Fixers unite (the only way to keep it together)

Old 06-06-2012, 05:24 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Sanity2012's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 82
Fixers unite (the only way to keep it together)

When you are married to an alcoholic, most of us are fixers either by birth or have learned the skill very quickly. Make it calm, fix the situation so they don't drink, go to Al-Anon, read every book you can find on alcoholism. (Even point out your own faults so the AH feels comfortable sharing his own. Ok, I didn't say I always fix it well...)

I deal with problems both big and small at work every day. If I am lucky, I succeed. If I am not, I have learned to have plan B, C or D. Honestly challenges are ok if you have the tools to deal with them.

AH left 4 weeks ago. I have since learned how to mow the yard. Even in 90 degree heat and I missed some parts, it has not become a corn field. I even manuvered the weed wacker. But if that damn thing runs out of "wacker", I have no clue what to do then.

The AC went out this past weekend. I spent 1/2 day trying to figure out if it was a setting on the thermostat or it was not working at all. The later was the case. Called a company that works 24/7. The technician showed up at midnight to fix it. Asked me when the filter was changed last. When I said I didn't know he said...really? (I thought I was doing well to know there was something in the attic that remembled an ac unit.)
I did know where the outdoor unit is. Long story short....he realized this was all new to me and taught me so many things about what to do. (So, really, you are to hose down the outside unit every time you cut the grass??) and he did not turn into a mass murderer when he figured out I was by myself...at midnight....while he went inside and out of my house.

Had a blow out on the expressway in downtown rush hour traffic. No place to pull over which would not matter because I can tell you where my spare is but not how to change it.

Are you getting the picture here? My rational brain knows all these situations are coincidence. My emotional "God I didn't ask to marry an alcoholic, why is everything happening to me" brain is scared ********.

AH in the meantime acts like I am the next door neighbor when I see or speak with him. Small talk of no consequence. Maybe in my emotional brain I was hoping he would break down, realize he needs help, beg for us to get back together. (happy ever endings don't happen that often in this situation I am learning).

I thought the hard part was living with the AH. I am learning it is equally hard learning how to live without him. And just when I think...wow, you are doing well, I read a post from someone here and I relive it all again.

Grief is not limited to someone dying physically. Maybe in this warped mind of mine that could even make more sense. It is also when someone you love is gone, and no amount of fixing can help make it not so.

Thanks for listening!
Sanity2012 is offline  
Old 06-06-2012, 05:35 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Katiekate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
((((((((Sanity)))))))

You made me cry, you are so awesome.

I feel like I just sat down on the couch and listened to someone I have know for a long time.

Thanks so much, your words hit home.

love to you Katie
Katiekate is offline  
Old 06-06-2012, 06:33 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
just wanted to chime in too, with hugs.

I have been so protected all along this past year without him. Friends and others have appeared and helped....

it does help me to think of all those instances of support from the Universe. No matter how small, if I can think of it and go, "gee, thanks Universe, that was just the help I needed...", it does give me a good feeling...
Argnotthisagain is offline  
Old 06-06-2012, 06:35 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hey Sanity,

Boy, do I hear you loud and clear. What I did, when I realized that I couldn't fix him, I started to fix all of the things that were on his list to fix, that he never got around to. Did you know that you can get the manual online for almost any appliance or thing that needs to be fixed. There are also a lot of forums that you can go to and get help from them.

I had to learn how to operate a walk behind lawn mower that was so big and heavy that it was pulling me around. I am all of 5'3'' and weigh 120 lbs. I also went online to figure out how to fix an auger on a snow blower.

Since I left him and now have my own house, I bought a weed wacker, and I know how to use it, also bought a tiller, a chainsaw, pressure washer. I was living with friends for awhile, and I painted their entire house, inside and out, yes, I did paint the outside of a house. It was only a ranch. Also painted their concrete floor down the basement and put the flakes on it, and then used epoxy to seal it.

So I guess the moral of the story is, you can't fix him, I spent 25 years trying to do that, I spent the next 3 years learning how to do the things that I stupidly depended on him to do.

And you know whats so rewarding about that. These things we can do, and we can fix them, we can't fix a person.

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))


PS - I still love my ex, but I lost him a long time ago. The old him (the person I fell in love with) is never coming back. It took me a long time to get over that, and maybe I am still not over that, but I had to move on with my life. ((((((((more hugs)))))))))
amy55 is offline  
Old 06-06-2012, 06:48 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
SoloMio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Sanity,

It really does seem that these "coincidences" come at the weirdest moments, but this is a great piece by Catherine Ponder. I've shared it with other people who feel that life just seems to hit them with Murphy's Law at the worst times--those times are usually places of spiritual growth:

This is a bit old-fashioned sounding (I'm not crazy about the term "chemicalization")--but I love the principle.

