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~ 1 year later w/ current thoughts

Old 06-19-2012, 10:24 AM
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~ 1 year later w/ current thoughts

It's been a long time since I've posted here. I see a few familiar faces although I'm not up to speed on everyone. As I recall, this place was always a relatively safe place to discuss things and I have a feeling I'll be here a bit more in the future. Don't welcome me back. I don't really want to be here.

I'm not sure where this post will take me.

For those who recall, those who don't and everyone else, it has been over a year since I almost filed papers to divorce my then, active AW. It was very hard times. Currently, my RAW did everything she said she would. She got herself an addiction specialist, went to therapy, etc. The codie in me constantly looked for those old signs. I didn't see any and in time I didn't even think about those dark days. I can't say the core of my RAW changed but from all points, she was not drinking/using anymore. My tension subsidded and everything was going very well.

I can't say things were peachy all the time but I soon realized that our biggest fights were about the dog chewing on my shoes and other insignificant things. That was actually a good feeling.

As time marched on, I realized I was approaching what I consider an anniversary of sorts. I was living through the months where a year ago, my wife was at her lowest points. The bad memories came flooding back. Feelings of mistrust started to rise up. It wasn't as if I regained my trust in her. That part of our marriage is serously broken but I took things 1 day at a time. I still do. That said, I knew I was thinking about it too much and worked hard to keep them at bay. I was still in guitar classes and trying to do other things that I enjoyed and really concentrating on my son.

The ebb and flow of those feelings continued in the back of my head. As what I consider the annual date of when I would have had papers served loomed overhead, my levels of anxiety increased and so did my suspicions. A few times I asked my RAW if she was drinking. She always says no.

My RAW is now beyond 1 year of sobriety. Lately though, things don't always add up. She's been making choices lately that are reminiscent of days gone by. It's not only choices she's making but things she's doing. These choices and behaviors are triggers for me. She was famous for blameshifting, overly defensive and non-communicative. She's been able to once again make me feel like the big bad wolf here and frankly, it pisses me off to feel that way. The nerve of her, or the weakness in me, I don't know. There was a time when her bad behaviors and my negative feelings were not present but both seem to be back.

I suspect there are things that happen to a person in recovery that I'll never understand and these recent things may be manifestations of things coming to the surface for her. While typing this, it's becoming apparent that I'm currently falling back on very strong codie habits. I trust nobody is counting the times I say her versus I in this thread but I am concerned about my incremental shiftings back to being so suspicious of her.

It has been a long time since I've seen my own therapist to talk through these things. Perhaps it's time for me to do that.

I can't say that I'm asking anyone for an answer. I can't say I'm asking for anyone to challenge my recent trends. I am wondering if other people in the same position have experienced something similar to me. Remember back when you were in the throws of your A's active addictions and how you thought maybe you were crazy? I kinda feel that way.
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Old 06-19-2012, 10:41 AM
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Shellcrusher! Good to hear from you man! Keep you eyes open and listen to your gut. I have been in and out of this site myself over the year, but lately it has been very valuable

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Old 06-19-2012, 10:57 AM
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Hey Shellcrusher. Nice to see you but sorry you felt the need to be back.
I'm with Grizz. Your gut will tell you everything you need to know.
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Old 06-19-2012, 11:13 AM
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I think those feelings of mistrust stay with as codie forever. I have been divorce for over 18 months and separated over two years, and still suffering from the effects of alcoholism.
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Old 06-19-2012, 11:14 AM
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I'm sorry you have to come back man.

For me I'm going through with the divorce and just getting the bits finished on the agreement, after that, she signs, I sign and the courts will process it.

My AW says she hasn't had anything to drink for over a year also but I can't prove it as we have been separated that long. Working through my issues I have come to understand that her drinking or not doesn't really matter any more. I simply don't love her and don't want to be married to her. I have finally learned it's OK for me to put me first.

And yeah I still get some of that crazy running around inside my head even after all this time. Luckily it's not near as loud and I catch myself much quicker and hop off.

PM me if you feel the need to talk off line.

Manly ((((hugs))))

Your friend,
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Old 06-19-2012, 11:49 AM
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I still get some of that crazy running around inside my head even after all this time.
Yup. Two years later, not even being with the A that got me here in the first place, I still agree with that statement. I think realizing that it's you and realizing what you need to do means you're way ahead of where you were already. Chin up, man.
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Old 06-19-2012, 12:52 PM
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Shellcrusher - you've been missed. I think of you every time I drive on the highway with my headlights on...and laugh at how you knew that about our highways and I didn't! Still watching the Alaska Troopers show? I watch on occasion - catching up with old friends, ya know! ; )

I am sorry you are here again, though. I am finally divorcing. I know I couldn't get past a lot of stuff - and honestly I am still very suspicious of the stbx. Nothing much changed during his 18 months of sobriety. He said some good things sometimes, but no action. When I laid it all out very clearly...what I needed...I either got defensiveness, blame, or denial. It finally dawned on me that he simply doesn't have it to give, and if he needs to blame me, fine. But I can no longer continue in a relationship that doesn't meet my needs. At all.

