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Battle of my life

Old 06-15-2012, 10:41 PM
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Battle of my life

I am an addict. I self medicate and know that i need andwant help. I do not like partying or getting high for fun. I have anxiety and deppresion and it effects my life very much. I have a problem with opiates. They make any anxiety or darkness of depression bearable. My dilemma is that I am dating a great guy. We have been together for eight months and have known eachother for 7 years. He knows all about my addiction and is very supportive. He does not do drugs and gave up drinking to help support my recovery. We recently got engaged and are planning our wedding with the date a year and a half away. The problem is every two months or so I get very bad anxiety or my depression starts to come back and i become unmotivated and start to isolate and just feel like im stuck. So what do I do? what any greataddict would.....**** up their life a little more by using again. Now I am worried that this man is going to marry me and I am not going to be able to control my using during hard times. And its not going to just be my hard times now it will be OUR hard times as a married couple. OUR FINANNCES OUR HOME OUR BILLS. I just went out this week and spent almost 600 on pills. I am afraid that I am going to not be able to control myself and not be able to beat this. How can I marry this guy if I am so unstable with my addiction? I applied for school and took my entry exam but i am afraid of that as well......what if i am in school doing great and then the day of finals I am having a craving and try and get pills...or what happens if I cant find pills during a binge and I start blowing off school becasue having the drug is more important at that moment? I know how strong this disease is. my mother is an addict and has not been a good role model for me. I fight this disease but she pretty much just lays down and dies. Doesnt think she can beat it she doesnt think that she is worth a better life. Subconsciously it efffects me becasue i feel that I will end up like her.
My fiance is great, but I think I want to wait to get married until i am really solid in my recovery. I dont have medical insurance and I really want a good therapist to talk to. I started taking suboxyn which is helping me function and stablalizing my moods and cravings but i just want to be me without needing something on a day to day basis. I tried NA for about 4 months but gave up when nobody really reached out to me. I tried hanging out and getting to know the people but they were flaky. I would try to hang out with the people that were clean and working the program. I guess I havent found my niche in life. I started gettting unsettled again this week and thats when i relapsed. I think im scared to get married to this great guy becasue i dont feel i deserve him and feel I will hurt him with my addiction like my mother hurt our family with hers. This is really deep stuff and im sure it goes back to what i went through growing up and thats why i want someone to help me work through my addiction and my issues. please help with any advice. and please be nice. I never had a problem with drugs or alcohol because i saw what my mother went through. I was in a very bad a ccident 4 years ago that required a few surgeries and i was on pain medication for months. I am so angry with DR's that prescribe these horrible addictive pills.
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Old 06-15-2012, 10:57 PM
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Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
 
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Welcome to SR BRIDE2BE

What has helped me with active addiction is having some recovery tools to learn and practice daily. Being here at SR is a good recovery tool and you can add to your recovery tool box as you go along.

I suggest just focus on getting well first and as clean time starts to add up you'll be more focused (able) to take on the other issues that are now causing you distress.

If your interested in more recovery tools (see links below) and you can just work things out here with the help of the SR community.
Women for Sobriety, Inc.
SOS Recovery and LifeRing Recovery
SMART Tools and SMART Articles
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Addiction Recovery Tools
DBT Life Skills For Emotional Health Great tools for maintaining sobriety as well.
Free Google book preview The New Cure for Substance Addiction. By Jack Trimpey. (The Advanced Addiction Voice Recognition Technique or the AVRT)
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Old 06-15-2012, 10:57 PM
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Welcome Bride2be! Good on ya for having the courage to post your feelings and your story. I'm on the West coast and going to sleep, but please know that you'll find a tremendous amount of love, wisdom and support here in SR. The first step is acknowledging where you are. You've done that. How beautiful is that! It will take a little patience, but hang around here to see how you might find some help. Love and a huge hug for you!
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Old 06-15-2012, 11:57 PM
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I am just so disheartened with my addiction because I hsvent found anything that works and I kind of feel as if I cant do it. I think I am on my way back into a depression which can get pretty bad. I dont want to go back there. I know what I want in life and addiciton just doesnt fit anywhere in it. I am glad that i am using suboxyn now as i feel I can start my life and not waiting until I recover which I know is a process. Thank you guys for the advice.
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Old 06-16-2012, 12:09 AM
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Powerless over Alcohol
 
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Welcome to a great new way. And please seperate your lines somewhat its hard to read a giant paragraph.
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Old 06-16-2012, 12:15 AM
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Originally Posted by BRIDE2BE View Post
I tried NA for about 4 months but gave up when nobody really reached out to me. I tried hanging out and getting to know the people but they were flaky. I would try to hang out with the people that were clean and working the program.
Hey BRIDE2BE....I'm glad to see you at least got 4 months clean with NA...It's not really a matter of who you hang out with...Or whether they are flaky or not....I use AA and I like to think I'm as crazy as the next SOB. I didn't wait for people to reach out to me...I reached out to them....I needed help and I wasn't afraid to admit that and ask for it. If you want NA to work for you...You only need to hang out with one person...A sponsor that has done the steps...Has some time and is willing to take you through them...That's it....If you make friends along the way like I did...That's great....But the object is to get the drugs out of your life...And that's how you do it...Good luck with whatever you choose. And be grateful you have a fiance that wants to support you.
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Old 06-16-2012, 12:26 AM
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I am just not sure how i feel about the program. I very much like that I can go there and relate with everyone with the commonality of addiciton and learn from so many different people with so many different lives and problems, but somehow i left with a bad taste in my mouth. I did reach out to people but it seemed they werent to intrested. I guess one day I will try again, but for now I am using my friends and fiance as a sounding board. I have been doing pretty good but I am worried that my depression is sneaking back up on me.
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Old 06-16-2012, 12:33 AM
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You have to do what you have to do...I hope you find something that works for you...You might want to consult with your doctor again about that depression. I wish you the best!
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Old 06-16-2012, 12:35 AM
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Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
 
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Originally Posted by BRIDE2BE View Post
but for now I am using my friends and fiance as a sounding board. I have been doing pretty good but I am worried that my depression is sneaking back up on me.
That's a big help to have the support you do have. I'm grateful to have a supportive family. I don't know what I would without them.
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Old 06-16-2012, 01:03 AM
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I do not have insurance so it is very difficult to get help! this insurance **** sucks! seriously to speak to a therapist its 150 for an hour of their time! i am unemployed at the moment and I am just trying to get a routine in my life and heal myself. I want the help and was searching very hard for it, but they make it so hard. A free behavioral health center has a three month wait just to speak with a dr its really ridiculious
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Old 06-16-2012, 01:22 AM
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Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
 
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I'm sorry BRIDE2BE that you have no access to any mental health help.

I don't know if there any Jewish Community Services in your locality. In CA there is one near me that dose offer free or sliding scale counseling for anyone. Also look for any non-profit services as the ones in my area do have free mental health services.

Anyhoo, keep posting and its good to offer encouragement to other SR members that are struggling too. Its good to give as it is to receive.
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