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Relapse question

Old 06-07-2012, 08:23 PM
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Relapse question

There are so many posts about relapsing and I have questions. This is my first attempt really at sobriety and I am 36 days sober. There have been times I'd like to drink, or try and find pills, but I don't.

I guess what I'm wondering, or trying to ask/say, is that isn't relapsing a choice? I know in the past I'd say "no more pills" and be calling the doctor's office 5 hours later. I had to pick up the phone, dial the number, get in my car, pick up the rx, etc. There are so many "acts" involved in using.

Why are people surprised when they relapse...wasn't it a conscious thought?

There is no judgement here at all...I just want to understand. Because I don't want to relapse. In the past after I would say no more, I'd say "f^%$ it, I'm drinking" and I don't want to do that again.
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Old 06-07-2012, 08:29 PM
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Quite often my mind tells me I am not an alcoholic and I don't need meetings and that it's fine if I drink...is this all it takes?

I'm not making sense. I'm just babbling. Sorry.
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Old 06-07-2012, 08:32 PM
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I can only speak for me, but I also have an eating disorder and I binge eat. As a child I could only by sugar and food. I ate to numb the pain. Even today I use food to numb the pain so I don't have to deal with emotional pain.

I can be really determined not to binge eat, but I do it. It is like I can't control myself. I have been learning to try and find out the feeling I am feeling that I haven't yet dealt with so I can deal with it. I am hoping that ptsd therapy will help me in dealing with not only my eating disorder but all the emotional baggage I suffer because of the many years of abuse.

Maybe it is the same with others who have other additions to cover up their emotional pain.

Love and Blessings
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Old 06-07-2012, 08:33 PM
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I believe they are premeditated...It's action taken on thoughts long before the drink/drug enters your system. It's stopping it somewhere before that happens that prevents relapse....Before you call the doctor...Before you pick up the phone...Before you get in the car...Before you pick up the rx....You have all these opportunities to stop it before you relapse....That's why it's good to learn from any relapse you may have.
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Old 06-07-2012, 08:39 PM
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I remember being surprised often by 'auto pilot' responses, 'coming to' with a drink in my hand.

I remember lots of other times too when I genuinely felt the only solution to my problems to drink.

I remember lots more items when I would have given anything not to feel a certain way, so I drank...

I know now that when I picked up a drink again after promising I never would, I feel was making a choice, it was a bad one, and I had the power not to make that decision...but that's hindsight.

I don't think any of us should forget the way it used to be.

D
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Old 06-07-2012, 08:42 PM
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I totally understand the food thing. I have had eating disorders and I now sometimes binge eat and feel powerless over it. I am going to use aa and the 12 steps with my eating as well.
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Old 06-07-2012, 08:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Sapling View Post
I believe they are premeditated...It's action taken on thoughts long before the drink/drug enters your system. It's stopping it somewhere before that happens that prevents relapse....Before you call the doctor...Before you pick up the phone...Before you get in the car...Before you pick up the rx....You have all these opportunities to stop it before you relapse....That's why it's good to learn from any relapse you may have.
I agree. Examining our thoughts that lead up to any action, whether it be drinking or speeding in a car, can further help us understand the motivation for doing so. I have caught myself in the past few weeks on thought trails that are heading in the wrong direction...it has amazed me how easily I can derail these trains of thought, but I have to identify them first. It's all about metacognition, thinking about thinking (before acting).
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Old 06-07-2012, 08:46 PM
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I often have thought trails that try to lead me in the wrong direction. I stop them. But they can be tiring and I can see how they could wear one down after time, thank god for aa and sr!
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Old 06-07-2012, 08:52 PM
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I have bulemia Chrisy. I struggle with it often. When i go into my cycle it's like i'm on autopilot. It was the same with my drinking. I think it would be the same with an alcohol relapse. It's like watching a movie of yourself. You know what's going to happen and all you do is watch. Without the skills we've learned in sobriety we're powerless to hit the pause button and stop the movie and step away. I've learned to do that with my drinking but i'm still addressing it with my ED. I had to come to sobriety in my own time so i suppose i'll have to deal with my ED when i'm ready.

Ugh, sorry. Got a little off topic. I don't talk about it often. It's embarassing.
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Old 06-07-2012, 08:56 PM
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You have to be vigilant aeo....A guy in AA...28 years...told me that you go out of AA just like you came in....You start with meetings...Using a sponsor....Working the steps....Doing service work.......Then you start slacking on the service work....Slacking on the maintenence steps...Less prayer and meditation....Then you stop talking to your sponsor or other alcoholics...Pretty soon you've cut down to barely a meeting a week...And you're gone. I always think about that...It keeps me on my toes.
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Old 06-07-2012, 08:56 PM
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I was anorexic and bulimic for years. Tends to go hand in hand with other addictions. When I was deep in my eating disorder it was worse than any point of drinking I think
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Old 06-07-2012, 08:57 PM
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welp, my sponsor told me that a good sign of a relapse starting is questioning what a relapse is. one of the definitions of relapse is to slide back into a former state,so a relapse ends with a drink.
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Old 06-07-2012, 09:02 PM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
welp, my sponsor told me that a good sign of a relapse starting is questioning what a relapse is. one of the definitions of relapse is to slide back into a former state,so a relapse ends with a drink.
Yikes. But yes, it's been a tough week of my mind telling me I don't have a problem. I am in contact w my sponsor and going to mtgs though
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Old 06-07-2012, 09:09 PM
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I find my mind slipping from time to time and i start bargaining with my sobriety. Well, i can drink once a month. When that happens, i get to SR ASAP and read relapse threads. I haven't read many if any threads that go "oh boy! I had a relapse and it was GREAT!" After a few sobering threads of how awful relapses are i feel more grounded and i feel rather silly for trying to bargain with booze.
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Old 06-07-2012, 09:11 PM
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Originally Posted by aeo1313 View Post
There are so many posts about relapsing and I have questions. This is my first attempt really at sobriety and I am 36 days sober. There have been times I'd like to drink, or try and find pills, but I don't.