Chemicalization - A Cleansing, Healing Process

Recently a civil service employee in a distant city said, "I have your book, The Dynamic Laws of Prosperity, and it is the best book on the subject I have ever read. For a time, I worked with the laws you described and they brought dynamic good into my life. But suddenly, I am frightened and discouraged. The last few weeks, everything seems to have gone in reverse. What has happened?"
That lady was relieved to learn that another dynamic law was working for her-the law of chemicalization.

You've heard it said that things have to get worse sometimes before they can get better; that the getting worse process is actually a part of the improvement process; that what seems failure is actually success being born in the situation. That's chemicalization!

Chemicalization sounds like a negative process, but actually it is a very positive one, a natural, normal one. Though it is an uncomfortable experience, it is worth going through, because it is always a sign that cleansing is taking place. Something higher and better always results from this experience.

When these periods come, remind yourself, "This is nothing to fear. This is not evil. There Is only good at work In this experience. Healing Is now taking place In my world. I rest, relax and let It." As you nonresistantly meet chemicalization in this way, very soon brighter conditions will appear.
(ital. mine)
Emmet Fox has described the healing process of chemicalization:

It seems as though everything begins to go wrong at once. This may be disconcerting, but it is really a good sign. Suppose your whole world seems to rock on its foundation. Hold on steadily, and let it rock, and when the rocking is over, the picture will have reassembled itself into something much nearer to your heart's desire.

Chemicalization means that things are coming out In a better state of affairs than ever before. Regardless of what seems to be happening, It never means anything else. When a physical or mental disturbance arises after your deliberate use of right thinking, it is always a sign that your right thinking is at work clearing out the negative, so that the positive power of good can gain complete dominion of your world.

...You are having a mental, emotional, and perhaps even a physical "spring cleaning." How free, unburdened, and ready for better health and greater health and greater good you will be as this cleansing perfects you and your world.
SoloMio is offline  
Old 06-06-2012, 08:35 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Sanity, I loved your post!

I have a 5 acre property and I do all the mowing, weed whacking and maintenance myself now. Actually, I did a lot of it before my AH left a year ago because he was usually too "relaxed" (aka buzzed) to get anything done, but AH was the "go to" guy when something was broken or I couldn't get it running. There were things I just never learned to do. Now I'm learning to do them.

Just this past weekend, I needed to weed whack and the whacker was out of fuel. It takes the kind of fuel that's gas mixed with a special oil. I went to the shed and the gas from last year that AH had mixed up for me was gone. I sat there in tears with a gas can in one hand and the whacker oil in the other, feeling so much grief about losing my husband, anger over his alcoholism, sadness about the huge changes in my life. It was like the empty fuel jug symbolized the last few drops of kindness and support from my AH.

And then I got the fuel and oil mixed up, got the whacker started, reloaded the string, and felt this huge rush of....I don't know....independence?

We are so enmeshed with our spouses. It takes time to disentangle. Sometimes it's broken air conditioners, weeds, and the regular stuff of life that makes the pain fresh again.

Hang in there. I can so relate to what you expressed. You are not alone.
SoaringSpirits is offline  
Old 06-06-2012, 08:51 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
GettingBy's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Hugs to you sanity... Adjusting to life without them is hard, and very grief filled. The key to moving forward... Much like crossing monkey bars... Is letting go, reaching forward and having faith that there is something better waiting for you to grab hold of.

As for the "neighborly" treatment... It SUCKS!!! I have come to understand that is their coping mechanism. My XAH basically ignores me or treats me like some stranger... And it has nothing to do with me. That how he chooses to keep the pain at bay - by pretending I don't exist. It's really quite sad for him. He and his family have chosen to cut (literally!!) me out of every family picture (yet still leave them up!)... Bizarre and unhealthy, but it's because they are hurting and don't know how to grieve like emotionally healthy adults.

