DestinyM

When my RAH was actively drinking I could pretty much look at a calendar and know when he was going to binge until a physical confrontation brought him down. Now he's "sober" I see a pattern here too. He was really good at going to AA meetings regularly I guess up to 6 months and then he tapered off to just the monthly chip meeting at his detox facility. Now we all know after that one year chip the next one isn't until 18 months, so of course he hasn't been near a meeting. Well he's lapsed back into his silent, moody self. I'm figuring he's depressed about something and in reviewing my past posts, around this time last year I was going through the silent treatment then too.

I'm really going through a rough time right now, with work, school, kids, bills, etc and when things are good in our marriage he's my best friend to help me sort through my feelings and make sound decisions but times like this it's like I'm in a lifeboat all by myself. It really has me wondering how long can I do this. I read posts about the alcoholic marriage and even have the CAL literature on it and I just can't see myself spending the rest of my life on this rollercoaster of alcoholism and depression.

I love him God knows I do but times like this makes me want to pack a bag and run away from everything. It feels like I'm the one getting depressed. I realize I'm also not sharing with him and I know it's anger at his selfishness. I've even tried to be empathetic, you know the he's sick thing, he's an alcoholic to soften my heart but that just seems to make me madder. I'm grateful that at least I have some sort of an outlet for all these emotions, if I didn't I don't know where I'd be.

Thanks for letting me share. Need ES&H.