Originally Posted by
EnglishGarden 
Yes, it hurts so much when we are blindsided by the addict's ice cold behavior toward us. People who have never been in relationship with an addict do not understand our deep level of pain because it is more than just a break-up. It is a psychological tsunami for us.
The addict has two personalities.
One of those personalities we fell in love with, and made love to, and had children with, and opened our soft selves to with all our heart. We were innocent and loving, our souls vulnerable and trusting.
And just as happens in horror movies, one day the man turned around and he was someone completely transformed. It was the same face and the same body. But he was the second personality: the addict. And the addict is cold to the bone. He is cruel. And abandoning. Devastating to experience. His rejections are calculated to hurt us at such a deep level---a level ordinary break-ups do not evoke because normal men do not have a wish to destroy a woman. We are gutted by a personality we can hardly comprehend.
It sends our minds into chaos and we can hardly function. I have known so many women who cried for so many weeks and months, who lost weight because they did not eat and could not eat, they were so sick with shock. And, sadly, asked themselves over and over, "What did I do wrong?"
My God.
Please take care of yourself. You have eaten the poison apple. You are now trying to detox to survive. The tears, the sorrow, all trying to release the poison.
You will be free again one day. Be kind to yourself until that happens. We believe in you. And he, believe me, is not worthy of you.
Yes, thank you from me too, EnglishGarden. Thank you
so much for helping me understand why it hurts so bad. You put it so well.
I opened myself up (learned a lesson about not giving my heart so quickly now), gave my heart and soul, as I've done many times before to very screwed up people (childhood abuse issues. desperation for belonging and affection.) and then, when his sickness and problems and my "refusal to accept him for who he is" (i.e. my continuing complaints about the drinking) got too big, he bailed.
For myself, I see finally how people who are attractive and start relationships by love-bombing their target have always been my downfall.
While he was still here, I was getting more and more miserable and finally, I was strong enough to see how sick his misery and abuse were making me, and that he was doing nothing to address his issues. I
wish I could jump up and down with joy and pride in myself for being so strong as to do what I needed to do to bring things to an end, but DAMMIT, all I can do is cry. He was so much of what I wanted, had so many qualities that I absolutely loved, that were exactly what I had been praying for. (ha, I guess I should have known to include "emotionally, physically and mentally healthy" in my prayers)
Unfortuanatly, when I love, I just give over my whole heart and soul-----wonder if that's a typical codie trait?
So I did what I needed to do to help wind things down so that we could split...and when he did leave, the shock of abandonment nearly put me in the hospital. I knew it was coming, but when it became reality, that was a whole different story.
My last contact was an email I sent on May 25. I called him out for lying. He had mentioned, offhandedly in another email, that he had a new little friend, but it was nothing serious.
I don't know if he's still in contact (or more!) with the "new little friend". I found out that she is some very messed up girl 30 years younger than him, and I confronted him in that last email. I had found some other email to her that is full of swooning and smitten seduction....and offers for her to leave her abusive family and come live with him,.... and ......yadda yadda yadda. Ugh. So, I confronted him with the evidence, and said that I could see he was lying, RIGHT TO MY FACE.
I have never been too good at latching on to healthy anger; I wish I could, because it would help me!!!!! I always writhe around in sorrow and self-pity. Yes, I know I do it, but I haven't yet found a way to change that. There is something very familiar and soothing about wailing and grieving.
anyway, I doubt I will hear back from him...but I keep checking and wishing. I just don't want to be abandoned. You see, we have no kids, but losing him was also losing a lovely family. I loved his parents especially; I also liked his sister and one of his brothers. I have
no family so it was hard losing them too......
(I know many people here have kids with the A, and I can't imagine what added world of suffering that is. I am so sorry, it must be awful. Anyway, I just want to say that even though some of us have no kids, it still hurts when we find we have come in second place to a case of beer.)
Actually, I've been down this road before....my picker is really warped, I guess, but I...I just loved him so and gave my heart totally. The good side of him just won me completely...as you say, it is SO hard to say goodbye to that person.
I guess it will just take as long as it takes....and I'll cry as long as I have to. I guess that's the piece of wisdom in all this...... As long as I ALSO continue to do the best I can to keep moving forward, it will be ok. Sure, maybe I'm not moving forward at lightning speed, and sure, most of my friends don't understand it, but at least I'm managing to show up for work, do things with friends, etc. etc. I do see I need to find more interests and expand my life more. Not easy, I've shut down and hidden since I was a kid. Having some "Great Love" was ALWAYS my only known method to feel good.
Sigh....sorry to ramble on so long, and I hope I didn't hijack the thread too badly.....