I surrendered, guys. Fully surrendered and decided to stop fighting. Fighting was taking SO much out of me. I wanted my booze .... REALLY bad. But my booze was making my life a living hell. It took a series of horrible events to bring me to my knees and ask God (or whatever your higher power might be) to deliver me from the insanity. I could either choose a sober, happier life or I could continue the downward spiral into God-knows-what. And the "what" scared the living cr*p out of me.
My relapses were always preceded by the idea that "Well, I've got some sober time under my belt, so I'm probably not that bad. A drink or two will feel good right now, and then I can get back on the horse." Yeah. Right. In the three years that I tried/failed to get sober, the one common denominator was my lack of a program/support. And even when I got into AA, I still slacked. I figured going to meetings was enough ... NO. Real recovery requires real work. I didn't want it bad enough for a long time. I was too lazy to do the work - it was easier to drink.
So what do I do? I go to meetings every day. I meet with my sponsor once a week (and she's a tough a**, lemme tell ya!) and am faithful to do the homework she gives me. I'm working the steps. I do Steps 1, 2 and 3 EVERY day. And every day, I make a gratitude list of 3 things, as well as a "success" list of 3 things. I pray. I get up every morning grateful for a new day and ask God (or whatever your higher power is) to guide my day and remove MY will from the picture. I help other alcoholics. I do things that are good for my mind and body, like exercise, read, rest when needed, listen to music, do crafts, take classes, volunteer my time. I make efforts to get out of "self" and do things that can benefit others.
Is it easy? NO. I live with an active alcoholic so the temptation to join him is ever-present.
I guess the one thing that has made the total difference is that I have stopped fighting. I mean, I had all the wonderful influences in my life, good people, meetings, wisdom from other alkies here on SR ... all of that was useless until I just gave up the fight, decided I was powerless over alcohol, and put my efforts into something better. It doesn't happen by osmosis or wishful thinking or remorse from a bad hangover ... it takes action. It takes wanting to NOT drink more than you want TO drink. I guess each of us gets there in our own time, in our own way. The fact that all of us are HERE, on SR, shows that we ALL want to change. We all want a better life. That's pretty cool.
Keep reaching out. Learn from other alkies. Have an open mind and an open heart. Find what matters to you in this world and ask yourself if you can still have it if you're drinking. Know that you have worth ... SO much worth. You are worth saving. You have potential. You are not a worthless, weak, disgusting person ... you just have an addiction. That doesn't make you any less special. If anything, you can use it to make you stronger. Believe that. I do.