I guess what I'm wondering, or trying to ask/say, is that isn't relapsing a choice? I know in the past I'd say "no more pills" and be calling the doctor's office 5 hours later. I had to pick up the phone, dial the number, get in my car, pick up the rx, etc. There are so many "acts" involved in using.

Why are people surprised when they relapse...wasn't it a conscious thought?

There is no judgement here at all...I just want to understand. Because I don't want to relapse. In the past after I would say no more, I'd say "f^%$ it, I'm drinking" and I don't want to do that again.
Relapsing was my choice, until it wasn't. It came to a point for me, towards the end of my drinking life, when I would be on some sort of creepy autopilot, and honestly have very little conscious thought on the act of going to the store and coming back with a box full of vodka bottles. Seriously, I am not exaggerating that in the least. My brain would become zombified, almost wholly shut down. Exactly like Displaced Grits described it really; like watching a movie and knowing what's going on but being absolutely powerless to hit the stop button. Felt like I was being directed, cued, and positioned.

Yes, before the progression of alcoholism became really perilous for me I had made plenty of half-hearted attempts to quit. They were always not serious enough, and when I decided to throw in the towel I knew full well what I was doing when I decided to drink. But make no mistake about it, in my experience after a certain point came and went, it really and truly was a case of me coming to on my living room floor, looking up at an empty 26 oz bottle of Grey Goose or Jack Daniels, wondering how in blue hell I ended up there.

A few times I would sit back and think that this must be how an alien abductee feels lol. In all seriousness though, my later relapses became truly disturbing for just these reasons. I woke up once in an ER with tubes coming out of me and my wife and uncle both bedside and both crying, and the only thing I remember from that entire experience was heading to the store for cigarettes before a Stanley Cup Finals game came on.

I can sort of remember there were a few times when I'd recall this weird internal dialogue...

... "I guess you're getting drunk then?",

..."yep".

But it never felt like me. It did feel exactly as if a few blokes had taken control of my head and were debating my destruction as if they were arguing what channel to watch on TV.

Getting the booze, that was often the truly creepy part. During the last year of my drinking career I'd rarely have a conscious recall of getting it, and if I did, it was as described... a movie scene I was not participating in but watching play out before me.

I don't know how that helps but take it for what it's worth, because it's 100% how my dis-ease progressed.
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Old 06-07-2012, 09:14 PM
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Originally Posted by aeo1313 View Post
Yikes. But yes, it's been a tough week of my mind telling me I don't have a problem. I am in contact w my sponsor and going to mtgs though
you keep that up and dont drink and you will get better. we cant control the thoughts that come in our mellons,but we can say," nope, that thought aint right. i am an alcoholic."
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Old 06-07-2012, 09:22 PM
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Alcoholics of my type seem to be beyond human aid. We have completely lost the power of choice (the ability to choose not to drink) as regards alcohol. There are times where we have no effective mental defence against the first drink. They call it that strange mental twist where the sane thought of consequences is replaced by the insane thought that it is ok to drink, it will be different this time. I was never more insane than in that moment just before the fatal first drink. Will power was useless. I think this is part of what Peter G was talking about above. I so relate to that total powerlessness.

The purpose of the book is to help us find a power greater than ourselves which will solve our problem "sanity has returned" , and it suggests we take certain steps to achieve this.

My experience is that we seem to be given a window of opportunity, perhaps through God's grace, where we are open to recovery. No one knows how long their window will be open for, but it seems, if we are making an honest effort, God will keep the window open long enough for us to reach step nine, and begin developing our spiritual life. But it also seems that if we squander the opportunity, the window will close and a drink will magically appear in our hand. From what I have seen, those who make it to step nine seem to find themselves on much safer ground, just as the book promises. These folk can choose to drink if they wish, but are not compelled to, as the obsession is now gone.
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Old 06-08-2012, 01:15 AM
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It seems that most people coming back on after a relapse are content just to call it that. I think if is unexamined what the steps to the relapse is we are at risk of doing it again.
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Old 06-08-2012, 01:33 AM
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I look at relapse this way, having done it twice now. It is my choice. My disease influences me into making this choice. I can do some work to have power over the influence. Or I can be complacent and become powerless over the influence and end up under the influence. My choice.
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Old 06-08-2012, 03:57 AM
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Peter G, I totally relate to what you're saying. I remember certain days finding myself drinking in the chair outside and somewhere in my head thinking I don't even want this, but I'd drink it all. This bizarre thing would happen where I would just buy alcohol. But it was like my mind was just taking over. That combined with hiding alcohol (which I had never done before the last couple months) and taking out a whole recycling bin that had nothing in it but bottles really scared me, but not enough to stop.
I think relapsing is a choice but I guess for me I feel like it's really about which voice wins out. I have had days in my life where it felt like I couldn't even hear my own thoughts over the AV which is so frustrating. Now my own voice speaks louder and I can't honestly account for why, but I'm so glad that it does.
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