Peter G, I totally relate to what you're saying. I remember certain days finding myself drinking in the chair outside and somewhere in my head thinking I don't even want this, but I'd drink it all. This bizarre thing would happen where I would just buy alcohol. But it was like my mind was just taking over. That combined with hiding alcohol (which I had never done before the last couple months) and taking out a whole recycling bin that had nothing in it but bottles really scared me, but not enough to stop.
I think relapsing is a choice but I guess for me I feel like it's really about which voice wins out. I have had days in my life where it felt like I couldn't even hear my own thoughts over the AV which is so frustrating. Now my own voice speaks louder and I can't honestly account for why, but I'm so glad that it does.