Shellcrusher

It's been a long time since I've posted here. I see a few familiar faces although I'm not up to speed on everyone. As I recall, this place was always a relatively safe place to discuss things and I have a feeling I'll be here a bit more in the future. Don't welcome me back. I don't really want to be here.

I'm not sure where this post will take me.

For those who recall, those who don't and everyone else, it has been over a year since I almost filed papers to divorce my then, active AW. It was very hard times. Currently, my RAW did everything she said she would. She got herself an addiction specialist, went to therapy, etc. The codie in me constantly looked for those old signs. I didn't see any and in time I didn't even think about those dark days. I can't say the core of my RAW changed but from all points, she was not drinking/using anymore. My tension subsidded and everything was going very well.

I can't say things were peachy all the time but I soon realized that our biggest fights were about the dog chewing on my shoes and other insignificant things. That was actually a good feeling.

As time marched on, I realized I was approaching what I consider an anniversary of sorts. I was living through the months where a year ago, my wife was at her lowest points. The bad memories came flooding back. Feelings of mistrust started to rise up. It wasn't as if I regained my trust in her. That part of our marriage is serously broken but I took things 1 day at a time. I still do. That said, I knew I was thinking about it too much and worked hard to keep them at bay. I was still in guitar classes and trying to do other things that I enjoyed and really concentrating on my son.

The ebb and flow of those feelings continued in the back of my head. As what I consider the annual date of when I would have had papers served loomed overhead, my levels of anxiety increased and so did my suspicions. A few times I asked my RAW if she was drinking. She always says no.

My RAW is now beyond 1 year of sobriety. Lately though, things don't always add up. She's been making choices lately that are reminiscent of days gone by. It's not only choices she's making but things she's doing. These choices and behaviors are triggers for me. She was famous for blameshifting, overly defensive and non-communicative. She's been able to once again make me feel like the big bad wolf here and frankly, it pisses me off to feel that way. The nerve of her, or the weakness in me, I don't know. There was a time when her bad behaviors and my negative feelings were not present but both seem to be back.

I suspect there are things that happen to a person in recovery that I'll never understand and these recent things may be manifestations of things coming to the surface for her. While typing this, it's becoming apparent that I'm currently falling back on very strong codie habits. I trust nobody is counting the times I say her versus I in this thread but I am concerned about my incremental shiftings back to being so suspicious of her.

It has been a long time since I've seen my own therapist to talk through these things. Perhaps it's time for me to do that.

I can't say that I'm asking anyone for an answer. I can't say I'm asking for anyone to challenge my recent trends. I am wondering if other people in the same position have experienced something similar to me. Remember back when you were in the throws of your A's active addictions and how you thought maybe you were crazy? I kinda feel that way.