You are doing fabulous... Way to put those fixing skills to good use... On you
GettingBy is offline  
Old 06-07-2012, 06:24 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Sanity2012's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 82
Thank you all for the kind words of encouragement. I have learned how to operate the sprinkler system (you are right there is a manual on line for everything), trimmed the hedges (imagining someone's neck in the clippers is a great energy boost). When AH took off his wedding band, I ripped down 2 layers of wallpaper/fabric covering. I guess even if I don't always know I am doing - doing something is better than nothing right?
Sanity2012 is offline  
Old 06-07-2012, 06:28 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by Sanity2012 View Post
Thank you all for the kind words of encouragement. I have learned how to operate the sprinkler system (you are right there is a manual on line for everything), trimmed the hedges (imagining someone's neck in the clippers is a great energy boost). When AH took off his wedding band, I ripped down 2 layers of wallpaper/fabric covering. I guess even if I don't always know I am doing - doing something is better than nothing right?


"Way too go !!!!!!!", Congrats:ghug3
amy55 is offline  
Old 06-07-2012, 06:43 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
lizatola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by Sanity2012 View Post
Thank you all for the kind words of encouragement. I have learned how to operate the sprinkler system (you are right there is a manual on line for everything), trimmed the hedges (imagining someone's neck in the clippers is a great energy boost). When AH took off his wedding band, I ripped down 2 layers of wallpaper/fabric covering. I guess even if I don't always know I am doing - doing something is better than nothing right?
Oh, that's a good one! My AH has never been a super handy guy but he's stronger than me and can do certain things that I don't have the strength to do. But, I am the yard person in our house including working the sprinkler system, taking care of the plants and the yard, and taking care of the pool.

Honestly, I've always been inclined to fix stuff myself mainly because my AH's ADHD would kick in and he'd start a project and then never finish it.
Last year(at our old house) he started painting the fake brick trim around the pool, it had red brick and gray grout lines. He did about 1/4 of it and then quit. I waited MONTHS for him to go out and finish. It drove me crazy! So, I finally went out and finished it myself.

Now, he started a new painting job at this house a few weeks ago. Our back patio is a painted surface that looks like flagstone but the paint is fading and it needs to be redone. So, he buys one color of paint, paints 4 of the 'stones', paints X's on the stones that will need this color, and then stops. So, I now have X's painted on my back patio and now it looks worse than before and he hasn't gone back to this project in the past 3 weeks. And, this time I refuse to take over the project, we just have too much decking and I didn't think it looked THAT bad before. Crazy.
lizatola is offline  
Old 06-07-2012, 09:43 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Google is an amazing resource - and often it bounces you to YouTube videos of folks demonstrating just about anything!

I just learned to use a circular saw, which was pretty darn intimidating at first! I also just bought a tile saw, and am scouting garage sales for a jigsaw. I also saw Home Depot offers classes on a bunch of stuff too.

It is very liberating to do it ourselves when push comes to shove, but I also don't hesitate to ask when I need help. I have a great neighbor couple who have been good with stepping in when needed. Sometimes, there are things just too big for one person - and a woman no less.

I would say you are being challenged by the universe, and I hope you are feeling much more confident in your ability to take care of yourself and your home. I am pretty darn proud of myself, and you should be too!

Stay strong!
~T
Tuffgirl is offline  
Old 06-07-2012, 01:36 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Sanity2012's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 82
Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Now, he started a new painting job at this house a few weeks ago. Our back patio is a painted surface that looks like flagstone but the paint is fading and it needs to be redone. So, he buys one color of paint, paints 4 of the 'stones', paints X's on the stones that will need this color, and then stops. So, I now have X's painted on my back patio and now it looks worse than before and he hasn't gone back to this project in the past 3 weeks. And, this time I refuse to take over the project, we just have too much decking and I didn't think it looked THAT bad before. Crazy.

If you went back and painted O's on the other stones you could have your own game of tic-tac-toe. (kidding)

Question - do most alcoholics have ADHD? Because my AH is the same way.
Sanity2012 is offline  
Old 06-07-2012, 01:49 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Question - do most alcoholics have ADHD? Because my AH is the same way.



I don't know about that, even though my ex saw a psychologist and he thought my ex was ADHD. My ex just couldn't listen to anything or anyone that did not agree with him, he would roll his eyes, and say I am getting bored by this conversation.

Projects, he might start them, or I might start them, expecting help, well he was nowhere to be found.

I think they are so preoccupied about their next drink, their next whatever, that they just forget about everything else.

And I do like the tic-tac-toe game

That would be amusing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (lol)
amy55 is offline  
Old 06-07-2012, 02:34 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
choublak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Oh, that's a good one! My AH has never been a super handy guy but he's stronger than me and can do certain things that I don't have the strength to do. But, I am the yard person in our house including working the sprinkler system, taking care of the plants and the yard, and taking care of the pool.

