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i am in so much pain...

Old 06-05-2012, 01:33 AM
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i am in so much pain...

My separated AH was with the girl he was with during his addiction. I was laying here at home taking care of our 4 year old daughter, our bills, our home....and he is relapsing and being with that interloper. All this time he would act like I am crazy. He would tell me its all in my imagination. I knew he was pulling away and obviously because he was running toward this young girl who lives at home with her parents. I lost it. How is I worked so hard and went through this intensive outpatient program and we spent so much time and energy and this is how I end up? I have no family. My friends were over him long ago...I sit here in the dark, alone. I am trying so hard but the pain is so overwhelming. He is such a liar, canniving, selfish...I know its not right to hate but I hate him. He is not a man at all for walking out on our family...I don't deserve this. I know I will get through this but the pain is just too much.
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Old 06-05-2012, 04:17 AM
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One of the hardest things that recovery from grief has taught me is this.....all of my emotions are there for a reason, and I just make them worse when I judge them. That does not mean I get to act on all of them, but for me anger and disgust (at times hate) helped me to get things done that were best for me instead of as previously making my emotions all about someone else.

Alcoholism stinks. Affairs do to. I don't know if they are related or not, except that they both made me feel similar....crazy and off balance.

Be gentle with yourself right now, this is hard stuff you are working on.
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Old 06-05-2012, 05:44 AM
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((STW))

No Dear, You don't deserve that type of relationship ~ no one does ~

You deserve to be treated with love, respect, dignity, . . .to have trust, honor and a mutually beneficial, healthy relationship ~

You deserve this & your daughter deserves this ~

It does take time to heal from the hurt - seeking help to heal thru posting here, maybe attending some recovery meetings, reading recovery literature, working on you ~ making you the best you can be is the best thing you can do to help you & your daughter have a wonderful life ~ regardless of what your ex may choose to do with his life ~

Keep taking good care of you ~ after all YOU deserve it!

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 06-05-2012, 06:34 AM
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I am so sorry. I know it's terrible right now, but you've got to pull yourself up and realize that you are the lucky one. You have your head on straight, you are acting like a responsible adult, your moral compass is pointing in the right direction. And, you have your dear child. You don't deserve this treatment, no-- no one does. But there it is. I know it hurts. But try not to focus on it. The two of them are horrible idiots, it's true. Let them be in their fool's paradise. You've got the good stuff, and what they have is like a house made of a deck of cards.

I am reading a book right now and last night I read a line in it about: Don't allow yourself to fall apart if you can help it, because then it becomes a habit. This really struck me!

I think the most important thing you can do right now is get reconnecting with any and all support systems. You need to talk, you need to be heard. Do you have a therapist? Can you call your old friends and let them know you really need them right now? Once you get past this crisis time, then it's time to meet new friends and support so that you have a full life and plenty of support.

You're not alone, ever. We are here. There are so many, many people in your same situation. Even if you are physically alone at times, remember that you are not alone in the universe.
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Old 06-05-2012, 07:12 AM
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I know when you are with the kid or kids and A is off doing whatever they do, that it is especially hard. I would feel so trapped, and I would have these delusions of his granduer. Like he was out having a blast. That is simply not true. He is wrestling with demons, which does not require your pity, but, please try to put into perspective the fact that he is pursuing or toying with a girl who lives with her mom.

This alone indicates his poor judgement, his immaturity.
He is going to a person/circumstance that allows/condones his behavior, maybe enables or provides his alcohol. This is the crack house type of thing for alcoholics. They go where they can get fed their drug unobstructed and unquestioned. It is sad, really.

But it is not yours. You are able to be happy, you are not addicted and immature and pathetic. You are parenting, which is the most important thing we can do.

I am sorry for your pain and I understand it well.
I know it sounds silly, but when I was in pain like that, it would always feel like I didn't want to snap out of it. Music could shift my mood, but I wouldnt listen to it. A friend or family phone call could help...(if I discipplined myself out of obssessing and ranting about him him him.) It can help to ask how others are doing.

What do you love?

If you feel like you have been isolated from the things you love, and feel like there is no where for you to "go" with your own pursuits, I find writing is incredibly helpful.
Just let it flow out. any thought, any idea, any feeling. Then you can delte it, or keep it for posterity. Its also helpful to post here.

