DestinyM

When my RAH was actively drinking I could pretty much look at a calendar and know when he was going to binge until a physical confrontation brought him down. Now he's "sober" I see a pattern here too. He was really good at going to AA meetings regularly I guess up to 6 months and then he tapered off to just the monthly chip meeting at his detox facility. Now we all know after that one year chip the next one isn't until 18 months, so of course he hasn't been near a meeting. Well he's lapsed back into his silent, moody self. I'm figuring he's depressed about something and in reviewing my past posts, around this time last year I was going through the silent treatment then too.

I'm really going through a rough time right now, with work, school, kids, bills, etc and when things are good in our marriage he's my best friend to help me sort through my feelings and make sound decisions but times like this it's like I'm in a lifeboat all by myself. It really has me wondering how long can I do this. I read posts about the alcoholic marriage and even have the CAL literature on it and I just can't see myself spending the rest of my life on this rollercoaster of alcoholism and depression.

I love him God knows I do but times like this makes me want to pack a bag and run away from everything. It feels like I'm the one getting depressed. I realize I'm also not sharing with him and I know it's anger at his selfishness. I've even tried to be empathetic, you know the he's sick thing, he's an alcoholic to soften my heart but that just seems to make me madder. I'm grateful that at least I have some sort of an outlet for all these emotions, if I didn't I don't know where I'd be.

Thanks for letting me share. Need ES&H.

suki44883

Oh sweetie, I know what you mean. I've been through it. But that "he's sick" only goes so far, especially when they back away from the things that will help them get better. It isn't selfish at all for you to feel some resentment. I've been where you are, but I didn't have children with my addict. It was easier for me to decide that if I'm doing it all myself anyway, what do I need his moodiness and depressive self for?

I don't really have any advice, just wanted to let you know that I understand. Only you can decide how long you want to stay on this merry-go-round. Just know that you aren't alone and there are those who understand.

XXXXXXXXXX

That "impending feeling of doom". I know it too well. It makes the time in between so hard to enjoy. I found that the pattern of monthly full moons was a major trigger for exABF. It still is. It was during the last full moon that he sent the texts that I used to get the restraining order. So wierd, but true. Even during the rare times when he was trying not to drink and saying that he wasn't, his behaviors during these days were unbearable.

((hugs)) to you. It's exhausting, but you aren't alone. Please take care of yourself.

lizatola

Hugs to you! I totally understand. I, too, noticed a pattern of when we'd be having issues or when he'd shut down in a depressive state. It was always tied to something at work: end of fiscal year, regional meetings, his boss flying in and driving with him, etc. And, Suki said it well, the "he's sick" stuff only goes so far if they aren't working a program or active in recovery. My AH is not doing anything to get himself better so it's quite frustrating to sit on the sidelines and watch the drama unfold knowing there's really nothing you can do about it.

Are you attending Al Anon? I find that meetings really help me feel positive and I gain insight there that helps me get through another day. So sorry you are struggling today!

PurpleWilder

Ya know, I'm beginning to believe there is something about the month of June that just makes alkies go nuckin futz.

My XAH has been acting like a total a$$, my neighbor's XAH has been acting like one too. Maybe because it is the beginning of summer...?

XXXXXXXXXX

Yes purple squirrel.

PurpleWilder

Ya know what we need? A Friends and Family summer camp!

Meetings in shady glens, talking about the 12 steps, reading Melody Beattie, evenings around a campfire....just take the whole flippin' summer off and let everyone else just stew in their own juices.

Let's do it.

DestinyM

PurpleSquirrel...when and where, I'm so there!!!

lizatola

Love this idea. I'm leaving for 3 weeks but not until July and it can't come fast enough!!!

PurpleWilder

On June 23, the National Wildlife Federation is sponsoring the Great American Backyard Campout - so I think that should be the night we camp out as well! I'm not suggesting that we register or anything (it essentially a fundraiser) but that night seems perfect!!

On that night, maybe we could all converge on the chat room and talk about our favorite recovery quotes, or camping stories, etc.

What do ya think?

sweetteewalls

I'm all in for recovery camp! Wooohoo! Would give me something to look forward to!