Honestly, I've always been inclined to fix stuff myself mainly because my AH's ADHD would kick in and he'd start a project and then never finish it.
Last year(at our old house) he started painting the fake brick trim around the pool, it had red brick and gray grout lines. He did about 1/4 of it and then quit. I waited MONTHS for him to go out and finish. It drove me crazy! So, I finally went out and finished it myself.

Now, he started a new painting job at this house a few weeks ago. Our back patio is a painted surface that looks like flagstone but the paint is fading and it needs to be redone. So, he buys one color of paint, paints 4 of the 'stones', paints X's on the stones that will need this color, and then stops. So, I now have X's painted on my back patio and now it looks worse than before and he hasn't gone back to this project in the past 3 weeks. And, this time I refuse to take over the project, we just have too much decking and I didn't think it looked THAT bad before. Crazy.
I just wanted to say, I actually have ADHD, and I can relate to starting a bunch of "projects" and never finishing them. I have to work at it in order to be able to pace myself (one thing at a time) and make sure I follow through on things. LOL definitely not a fixer. Just thought I'd offer another perspective.
choublak is offline  
Old 06-07-2012, 02:38 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by Sanity2012 View Post
Question - do most alcoholics have ADHD? Because my AH is the same way.
A couple of weeks ago in counseling, my counselor leaned over and said to me: "I think your husband has ADD."

I went and read up on adult ADD and it was like reading a description of my AH. He has a serious attention deficit and it has impacted every aspect of his life. Our life. The booze has made it much worse.
SoaringSpirits is offline  
Old 06-07-2012, 03:05 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
choublak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Sanity2012 View Post
Question - do most alcoholics have ADHD? Because my AH is the same way.
I think there is a tendency for people with ADHD, especially those who aren't formally diagnosed, to turn to alcohol/drugs to either self-medicate or deal with the hardships that come with living with undiagnosed ADHD. We (I'm speaking on behalf of everyone with ADHD) are way too often misread, misunderstood, and dismissed as something we are not, which leads to self-loathing...see where I'm going with this?

Even those who are diagnosed, treated, and medicated, still have to work on completing tasks and a whole laundry list of other "stuff" which varies according to the individual. I don't consider it "recovery" from ADHD, because there are plenty of positive traits that come from ADHD that just have to learn to be managed.

In short, any given active alcoholic out there who finds recovery, and is later found to have ADHD, is more common than not, IMHO.
choublak is offline  
Old 06-07-2012, 03:18 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
choublak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits View Post
A couple of weeks ago in counseling, my counselor leaned over and said to me: "I think your husband has ADD."

I went and read up on adult ADD and it was like reading a description of my AH. He has a serious attention deficit and it has impacted every aspect of his life. Our life. The booze has made it much worse.
Heh, I wasn't diagnosed until I was about 20. My mom teaches special ed (ironic, I know) and when I was in sixth grade she told me, "you have a lot of traits that match the ones on the checklists that are used for the kids I teach."

She was frustrated with me. But I was even more frustrated with myself at the time.
choublak is offline  
Old 06-07-2012, 03:28 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
I love this post
I'm another one to add to the list of 'learning how to live without a man'
Windmills is offline  
Old 06-07-2012, 03:37 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
choublak,

I do understand that ADHD is an actual medical diagnosis. I also do understand that their is medication for this, not to say that it always works 100 %, but it is there and it is available.

There is also therapy.

In my situation my ex was extremely abusive. The psychologist did not want to say this at the time, when we had first met him together. He did diagnose ADHD, until I also accompanied my ex to the next appt. While we were together at the appt with the psychologist, he turned to me and told me, right in front of my ex, that he has the emotional mentality of a 5 - 7 year old, he had anger problems, and even if my ex continued to work with him, that he might be able to increase that to a 12 yr old !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and would I be able to live with that?????????

That was the second therapist/psychologist of my ex's that told me that if I wanted to continue to see him throughout my divorce process that they would be there for me.

Alcoholics are alcoholics for many reasons. Most of the time I believe that alcoholism is the symptom of something greater. But if a person does not deal with the alcoholism first, then the main reason will never be discovered.

The only person that needs to fix this, is the person with the problem, not the people that they are hurting.

I may get a warning, but that's ok, because your post came across to me as we should be sympathetic to the devil, because there might be an underlying reason why, and maybe that should excuse everything.

The 3 C's

If a person has a problem, then they should fix themself.
amy55 is offline  
Old 06-07-2012, 03:48 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Sorry bout last post, I didn't count to 1000, before I posted.

I am sympathetic to people who actually do have medical diagnosis, but only as long as they are doing what they can to help themselves.
amy55 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:09 PM.