Feeling Defeated - HELP
Hello,
This is my first time ever writing on an online forum about anything! I read them all the time but I figured it was time to get in on the action myself.
I am 24 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for over 3 years. Let me first describe his drinking problem since I feel it isn't exactly a textbook case. In college he drank frequently but by the time I met him it was once every two weeks or so. However, frequently when he did drink, he would black out and usually feel negatively towards me. At first he would make comments that were kind of childish and didn't bother me such as "you're not as cool as you think you are". Nothing too strong but still strange because there was never anything done to provoke it. Then slowly over the course of the next few years he began to curse and use stronger language and became more vicious. In the final incident he pushed me away forcefully and I fell on the floor. That's when the game changed a little.
At last, he realized he had a problem and decided on his own to go to therapy. However, it only lasted for 1.5 months and then he felt he could do it on his own. NONE of his family or friends know - only me. And he leans on me for everything and it results in me carrying the entire burden of helping our relationship through this unstable time. He looks to me for the answers he should find within himself, but of course, like most people - I feel the compulsion to help him and make suggestions. Finally, I forced myself to face the reality that something is very wrong here. We talked things out a few days ago and he said he wasn't mentally ready to deal with everything yet. He has not drank in 10 months and doesn't feel the need to, but he has not built any kind of support network. He hasn't done much research on the problem or checked out these sorts of forums. I don't think he acknowledges how severe his problem is. Maybe a year ago I would have felt it was my job to show him these websites and encourage him to go to AA but I am realizing I can't hold his hand through this anymore.
Also, we decided to take some time apart, although still in contact, so he could learn to stand on his own two feet and the first night that I was out of the picture, he decided to go to a bar with the same friends who he used to black out around (they do not have drinking problems). He had decided for himself not to go to bars/lounges as to avoid the negative associations. Now I am realizing that the fear of losing me probably drove him to decide those things. I am feeling extremely confused - wondering if things will ever work out between us.
I understand that my role is no longer to be his caretaker. I am willing to step back and watch him fail if that is what will happen. I know I cannot allow him to use me as a crutch - it doesn't help either one of us. It hurts like hell, but I can do it. I guess he hasn't hit rock bottom yet - is it worth waiting around to find out what happens? What is my role through this point of his recovery? Is he on his way to relapsing?
I feel so confused. Any advice would help.