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Old 06-04-2012, 02:32 PM
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Ready to try

Good day everyone, I apologize in advance for this long post but, frankly, I have no one to talk to in my life, I have no one who would even remotely understand what I need to say. I wont lie to you, I am having a drink as I write this.

I can admit I am an alcoholic. I joined this site way back in late 2010 for the wrong reasons; I wanted to appease my spouse and tell her I was seeking help. I was seeking help for sure, the help to stay with my family. That method failed. I then sought solace in exercise. And alcohol. Lots of both. I lost some weight, was keeping it off while I was drinking. Seemed like a good idea to me! But then I found I was developing really odd habits - I couldnt go for a drive without a beer between my legs. I was planning my day around drinking, ie. ok, if I get home at 4pm, I can then hit the liquor store, be smashed by 6, go to bed, take 10 Advils, be good for the 9am meeting. But I wasnt good for the meeting. I would find myself throwing up a LOT in the morning (I'm a male and I even tried the morning sickness excuse. Didnt work!) I found myself one Sunday passed out naked in the hallway betwen the kitchen and the bedroom...I rolled over and tried to get up and kept slipping in the vomit I had laid out all over the floor (I live alone by the way). Somehow I made it to the bedroom only to see my 50 inch TV smashed on the ground. Even THIS event did not phase me at all.

I found myself lying...lying to everyone. Lies, lies lies...about my work, people I met, you name it, I lied about it. To my girlfriend. And I shouldnt have had to lie! There was nothing to lie about! I would make up stupid stories to attract people to me so I would seem interesting, not just a sad loner who has a serious alcohol problem. Baffle 'em with words! My sons mother, we reconciled back and forth, back and forth but the same underlying problem ALWAYS came up. I would drink on the drive to her house, she would smell it then she would get angry. We would break up. A year would go by and we'd try again, I'd say I was sober and she'd find bottles hidden in my snow boots in the front closet. BANG! Thats over again. I tried to be sober around her on occasion, maybe one day of a weekend then at night when we were intimate, I couldnt figure out what I was doing. Literally I was trying to be a good lover and I was questioning myself, insecure, confused..this was so much easier when I was blasted. So my sober times didnt last at all. This most recent time, 3 months ago, we really connected again. We had both matured and grown up a little (I dont really think I did...) but when she came over I would hid the booze. I would say I am going downstairs to do laundry and smuggle a couple of cans of beer with me. Its hard work being an alcoholic when you are on your own, harder when you are trying VERY hard to hide it. She ended it, again, because I was drinking bourbon one night and got into a very bad email message thread with her wherein I said some horrible things. I didnt remember it the next day. She's gone again. This time for good I imagine. All because I was drinking.

Nothing good in my life has come from alcohol, in fact it has ruined so many things and opportunities for me I couldnt even begin to tell you. Yet I still come home, I still drink and my problems disappear for the evening. Then tomorrow the problems return, this time with far more urgency then they ever had. So I drink again.

Drinking is killing me. Physically, mentally, spiritually and every relationship I have had has been systematically destroyed by me because I wanted to be with alcohol more than I wanted to be with them. And that saddens me immensely.

Truth is, I am SCARED to death to quit. I like drinking although its KILLING me. I will miss the buzz, the warmth. I will be bored to death and wont know what to do with my time. I have never been so scared of something in my life. How will I ever sleep again? I am very very confused. What is clear to me is that if I dont quit soon, I will NEVR have a normal personal relationship, I will never achieve my goals and I will die sooner than I would like. Even with all that motivation, 3 great reasons to quit today and for good, I cant do it.

I really hope that this time, as I am serious about this, I can find some hope and motivation in these forums.

Thank you very much for reading this long post.


Todd
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Old 06-04-2012, 03:23 PM
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PS -- Much of your sory resonares deeply, and i want to assure you can do it, Friend.

That said, you're gonna need more than the "hope" you're serious. So let's go all in, ok?
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Old 06-04-2012, 03:42 PM
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Welcome Todd. I can relate, too. It's so frightening when we first think of letting go, even though we know it's slowly killing us. We've used it for so long, for so many reasons. To feel social, to kill pain, to relax & have fun. Yet in the end, there's no fun left in it - there's no relaxing - abusing alcohol creates terrible anxiety & self-doubt. All the reasons we enjoyed it are gone, and they're not coming back.

