't tell him to abuse you when he was drunk. YOU didn't tell him to spend all your money and drink drive. HE chose to live like this. HE chose to pick up that drink even though he knew it would turn him in to a monster".
The thing is - I know all of this, but I don't really KNOW of all of this. I know it because it's logical but at the same time my heart doesn't want to believe it. When he said to me "We hurt each other and I want you to be happy, you're an amazing woman and can achieve so much" - all I got from that was that he had moved on and I had been so easy to move on from. I should see it for the manipulation that it is. Or maybe it's not manipulation, maybe it's the truth? I'm so confused and I feel so stupid for posting incessantly on this forum but it's the only place I'm finding sanity.
I am struggling so much at work, crying anytime someone asks me if I'm ok. It's all I can do to just scream YOU KNOW WHAT, NO I'M NOT OK!
Sorry