Ready to try
Good day everyone, I apologize in advance for this long post but, frankly, I have no one to talk to in my life, I have no one who would even remotely understand what I need to say. I wont lie to you, I am having a drink as I write this.
I can admit I am an alcoholic. I joined this site way back in late 2010 for the wrong reasons; I wanted to appease my spouse and tell her I was seeking help. I was seeking help for sure, the help to stay with my family. That method failed. I then sought solace in exercise. And alcohol. Lots of both. I lost some weight, was keeping it off while I was drinking. Seemed like a good idea to me! But then I found I was developing really odd habits - I couldnt go for a drive without a beer between my legs. I was planning my day around drinking, ie. ok, if I get home at 4pm, I can then hit the liquor store, be smashed by 6, go to bed, take 10 Advils, be good for the 9am meeting. But I wasnt good for the meeting. I would find myself throwing up a LOT in the morning (I'm a male and I even tried the morning sickness excuse. Didnt work!) I found myself one Sunday passed out naked in the hallway betwen the kitchen and the bedroom...I rolled over and tried to get up and kept slipping in the vomit I had laid out all over the floor (I live alone by the way). Somehow I made it to the bedroom only to see my 50 inch TV smashed on the ground. Even THIS event did not phase me at all.
I found myself lying...lying to everyone. Lies, lies lies...about my work, people I met, you name it, I lied about it. To my girlfriend. And I shouldnt have had to lie! There was nothing to lie about! I would make up stupid stories to attract people to me so I would seem interesting, not just a sad loner who has a serious alcohol problem. Baffle 'em with words! My sons mother, we reconciled back and forth, back and forth but the same underlying problem ALWAYS came up. I would drink on the drive to her house, she would smell it then she would get angry. We would break up. A year would go by and we'd try again, I'd say I was sober and she'd find bottles hidden in my snow boots in the front closet. BANG! Thats over again. I tried to be sober around her on occasion, maybe one day of a weekend then at night when we were intimate, I couldnt figure out what I was doing. Literally I was trying to be a good lover and I was questioning myself, insecure, confused..this was so much easier when I was blasted. So my sober times didnt last at all. This most recent time, 3 months ago, we really connected again. We had both matured and grown up a little (I dont really think I did...) but when she came over I would hid the booze. I would say I am going downstairs to do laundry and smuggle a couple of cans of beer with me. Its hard work being an alcoholic when you are on your own, harder when you are trying VERY hard to hide it. She ended it, again, because I was drinking bourbon one night and got into a very bad email message thread with her wherein I said some horrible things. I didnt remember it the next day. She's gone again. This time for good I imagine. All because I was drinking.
Nothing good in my life has come from alcohol, in fact it has ruined so many things and opportunities for me I couldnt even begin to tell you. Yet I still come home, I still drink and my problems disappear for the evening. Then tomorrow the problems return, this time with far more urgency then they ever had. So I drink again.
Drinking is killing me. Physically, mentally, spiritually and every relationship I have had has been systematically destroyed by me because I wanted to be with alcohol more than I wanted to be with them. And that saddens me immensely.
Truth is, I am SCARED to death to quit. I like drinking although its KILLING me. I will miss the buzz, the warmth. I will be bored to death and wont know what to do with my time. I have never been so scared of something in my life. How will I ever sleep again? I am very very confused. What is clear to me is that if I dont quit soon, I will NEVR have a normal personal relationship, I will never achieve my goals and I will die sooner than I would like. Even with all that motivation, 3 great reasons to quit today and for good, I cant do it.
I really hope that this time, as I am serious about this, I can find some hope and motivation in these forums.
Thank you very much for reading this long post.
Todd