definition of codependency?

Old 06-07-2012, 07:40 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Quebec
Posts: 38
definition of codependency?

Hi, I'm new to this and am having trouble with what the definition of codependency entails (I'm seeing a lot of this word in the forum). A bit about me I guess: my mother has an undiagnosed personality disorder (totally manic moods, erratic anger, paranoia, lack of empathy, excessive blame). I'm an only child and spent most of my childhood and adolescence trying to appease her and trying to make the home life feel sane. My father is an alcoholic and they are no longer together. I've lost a family member and a close friend to alcoholism and suicide, have at least 3 alcoholic friends and nearly married an alcoholic recently (see post yesterday). People tell me that I am too independent and that I act really strong when I'm in situations that would make most people break down, that I go cold or shut off when something too intense is happening to me, and that I care too much about other people. I guess I assumed that codependency had something to do with self-esteem issues. I don't feel like I have those but rather have often felt like I have a huge supply of energy or love which I have given out maybe too freely to others who seem like they need it. I'm starting to realize that maybe that isn't a positive trait? Do all of these things make it seem like I am a codependent? Does anyone have a good resource for codependency if so?
battlescars is offline  
Old 06-07-2012, 07:55 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
crazybabie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Hope this helps.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html
crazybabie is offline  
Old 06-07-2012, 07:57 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
wicked's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
People tell me that I am too independent and that I act really strong when I'm in situations that would make most people break down, that I go cold or shut off when something too intense is happening to me, and that I care too much about other people.
Wow, I do this exact same thing. Say one of my children gets hurt, they are crying, screaming and a lot of blood. I am the picture of a calm serene still pond on the outside, only later when I am alone, that is when I shiver and cry for how much it must have hurt them, and how much it scared me.

As far as a definition of a codependent, well it is a bunch of behaviors that add up to codependency, number one being: hooking up with or staying with people who are sick, but will not do anything about it themselves. I am a recovering alcoholic, but when I was drinking, I married an alcoholic so he would "need" me.
Maybe a pathological need to be needed. Maybe pathological is too strong of a word.

You have been surrounded by addicted and desperately ill people. Your response is to help them, it is a human response to help people, but carried to codependency, you forget about yourself and tend to the sick. You are giving all your love to people who are not capable of feeling or returning that love to you. You become attached to how they feel and it effects how you feel. I am so very sorry for your losses to this disease, it does kill.

You could get a book titled "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
There are also meetings called AlAnon, which will help you see how all that help could be effecting your life negatively, and how to become the healthiest you.
Please hang around Sober Recovery and read, read, and read some more.
You will get educated on what your are facing. I am relieved you did not marry an alcoholic. Now, you can get on with your own life. It is your life.

Welcome to Sober Recovery!
:ghug3

Beth
wicked is offline  
Old 06-07-2012, 08:27 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Quebec
Posts: 38
Thanks for the advice. It's strange; I guess I used to think that all of these things had happened by chance (it's not as though I met all of the unstable people or alcoholics I've been in relation to at bars or anything: lots of different circumstances). I guess the concept of codependency means that maybe the pattern is more fundamental than that. I also used to think that it was just that I'm attracted to "intense" people who sometimes happen to be unstable. I am really tired of focusing on other people and trying to figure out how to help them. Guess it's time to help myself for awhile. Thanks for the resources! I'll check out that book!
battlescars is offline  
Old 06-08-2012, 05:46 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: SW PA
Posts: 52
Patterns and Characterisitcs of Codependence from CoDependents Anonymous
grayduchess is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:21 AM.