I hope the clouds lift soon. And they always do.
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Old 06-05-2012, 01:50 PM
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Yes, it hurts so much when we are blindsided by the addict's ice cold behavior toward us. People who have never been in relationship with an addict do not understand our deep level of pain because it is more than just a break-up. It is a psychological tsunami for us.

The addict has two personalities.

One of those personalities we fell in love with, and made love to, and had children with, and opened our soft selves to with all our heart. We were innocent and loving, our souls vulnerable and trusting.

And just as happens in horror movies, one day the man turned around and he was someone completely transformed. It was the same face and the same body. But he was the second personality: the addict. And the addict is cold to the bone. He is cruel. And abandoning. Devastating to experience. His rejections are calculated to hurt us at such a deep level---a level ordinary break-ups do not evoke because normal men do not have a wish to destroy a woman. We are gutted by a personality we can hardly comprehend.

It sends our minds into chaos and we can hardly function. I have known so many women who cried for so many weeks and months, who lost weight because they did not eat and could not eat, they were so sick with shock. And, sadly, asked themselves over and over, "What did I do wrong?"

My God.

Please take care of yourself. You have eaten the poison apple. You are now trying to detox to survive. The tears, the sorrow, all trying to release the poison.

You will be free again one day. Be kind to yourself until that happens. We believe in you. And he, believe me, is not worthy of you.
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Old 06-05-2012, 02:17 PM
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
Yes, it hurts so much when we are blindsided by the addict's ice cold behavior toward us. People who have never been in relationship with an addict do not understand our deep level of pain because it is more than just a break-up. It is a psychological tsunami for us.

The addict has two personalities.

One of those personalities we fell in love with, and made love to, and had children with, and opened our soft selves to with all our heart. We were innocent and loving, our souls vulnerable and trusting.

And just as happens in horror movies, one day the man turned around and he was someone completely transformed. It was the same face and the same body. But he was the second personality: the addict. And the addict is cold to the bone. He is cruel. And abandoning. Devastating to experience. His rejections are calculated to hurt us at such a deep level---a level ordinary break-ups do not evoke because normal men do not have a wish to destroy a woman. We are gutted by a personality we can hardly comprehend.

It sends our minds into chaos and we can hardly function. I have known so many women who cried for so many weeks and months, who lost weight because they did not eat and could not eat, they were so sick with shock. And, sadly, asked themselves over and over, "What did I do wrong?"

My God.

Please take care of yourself. You have eaten the poison apple. You are now trying to detox to survive. The tears, the sorrow, all trying to release the poison.

You will be free again one day. Be kind to yourself until that happens. We believe in you. And he, believe me, is not worthy of you.
Damn this is well said! And exactly what a lot of folks here need to hear for themselves. Thank you so much for sharing this - I needed it today!
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Old 06-05-2012, 03:03 PM
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I read someplace that Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde was about an alcoholic. Wow, I think I know that person!
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Old 06-05-2012, 06:58 PM
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you're right, you do NOT deserve this. You deserve to be happy. I'm so sorry you're hurting. As you put more distance between you two, it will get better. He's making his choices and he will have to live with the consequences of those choices. And his choice of a young woman who is still living at home with her parents speaks volumes for his own maturity level.

Stay strong. Hugs!
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Old 06-05-2012, 07:43 PM
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
Yes, it hurts so much when we are blindsided by the addict's ice cold behavior toward us. People who have never been in relationship with an addict do not understand our deep level of pain because it is more than just a break-up. It is a psychological tsunami for us.

The addict has two personalities.

One of those personalities we fell in love with, and made love to, and had children with, and opened our soft selves to with all our heart. We were innocent and loving, our souls vulnerable and trusting.

And just as happens in horror movies, one day the man turned around and he was someone completely transformed. It was the same face and the same body. But he was the second personality: the addict. And the addict is cold to the bone. He is cruel. And abandoning. Devastating to experience. His rejections are calculated to hurt us at such a deep level---a level ordinary break-ups do not evoke because normal men do not have a wish to destroy a woman. We are gutted by a personality we can hardly comprehend.

It sends our minds into chaos and we can hardly function. I have known so many women who cried for so many weeks and months, who lost weight because they did not eat and could not eat, they were so sick with shock. And, sadly, asked themselves over and over, "What did I do wrong?"

