Battle of my life
I am an addict. I self medicate and know that i need andwant help. I do not like partying or getting high for fun. I have anxiety and deppresion and it effects my life very much. I have a problem with opiates. They make any anxiety or darkness of depression bearable. My dilemma is that I am dating a great guy. We have been together for eight months and have known eachother for 7 years. He knows all about my addiction and is very supportive. He does not do drugs and gave up drinking to help support my recovery. We recently got engaged and are planning our wedding with the date a year and a half away. The problem is every two months or so I get very bad anxiety or my depression starts to come back and i become unmotivated and start to isolate and just feel like im stuck. So what do I do? what any greataddict would.....**** up their life a little more by using again. Now I am worried that this man is going to marry me and I am not going to be able to control my using during hard times. And its not going to just be my hard times now it will be OUR hard times as a married couple. OUR FINANNCES OUR HOME OUR BILLS. I just went out this week and spent almost 600 on pills. I am afraid that I am going to not be able to control myself and not be able to beat this. How can I marry this guy if I am so unstable with my addiction? I applied for school and took my entry exam but i am afraid of that as well......what if i am in school doing great and then the day of finals I am having a craving and try and get pills...or what happens if I cant find pills during a binge and I start blowing off school becasue having the drug is more important at that moment? I know how strong this disease is. my mother is an addict and has not been a good role model for me. I fight this disease but she pretty much just lays down and dies. Doesnt think she can beat it she doesnt think that she is worth a better life. Subconsciously it efffects me becasue i feel that I will end up like her.
My fiance is great, but I think I want to wait to get married until i am really solid in my recovery. I dont have medical insurance and I really want a good therapist to talk to. I started taking suboxyn which is helping me function and stablalizing my moods and cravings but i just want to be me without needing something on a day to day basis. I tried NA for about 4 months but gave up when nobody really reached out to me. I tried hanging out and getting to know the people but they were flaky. I would try to hang out with the people that were clean and working the program. I guess I havent found my niche in life. I started gettting unsettled again this week and thats when i relapsed. I think im scared to get married to this great guy becasue i dont feel i deserve him and feel I will hurt him with my addiction like my mother hurt our family with hers. This is really deep stuff and im sure it goes back to what i went through growing up and thats why i want someone to help me work through my addiction and my issues. please help with any advice. and please be nice. I never had a problem with drugs or alcohol because i saw what my mother went through. I was in a very bad a ccident 4 years ago that required a few surgeries and i was on pain medication for months. I am so angry with DR's that prescribe these horrible addictive pills.