When you are married to an alcoholic, most of us are fixers either by birth or have learned the skill very quickly. Make it calm, fix the situation so they don't drink, go to Al-Anon, read every book you can find on alcoholism. (Even point out your own faults so the AH feels comfortable sharing his own. Ok, I didn't say I always fix it well...)
I deal with problems both big and small at work every day. If I am lucky, I succeed. If I am not, I have learned to have plan B, C or D. Honestly challenges are ok if you have the tools to deal with them.
AH left 4 weeks ago. I have since learned how to mow the yard. Even in 90 degree heat and I missed some parts, it has not become a corn field. I even manuvered the weed wacker. But if that damn thing runs out of "wacker", I have no clue what to do then.
The AC went out this past weekend. I spent 1/2 day trying to figure out if it was a setting on the thermostat or it was not working at all. The later was the case. Called a company that works 24/7. The technician showed up at midnight to fix it. Asked me when the filter was changed last. When I said I didn't know he said...really? (I thought I was doing well to know there was something in the attic that remembled an ac unit.)
I did know where the outdoor unit is. Long story short....he realized this was all new to me and taught me so many things about what to do. (So, really, you are to hose down the outside unit every time you cut the grass??) and he did not turn into a mass murderer when he figured out I was by myself...at midnight....while he went inside and out of my house.
Had a blow out on the expressway in downtown rush hour traffic. No place to pull over which would not matter because I can tell you where my spare is but not how to change it.
Are you getting the picture here? My rational brain knows all these situations are coincidence. My emotional "God I didn't ask to marry an alcoholic, why is everything happening to me" brain is scared ********.
AH in the meantime acts like I am the next door neighbor when I see or speak with him. Small talk of no consequence. Maybe in my emotional brain I was hoping he would break down, realize he needs help, beg for us to get back together. (happy ever endings don't happen that often in this situation I am learning).
I thought the hard part was living with the AH. I am learning it is equally hard learning how to live without him. And just when I think...wow, you are doing well, I read a post from someone here and I relive it all again.
Grief is not limited to someone dying physically. Maybe in this warped mind of mine that could even make more sense. It is also when someone you love is gone, and no amount of fixing can help make it not so.
Thanks for listening!