Hey Todd,
I like drinking too but when my doctor told me my liver was in bad shape I thought “Crap, this is serious – you have to quit. Now!” That was two years ago and still I continued. My life insurance policy came up for renewal and I had to submit to bloodwork to renew it. Guess what? “DENIED” because of my liver enzyme count. I’m just quit again – I’m only on Day 2. I was sober for over a week and then went on vacation and used that as an excuse to drink. “I’ll get back on track when we get home from holidays”.
I understand a lot of what you’re saying. I can’t remember how many times I’ve woken up in the morning regretting the night before or worse, not even remembering the night before. My husband, who’s also an alcoholic, would have to remind me. I’d have bruises on me and couldn’t remember why. It’s because I convinced myself at 45 years of age and 40 pounds overweight that I could do a handstand like I could when I was 18. Wrong. One night I was so drunk and got undressed for bed in the dark I fell backwards full force into the corner of the wall. I made it to bed but when I woke up in the AM I could hardly breathe and didn’t know why. When I finally remembered what happened I went to the doctor to find out I had cracked a rib. Of course I lied and said I got tangled up taking my pants off for bed – no mention of the alcohol. I thought to myself what if I’d cracked my head on the corner? I could have bled out on the floor cause I would have been unconscious and my husband wouldn’t hear my in his drunken sleep. Still that wasn’t enough to convice me I needed to stop.
I’ve woken up to dents in the bedroom wall where I flung the remote control in anger over something my husband said in his drunken stupor. He’s one of these lucky people that can drink and no have a hangover in the morning – no matter how much he drinks. He just gets the “slows”. He says he’ll quit to support me but I know deep down he doesn’t want to quit.
So, we have something in common. So let’s speak freely. You need to get serious help and not just with “hope” and “motivation” from these forums. They’re a great support tool but you need to decide what action plan you’re going to take. AA meetings, meds from your doctor that’ll help you quit, something. You obviously realize what alcohol is doing to you and your relationships so you need to really sit down and look at yourself in the mirror. Really look. Then take a sheet of paper and write down the pros and cons of alcohol and how you feel after you drink. You’ll realize the pros are so much stronger – yes, it’ll be hard but you have to take it one step at a time. Not day by day – literally minute by minute at first. The days will be long and the nights longer because sleep will not come easily. I used to say “I sleep better when I have a few”, then someone on one of these forums said “you didn’t go to sleep – you passed out”. Wow. I never saw it that way.
There are lots of people here that understand your situation and will offer great encouragement and support, including myself, but only you can take action. You’re worth it. Your family and friends are worth it. Quitting IS NOT going to kill you. Hang in there!