I drank my whole life, but I now have over 4 yrs. sober. I promise you, there is life after booze. You don't need it the way you think you do - and it's no friend to you. It's tearing your life apart, ruining your health and sanity. You can stop the progression of this devastating disease and have a new life. Please don't give up on yourself - give sobriety a try.
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Old 06-04-2012, 03:51 PM
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Welcome to SR. Welcome to the sickness. Thank you for your post. I am there with you in many ways. It all begins now with your post. It might take some time. I am still in the middle. But I believe you have created the foundation in which to build a new life. I think my foundation is solid. I have yet to learn how to build a frame. That is yet to come. Good luck on your journey. No matter what, stay connected here.

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Old 06-04-2012, 04:41 PM
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Hey Todd,

I like drinking too but when my doctor told me my liver was in bad shape I thought “Crap, this is serious – you have to quit. Now!” That was two years ago and still I continued. My life insurance policy came up for renewal and I had to submit to bloodwork to renew it. Guess what? “DENIED” because of my liver enzyme count. I’m just quit again – I’m only on Day 2. I was sober for over a week and then went on vacation and used that as an excuse to drink. “I’ll get back on track when we get home from holidays”.

I understand a lot of what you’re saying. I can’t remember how many times I’ve woken up in the morning regretting the night before or worse, not even remembering the night before. My husband, who’s also an alcoholic, would have to remind me. I’d have bruises on me and couldn’t remember why. It’s because I convinced myself at 45 years of age and 40 pounds overweight that I could do a handstand like I could when I was 18. Wrong. One night I was so drunk and got undressed for bed in the dark I fell backwards full force into the corner of the wall. I made it to bed but when I woke up in the AM I could hardly breathe and didn’t know why. When I finally remembered what happened I went to the doctor to find out I had cracked a rib. Of course I lied and said I got tangled up taking my pants off for bed – no mention of the alcohol. I thought to myself what if I’d cracked my head on the corner? I could have bled out on the floor cause I would have been unconscious and my husband wouldn’t hear my in his drunken sleep. Still that wasn’t enough to convice me I needed to stop.

I’ve woken up to dents in the bedroom wall where I flung the remote control in anger over something my husband said in his drunken stupor. He’s one of these lucky people that can drink and no have a hangover in the morning – no matter how much he drinks. He just gets the “slows”. He says he’ll quit to support me but I know deep down he doesn’t want to quit.

So, we have something in common. So let’s speak freely. You need to get serious help and not just with “hope” and “motivation” from these forums. They’re a great support tool but you need to decide what action plan you’re going to take. AA meetings, meds from your doctor that’ll help you quit, something. You obviously realize what alcohol is doing to you and your relationships so you need to really sit down and look at yourself in the mirror. Really look. Then take a sheet of paper and write down the pros and cons of alcohol and how you feel after you drink. You’ll realize the pros are so much stronger – yes, it’ll be hard but you have to take it one step at a time. Not day by day – literally minute by minute at first. The days will be long and the nights longer because sleep will not come easily. I used to say “I sleep better when I have a few”, then someone on one of these forums said “you didn’t go to sleep – you passed out”. Wow. I never saw it that way.

There are lots of people here that understand your situation and will offer great encouragement and support, including myself, but only you can take action. You’re worth it. Your family and friends are worth it. Quitting IS NOT going to kill you. Hang in there!
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Old 06-04-2012, 04:56 PM
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glad ya see alcohol is the problem. i remember admitting i was an alcoholic when i was drinking, but couldnt figure out why i couldnt stop. welp, come to find out it was because i really didnty know what it meant to be an alocholic.
the day after my last drunk( to date), i had the 4 horsemen sittin in front of me. i was told what i had done and said the night before and my then fiance said," get out!! get the f*** out!!!"
i didnt argue. i packed up some clothes and left. i had then fully admitted that alcohol was the problem. i knew i had to do something about it, didnt know what to do, but knew that everything i had done before to stop drinking didnt work, so i narrowed my choices down to 2: go to AA or kill myself. i chose AA. i was full of fear. fear of the unknown! i had no clue what it was like to be sober( started drinking at 14 nd was 36 at the time) or how to even live. all i was realy doin when drinking was existing.
so here i sit tonight, free from the craving, compulsion, and obsession to drink. i am a friggin miracle and you can be too!! not gonna say AA can be the way for ya, but it worked for me and millions of other worthless, useless, and hopeless drunks!
prayers yer way!
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Old 06-04-2012, 05:50 PM
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Welcome back...
.
Please do have an honest talk with your doctor about how best to de tox.
You simply don't know how dangerous it will be this time.

You mentioned boredom..Hmm...during my years in AA recovery..
I have been sad...mad and glad...but never bored!...

Many of us are winning over alcohol..useing a variety of methods.
Please find something that gives you purpose and joy...I sure have.

All my best to you and your loved ones as you move into a better future
without that liquid toxin...alcohol.
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Old 06-04-2012, 09:01 PM
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Glad you are here!
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