My God.

Please take care of yourself. You have eaten the poison apple. You are now trying to detox to survive. The tears, the sorrow, all trying to release the poison.

You will be free again one day. Be kind to yourself until that happens. We believe in you. And he, believe me, is not worthy of you.
Well said EnglishGarden! This post alone should be a sticky!
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Old 06-06-2012, 01:17 AM
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Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
My friends were over him long ago...
please note, you are not him. You have friends who want to support you. Try reaching out to them. And, keep reading and posting here!

((hugs))
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Old 06-06-2012, 07:25 PM
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
Yes, it hurts so much when we are blindsided by the addict's ice cold behavior toward us. People who have never been in relationship with an addict do not understand our deep level of pain because it is more than just a break-up. It is a psychological tsunami for us.

The addict has two personalities.

One of those personalities we fell in love with, and made love to, and had children with, and opened our soft selves to with all our heart. We were innocent and loving, our souls vulnerable and trusting.

And just as happens in horror movies, one day the man turned around and he was someone completely transformed. It was the same face and the same body. But he was the second personality: the addict. And the addict is cold to the bone. He is cruel. And abandoning. Devastating to experience. His rejections are calculated to hurt us at such a deep level---a level ordinary break-ups do not evoke because normal men do not have a wish to destroy a woman. We are gutted by a personality we can hardly comprehend.

It sends our minds into chaos and we can hardly function. I have known so many women who cried for so many weeks and months, who lost weight because they did not eat and could not eat, they were so sick with shock. And, sadly, asked themselves over and over, "What did I do wrong?"

My God.

Please take care of yourself. You have eaten the poison apple. You are now trying to detox to survive. The tears, the sorrow, all trying to release the poison.

You will be free again one day. Be kind to yourself until that happens. We believe in you. And he, believe me, is not worthy of you.
Yes, thank you from me too, EnglishGarden. Thank you so much for helping me understand why it hurts so bad. You put it so well.

I opened myself up (learned a lesson about not giving my heart so quickly now), gave my heart and soul, as I've done many times before to very screwed up people (childhood abuse issues. desperation for belonging and affection.) and then, when his sickness and problems and my "refusal to accept him for who he is" (i.e. my continuing complaints about the drinking) got too big, he bailed.

For myself, I see finally how people who are attractive and start relationships by love-bombing their target have always been my downfall.

While he was still here, I was getting more and more miserable and finally, I was strong enough to see how sick his misery and abuse were making me, and that he was doing nothing to address his issues. I wish I could jump up and down with joy and pride in myself for being so strong as to do what I needed to do to bring things to an end, but DAMMIT, all I can do is cry. He was so much of what I wanted, had so many qualities that I absolutely loved, that were exactly what I had been praying for. (ha, I guess I should have known to include "emotionally, physically and mentally healthy" in my prayers)

Unfortuanatly, when I love, I just give over my whole heart and soul-----wonder if that's a typical codie trait?

So I did what I needed to do to help wind things down so that we could split...and when he did leave, the shock of abandonment nearly put me in the hospital. I knew it was coming, but when it became reality, that was a whole different story.

My last contact was an email I sent on May 25. I called him out for lying. He had mentioned, offhandedly in another email, that he had a new little friend, but it was nothing serious.

I don't know if he's still in contact (or more!) with the "new little friend". I found out that she is some very messed up girl 30 years younger than him, and I confronted him in that last email. I had found some other email to her that is full of swooning and smitten seduction....and offers for her to leave her abusive family and come live with him,.... and ......yadda yadda yadda. Ugh. So, I confronted him with the evidence, and said that I could see he was lying, RIGHT TO MY FACE.

I have never been too good at latching on to healthy anger; I wish I could, because it would help me!!!!! I always writhe around in sorrow and self-pity. Yes, I know I do it, but I haven't yet found a way to change that. There is something very familiar and soothing about wailing and grieving.

anyway, I doubt I will hear back from him...but I keep checking and wishing. I just don't want to be abandoned. You see, we have no kids, but losing him was also losing a lovely family. I loved his parents especially; I also liked his sister and one of his brothers. I have no family so it was hard losing them too......