Soooooo...maybe you aren't reverting back to your codie ways, maybe you have a reason to be suspicious and untrusting. If I remember correctly, she did a lot of damage. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I am still apologizing to my girls about the damage done from alcoholism (even though I know its not necessary). It takes time to heal from it all.

Keep coming back!
~T
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Old 06-19-2012, 01:05 PM
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All I know is, Trust Your Instincts.
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Old 06-19-2012, 02:02 PM
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Good to see some old friends and some new faces.

I think what's really bothering me is I may be facing some realities that I haven't wanted to face. M1 mentioned this in his reply and I remember reading here a long time ago that even when the A gets sober and things chill in that department, the person finds out that they still don't like whats left.

The other part that I can't figure out is the instinct/gut perception. I know what you're all saying and at one point I paid close attention that part. These days, knowing what I've gone through, I simply have to wonder if I'm still shell shocked by everything. I still wonder if it's just something that needs more healing and more time.

I also know there are triggers or events that crop up and the only memories I have are negative. We've only been married for 4 years. If I include the pregnancy I've only known her as a sober person for a generous 2 years. It's hard to work through those old triggers when everything is basically normal now.

I have to wonder and perhaps fantasize that what we're going through now follows the old saying that the second year of the marriage is the hardest. I don't want to dilute my reality but I've still been a hopeful person. It's not like I'm giving her a clean plate.

All that said, I guess there's comfort knowing that the crazy still runs wild on occassion and that's okay so long as I see it coming and get off the cycle.

I've been reading a few posts and yet again, I'm amazed at how the paths we all walk are very similar. It doesn't matter when we entered the arena, the stories are the same.
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Old 06-19-2012, 02:12 PM
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I've come to realize that even though we can move fast, we human beings don't like change. It stresses us. So, we take things slowly, and that includes coming to a decision about whether or not we want to stay in a relationship. I for one usually wait and see. Relationships are big investments and no one wants to just throw an investment out in the early stages, even if it is a poor performer. Shell shocked or not, learn to trust yourself. One day at a time.
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Old 06-19-2012, 02:20 PM
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I too am waiting see what happens. Just celebrated (kind of) our 28th year. So I am waiting, but I admit I am becoming much more guarded. The problem with waiting, you start questioning yourself about all the crap that is being said about you. Am I really doing this? Am I really being this much of a jerk? etc. So you walk around on egg shells praying that something wont start the cycle again.
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Old 06-19-2012, 04:47 PM
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Hey Shell

Sobriety is simply not using. Recovery is everything else. If you sense something is wrong than something is wrong. If she isn't who you want to be with than she isn't who you want to be with.

I'm sorry my friend. I'm glad to know you are still around, but sorry for the rest.

I'll close with this-- since my wife became active in recovery she has, in fact, become great to be with. We have our moments, but they are moments like normal people have.

Take care,

Cyranoak



Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
Good to see some old friends and some new faces.

I think what's really bothering me is I may be facing some realities that I haven't wanted to face. M1 mentioned this in his reply and I remember reading here a long time ago that even when the A gets sober and things chill in that department, the person finds out that they still don't like whats left.

The other part that I can't figure out is the instinct/gut perception. I know what you're all saying and at one point I paid close attention that part. These days, knowing what I've gone through, I simply have to wonder if I'm still shell shocked by everything. I still wonder if it's just something that needs more healing and more time.

I also know there are triggers or events that crop up and the only memories I have are negative. We've only been married for 4 years. If I include the pregnancy I've only known her as a sober person for a generous 2 years. It's hard to work through those old triggers when everything is basically normal now.

I have to wonder and perhaps fantasize that what we're going through now follows the old saying that the second year of the marriage is the hardest. I don't want to dilute my reality but I've still been a hopeful person. It's not like I'm giving her a clean plate.

All that said, I guess there's comfort knowing that the crazy still runs wild on occassion and that's okay so long as I see it coming and get off the cycle.

I've been reading a few posts and yet again, I'm amazed at how the paths we all walk are very similar. It doesn't matter when we entered the arena, the stories are the same.
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Old 06-19-2012, 07:52 PM
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Hi shellcrusher

I have experienced something similiar with my ex AH.

She went to rehab for 3 months and sober lets say it was difficult. A master at blame shifting, victimhood and blame.

And something in me said enough. I have been through 4 years of hell and you cant even say sorry, you cant see the pain youve caused. It dawned on me that sober she was broken.. and it was time to look after me.

Its been 6 weeks single and I have met someone again: Me. No more walking on egg shells, no more resentments , no more waiting for the next relapse.

I was told a leopard never changes its spots.. Sober or Drunk she wasnt the person I hoped she would be.

I hope you come to a place where its about you.

Take Care
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