Struggling with no contact

Old 06-25-2012, 07:04 PM
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Struggling with no contact

I'm weak. I caved today and messaged him saying I missed him and I was so hurt that he was just acting as though I had never been in his life. I felt hurt that he could hurt me so much and still not realise he had a problem. I regret texting him, I know he can only realise he has a problem when HE is ready, and that he has to come to that realization on his own. I think I keep trying to force him to realise it because it's all that stands in the way of us being together.

I know I have to let go but it hurts like hell knowing that I love him but cannot be with him.
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Old 06-25-2012, 07:20 PM
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"I think I keep trying to force him to realise it because it's all that stands in the way of us being together. "

His drinking is not all that stands in the way. He is a physical abuser, that is entirely a
different behavior issue, alcohol may magnify his abuse, however, the abuse will
continue drinking or not.

IMO it is in your best interest to go no contact this guy is dangerous.
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Old 06-25-2012, 07:48 PM
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I understand how you feel. I am going through a similar thing. I struggle too but the realistic thing is that you can't make him realize anything, he has to do it on his own. It does hurt like hell but it also hurts like hell to be with someone who doesn't treat you properly. We have to make different choices if we want different results.
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Old 06-25-2012, 08:35 PM
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Reading "Getting Them Sober" will explain to you why contacting him is so futile and will help you feel strong enough to stay away. The title is misleading (it's a catch, to get spouses of alcoholics to pick it up). The book is really about the manipulations of the alcoholic in his disease and how it controls the partner.

Online at alibris.com you can find used copies very cheap.

Do not be hard on yourself. This is the disease affecting you. We get confused. Desperate. Lose self-respect.

But you will do better, just keep moving forward. (But not toward him. Stay away for now).
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Old 06-25-2012, 08:53 PM
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You have to see it for what it is as much as it hurts..

Its not the booze its him.. Unless you find it in yourself to make you happy someone like this will always have a hold over you.

Honestly do you think he out of the billions of people on this planet is the only one for you ??

Make this about you.
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Old 06-25-2012, 09:23 PM
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Thanks everyone.

I'd like to say this isn't me, that I'm far too strong and smart... but lately I've been realising that I have a very unhealthy pattern of falling for people who need "saving". I think it's me who needs saving, and not by anyone else.. just by me.

There's a part of me that always knows that what is happening isn't right, and I know I have to leave; but it's once I've left, once the dust has settled that I feel alone and afraid. I wonder; if they aren't contacting me, maybe I'm not worth contacting, and if I'm not worth contacting, then I'm not worth anything.

Then smart Jessica kicks up and says "Are you crazy? HE is the one with the problem. YOU didn't hold a gun to his head and make him drink. YOU didn't tell him to abuse you when he was drunk. YOU didn't tell him to spend all your money and drink drive. HE chose to live like this. HE chose to pick up that drink even though he knew it would turn him in to a monster".

The thing is - I know all of this, but I don't really KNOW of all of this. I know it because it's logical but at the same time my heart doesn't want to believe it. When he said to me "We hurt each other and I want you to be happy, you're an amazing woman and can achieve so much" - all I got from that was that he had moved on and I had been so easy to move on from. I should see it for the manipulation that it is. Or maybe it's not manipulation, maybe it's the truth? I'm so confused and I feel so stupid for posting incessantly on this forum but it's the only place I'm finding sanity.

I am struggling so much at work, crying anytime someone asks me if I'm ok. It's all I can do to just scream YOU KNOW WHAT, NO I'M NOT OK!

Sorry
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Old 06-26-2012, 02:15 AM
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Knowing something intellectually and knowing something emotionally are different: I have a Looooonnnnnggggg disconnect before my emotional self catches up to where my logical mind has got to.

Can you do something nice just for you today, treat yourself, take some time off work, walk in a park or a forest, visit a gallery, go do something that you weren't able to do with him (or somehow just didn't get round to)?

When he said to me "We hurt each other and I want you to be happy, you're an amazing woman and can achieve so much" - all I got from that was that he had moved on and I had been so easy to move on from..
If he has moved on quickly - that would not say anything about you, and your worth, that would be about him. His thoughts and actions and beliefs reflect his reality, not the essence of who you are.

I should see it for the manipulation that it is. Or maybe it's not manipulation, maybe it's the truth? .
I'm sure you are amazing and are capable of many wonderful things. However, whether or not when he says it he is saying what he really thinks about you, or whether that is manipulation on his part does not affect the reality of who you are.

I used to see myself only through the filter of other people's expressed experience of me: I relied entirely on other people's assessment of me to tell me whether I was good/bad/selfish/kind etc. Is still don't really know why, but have been working over the last 6 years to define myself without recourse to external judgements.

I used to think I was fundamentally wrong somehow, not broken, as that implies I was fine at some point, damage was done to me and I broke and I didn't think that: I thought I wasn't put together "right". Using others to define you is a very miserable place to be, and dangerous when I consider some of the sources I used to define me.

I'm so confused and I feel so stupid for posting incessantly on this forum but it's the only place I'm finding sanity.
not stupid: never stupid.
reaching out is a good thing, post and vent away:
SR helped me begin to believe that I didn't need "saving" or "fixing": I was pretty much fine, with a few rough edges that I could choose to polish up if I wanted to.
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Old 06-26-2012, 05:21 AM
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You've only made 7 posts, so not quite posting too much.
You need to talk this out and post until you don't need to anymore.

I know it's hard not to contact them because you just want to believe they are ok, that they are "normal" somewhere underneath their actions.
Contacting them is all part of your "addiction" to this ride, and yes totally futile. As futile as poking a dead fish hoping it wakes up.
All contact brings is pain....though sometimes contact is what's needed to finally see there is no hope.
We all have our own rock bottom and maybe you're not there yet.

Whatever you decide to do, just know you need to fix you. It's the only way this pattern stops. You can and never will be in a healthy relationship until you work on your own "stuff"
hug
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Old 06-26-2012, 06:15 AM
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When you throw a broken toaster out, you just go buy a new one and never think of the old one.
This is how the brain of people with serious mental illness feel.
It's not only you they discard, they do it to everyone.
What I've also learned is that they can and do feel love, but that feeling of love is scarier than any feeling in the world. They take good feelings as a threat, so they need to kill those feelings either with addictions, violence or just meeting someone knew.
They recycle people all the time.
It's not you, it's their lack of attachment to reality.
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Old 06-26-2012, 09:15 AM
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I think I keep trying to force him to realise it because it's all that stands in the way of us being together.
I suggest reviewing the terrible experiences you had with him, the abuse and lack of responsibility. Unwilling to stop drinking. That's what you're connecting to. You don't seem to understand that alcoholics put the bottle before everyone in their lives. And, there's nothing you can do or say that will change that.
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