(I know many people here have kids with the A, and I can't imagine what added world of suffering that is. I am so sorry, it must be awful. Anyway, I just want to say that even though some of us have no kids, it still hurts when we find we have come in second place to a case of beer.)

Actually, I've been down this road before....my picker is really warped, I guess, but I...I just loved him so and gave my heart totally. The good side of him just won me completely...as you say, it is SO hard to say goodbye to that person.


I guess it will just take as long as it takes....and I'll cry as long as I have to. I guess that's the piece of wisdom in all this...... As long as I ALSO continue to do the best I can to keep moving forward, it will be ok. Sure, maybe I'm not moving forward at lightning speed, and sure, most of my friends don't understand it, but at least I'm managing to show up for work, do things with friends, etc. etc. I do see I need to find more interests and expand my life more. Not easy, I've shut down and hidden since I was a kid. Having some "Great Love" was ALWAYS my only known method to feel good.

Sigh....sorry to ramble on so long, and I hope I didn't hijack the thread too badly.....
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Old 06-07-2012, 05:53 PM
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Is there even a reason to think an addict can ever successfully recover?
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Old 06-07-2012, 06:02 PM
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((sweet)) - sure, an A can recover. They have to want it more than anything else. My XABF#3 chose to keep using...died from an addiction we shared. Me? 5+ years in recovery. Prior to him, I'd thought "it will get better" with another XABF for 20 years. He's still out there, too.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 06-07-2012, 06:17 PM
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Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
Is there even a reason to think an addict can ever successfully recover?
Absolutely! I have met many wonderful recovering addicts in my journey - they are truly amazing people who turned their lives completely around. Go to some open AA meetings - you can see for yourself there.

But...that doesn't mean yours can. Or will.
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Old 06-11-2012, 09:28 PM
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Why is it that it is days later and I still feel the same? I made my therapy appt., went to Alanon meeting, took care of house, kids, but still at night I am so damn pathetic. I read, journal, excercise but all the while thinking about what my separated AH is doing, who he is with, why he fell off the wagon, and especially why me and my kids were not enough for him. I hate facing that this is the reality of my life. I hurt so much and even though I stop crying, the inside I still feel sadness. I keep going to work, going through the motions, thinking eventually it won't hurt as much and it still feels as much as it did the first night he fell off and realized he was with her again...I don't believe he will ever know or comprehend the damage he has caused. How can someone cause all this damage like a tornado with no regard to me or our children? I feel even worse that this is the man I chose? A man who would abandon me, our children...He was good to me. He once was. Need to grieve.
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Old 06-11-2012, 09:51 PM
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Its brain chemicals and hormones. They will lessen and it will get better if you stop feeding the thoughts. Your mind is the battlefield.... cast down the thoughts of him. Do it 1000 times if you need to. It will take less conscious effort to NOT think about it. Force the thoughts from your mind and concentrate on something else.
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Old 06-11-2012, 11:12 PM
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Sweet, what's really helped me this past week is focusing on the things that the kids and I weren't able to do when he was here. We went out for pizza to a place we couldn't go to before because he didn't like it. Enjoying the quiet we never had before. It helps, especially when I realized how draining it is to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. When all else fails, I keep telling myself that if he is the type of person that will abandon his family, then he doesn't deserve us anyway.
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Old 06-12-2012, 06:16 AM
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sweetteewalls

Time takes time...one therapy appointment and one al-anon meeting aren't going to cure you of the grief you are feeling.

When my exH moved out and started divorce proceedings, I could barely move, it hurt sooo badly. It was the worst emotional pain I'd been through--bar none. I, too, went to therapy, I journaled, I walked and walked outside every evening. At first, I too, did not think this overwhelming pain would ever go away. It seemed too big. Like it extended for miles and miles around me coloring everything and everyone I encountered.

But I kept walking, kept journaling, kept going to therapy....and eventually, the pain started to lift. I found I could actually start enjoying the things I used to enjoy and laugh with my friends! It took a few months to get to that point, but it happened!!

We all grieve at our own pace. Keep doing what you are doing, sweetteewalls, and the cloud will pass for you, too!!
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Old 06-17-2012, 12:13 AM
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I am ok and have held it together for the most part. Just annoyed and feeling angry knowing my 4 year old is going with separated AH for Fathers Day.
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