Reading "Getting Them Sober" will explain to you why contacting him is so futile and will help you feel strong enough to stay away. The title is misleading (it's a catch, to get spouses of alcoholics to pick it up). The book is really about the manipulations of the alcoholic in his disease and how it controls the partner.
Online at alibris.com you can find used copies very cheap.
Do not be hard on yourself. This is the disease affecting you. We get confused. Desperate. Lose self-respect.
But you will do better, just keep moving forward. (But not toward him. Stay away for now).