I can understand this completely! My AH is exactly the same. He tried counselling to get to the bottom of his issues but says it didn't work. What he didn't realise is that all the hardwork happens outside the therapy room. It dredged so much of his ****** past that he couldn't deal with it and drank even more to mask his pain. A that time I was still so sure I could fix him, I loved him and couldn't bear to see him in such a a state. It took 10 years for me to see the light. Through all this time we we're caught in a cycle just like you are now. The final straw for me came when my father died.. It has given me the strength to leave weirdly. It feels like if I can face losing my dear dad I can face anything. I was so unhappy in this destructive circle, I just realised I deserved more and that life is far too short to be wasted feeling resentful and bitter about something you CANNOT control.
I am moving out at the end of June. It will be hard financially and emotionally I know, but my overwhelming emotion is relief. I am finally standing up and it feels right. My AH needs help, as does your husband. My AH has drunk heavily for over twenty years (he says he didn't drink as much before he met me..!), that habit cannot be stopped just like that. I have stopped fooling myself. I really feel that you have the strength to stand up too.
Good luck, this forum has provided clarity for me in my darkest moments, use it!!! 😘