Hi Grizz,
As the chica who was the one saying the horrible, nasty accusations to my BF - horrible, nasty accusations I don't remember - I can only say this: I was absolutely floored when he told me some of what I'd said (and, mostly, he "didn't want to talk about what [I] didn't remember and [he] wanted to forget" so I know I don't even know the half of it). I was in shock; I was sure I didn't mean any of what I'd said. I struggled with guilt and shame and self-loathing for a long time - kept asking myself "am I really that horrible? that ugly inside?"
And maybe because I need to believe it, but I don't think I'm a horrible person. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, exaggerates emotions, and suppresses long-term memory, right when rational thought flies out the window. The ravings and imaginings of a mad-woman.
On the subject of common themes: note I said "exaggerated." Yes, I believe there was a seed of emotional pain to my rantings - that is, my BF was, I realized later, passive-aggressive (he grew up with an abusive father) and sometimes downright condescending. Was getting drunk and ranting and raving appropriate? No. Absolutely not.
And, whether I meant to say it or not; whether it was "true" or not, I was still absolutely responsible for what I said. SadHeart makes a point I agree with: if you know you become verbally abusive when drunk, you need to stop getting drunk!! Moreover, you need to figure out what the h*** you're so angry about (difficult when you don't remember what you said but certainly not impossible) and talk about it constructively. I have a long history of suppressing anger and hurt because I don't want to hurt others but this pattern doesn't help anyone, even without the drunk screaming.
I took responsibility for my drunk mania too late and my BF finally had enough and left. I was devastated. I hope your wife can see what damage she's causing before it's too late. I wish you both the best.