People tell me that I am too independent and that I act really strong when I'm in situations that would make most people break down, that I go cold or shut off when something too intense is happening to me, and that I care too much about other people.
Wow, I do this exact same thing. Say one of my children gets hurt, they are crying, screaming and a lot of blood. I am the picture of a calm serene still pond on the outside, only later when I am alone, that is when I shiver and cry for how much it must have hurt them, and how much it scared me.
As far as a definition of a codependent, well it is a bunch of behaviors that add up to codependency, number one being: hooking up with or staying with people who are sick, but will not do anything about it themselves. I am a recovering alcoholic, but when I was drinking, I married an alcoholic so he would "need" me.
Maybe a pathological need to be needed. Maybe pathological is too strong of a word.
You have been surrounded by addicted and desperately ill people. Your response is to help them, it is a human response to help people, but carried to codependency, you forget about yourself and tend to the sick. You are giving all your love to people who are not capable of feeling or returning that love to you. You become attached to how they feel and it effects how you feel. I am so very sorry for your losses to this disease, it does kill.
You could get a book titled "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
There are also meetings called AlAnon, which will help you see how all that help could be effecting your life negatively, and how to become the healthiest you.
Please hang around Sober Recovery and read, read, and read some more.
You will get educated on what your are facing. I am relieved you did not marry an alcoholic. Now, you can get on with your own life. It is your life.
Welcome to Sober Recovery!
:ghug3
Beth