Shellcrusher - you've been missed. I think of you every time I drive on the highway with my headlights on...and laugh at how you knew that about our highways and I didn't! Still watching the Alaska Troopers show? I watch on occasion - catching up with old friends, ya know! ; )
I am sorry you are here again, though. I am finally divorcing. I know I couldn't get past a lot of stuff - and honestly I am still very suspicious of the stbx. Nothing much changed during his 18 months of sobriety. He said some good things sometimes, but no action. When I laid it all out very clearly...what I needed...I either got defensiveness, blame, or denial. It finally dawned on me that he simply doesn't have it to give, and if he needs to blame me, fine. But I can no longer continue in a relationship that doesn't meet my needs. At all.
Soooooo...maybe you aren't reverting back to your codie ways, maybe you have a reason to be suspicious and untrusting. If I remember correctly, she did a lot of damage. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I am still apologizing to my girls about the damage done from alcoholism (even though I know its not necessary). It takes time to heal from it all.
Keep coming back!
~T