Sanity, I loved your post!
I have a 5 acre property and I do all the mowing, weed whacking and maintenance myself now. Actually, I did a lot of it before my AH left a year ago because he was usually too "relaxed" (aka buzzed) to get anything done, but AH was the "go to" guy when something was broken or I couldn't get it running. There were things I just never learned to do. Now I'm learning to do them.
Just this past weekend, I needed to weed whack and the whacker was out of fuel. It takes the kind of fuel that's gas mixed with a special oil. I went to the shed and the gas from last year that AH had mixed up for me was gone. I sat there in tears with a gas can in one hand and the whacker oil in the other, feeling so much grief about losing my husband, anger over his alcoholism, sadness about the huge changes in my life. It was like the empty fuel jug symbolized the last few drops of kindness and support from my AH.
And then I got the fuel and oil mixed up, got the whacker started, reloaded the string, and felt this huge rush of....I don't know....independence?
We are so enmeshed with our spouses. It takes time to disentangle. Sometimes it's broken air conditioners, weeds, and the regular stuff of life that makes the pain fresh again.
Hang in there. I can so relate to what you expressed. You are not alone.