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Feeling Defeated - HELP

Old 06-16-2012, 07:26 AM
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Feeling Defeated - HELP

Hello,

This is my first time ever writing on an online forum about anything! I read them all the time but I figured it was time to get in on the action myself.

I am 24 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for over 3 years. Let me first describe his drinking problem since I feel it isn't exactly a textbook case. In college he drank frequently but by the time I met him it was once every two weeks or so. However, frequently when he did drink, he would black out and usually feel negatively towards me. At first he would make comments that were kind of childish and didn't bother me such as "you're not as cool as you think you are". Nothing too strong but still strange because there was never anything done to provoke it. Then slowly over the course of the next few years he began to curse and use stronger language and became more vicious. In the final incident he pushed me away forcefully and I fell on the floor. That's when the game changed a little.

At last, he realized he had a problem and decided on his own to go to therapy. However, it only lasted for 1.5 months and then he felt he could do it on his own. NONE of his family or friends know - only me. And he leans on me for everything and it results in me carrying the entire burden of helping our relationship through this unstable time. He looks to me for the answers he should find within himself, but of course, like most people - I feel the compulsion to help him and make suggestions. Finally, I forced myself to face the reality that something is very wrong here. We talked things out a few days ago and he said he wasn't mentally ready to deal with everything yet. He has not drank in 10 months and doesn't feel the need to, but he has not built any kind of support network. He hasn't done much research on the problem or checked out these sorts of forums. I don't think he acknowledges how severe his problem is. Maybe a year ago I would have felt it was my job to show him these websites and encourage him to go to AA but I am realizing I can't hold his hand through this anymore.

Also, we decided to take some time apart, although still in contact, so he could learn to stand on his own two feet and the first night that I was out of the picture, he decided to go to a bar with the same friends who he used to black out around (they do not have drinking problems). He had decided for himself not to go to bars/lounges as to avoid the negative associations. Now I am realizing that the fear of losing me probably drove him to decide those things. I am feeling extremely confused - wondering if things will ever work out between us.


I understand that my role is no longer to be his caretaker. I am willing to step back and watch him fail if that is what will happen. I know I cannot allow him to use me as a crutch - it doesn't help either one of us. It hurts like hell, but I can do it. I guess he hasn't hit rock bottom yet - is it worth waiting around to find out what happens? What is my role through this point of his recovery? Is he on his way to relapsing?

I feel so confused. Any advice would help.
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Old 06-16-2012, 07:44 AM
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I am not a pro at this or anything, but I do know that for me the cycle of alcoholism sounds similar. Struggle to hide it, then fail and eventually get angry. The anger though directed outward, was only a manifestation of the guilt I felt inside. When I did not try to not drink, I was much less likely to get beligerant with my actions. The harder I tried and failed, the worse I became. I wish I could tell you that it would be alright, but it isnt. The cycle of alcoholism in my opinion is one that becomes increasingly volatile and dangerous.

I am seeking support for myself, for the first time. I dont know what else to do. My wife will probably leave me and take the kids, so I know that if I dont find the help and support I need now, that any hope of recovery will become bleaker than it already is. It sucks that it has gotten to this point, but that cant be changed.

So far I am only really on this forum, but I am learning different methods of programming. I hope it will be helpful, and suggest that you share this place with him.

Best of luck.

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Old 06-16-2012, 07:48 AM
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Of course, it's your choice to wait around but please take care of yourself in the meantime. Find things YOU like to do, go to Al Anon meetings if they appeal to you, spend time with friends, etc. I, too, am wondering when my AH will hit bottom, if ever, but I am living my life and taking care of our son the way I need to no matter what AH chooses to do. We need to let the A's in our lives have the dignity to fall flat on their faces and we give them up to a Higher Power to be cared for.

Oh, and please don't blame yourself for his going back to drinking. His life, his choices. I blamed myself for the longest time as my AH didn't touch alcohol for 15 years and I blamed myself. Well, I finally realized that I didn't pour it and I didn't bend his elbow for him. You sound like you know what to do and just need some encouragement. I hope you have a support network of friends and SR is always here when you need them, too!
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Old 06-16-2012, 08:11 AM
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And he leans on me for everything and it results in me carrying the entire burden of helping our relationship through this unstable time. He looks to me for the answers he should find within himself, but of course, like most people - I feel the compulsion to help him and make suggestions.
He leans on you because you are his codependent. His problem needs your problem to thrive. Learning about codependent behavior can help. You can't do anything for his issues but you CAN work on yours. That can indirectly help him if his problems can't rely on you to feed it.


Maybe a year ago I would have felt it was my job to show him these websites and encourage him to go to AA but I am realizing I can't hold his hand through this anymore.
Good for you! Sounds like you are gaining awareness. What a great first step! You are WAY ahead of the game from where I was when I realized my AW's problems. Take care of yourself, you deserve it!
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Old 06-16-2012, 08:34 AM
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You all are wonderful - thanks for the support. It is becoming more and more urgent that I step away completely and let him make whatever decisions he feels inclined to. I cannot continue to desperately stop him from making decisions - his resentment will grow and I will continue to feel disappointment.

I will definitely read up about being co-dependent. OhBoy - the way you described it was perfect "his problem needs your problem to thrive". Exactly it. You always think you're helping them, when in reality it never took us anywhere but down.

I do need to take care of me - no one else is going to do it! I'm still adjusting to the idea that I can't do anything for him anymore. It would be sad to watch this disease get the best of him, but I know that if that is where his decisions lead him, I can't be there and be brought down with him.

Keep posting everyone - it really helps =)
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Old 06-16-2012, 03:49 PM
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For me even though the drinking was not all the time, I walked around on eggshells because it could happen at ANY time.

It took me a lot time to realize that binge drinking is a problem too.

Take care of you.
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