Instead of going backwards...
My kids are with other parent and I alone...going into the night. I took a shower, got dressed up and left the house with intent to drink myself into a stupor. I am not the A, my separated husband is and yet I was going to turn to alcohol, the very reason our lives our falling apart. I feel so sad. My AH walked out on me and gets to do whatever whenever and here I am left holding the bag, to figure things out. I started out with the intent to drink so I didn't have to feel this pain. The pain of feeling that I wasn't enough, our kids weren't enough motivation to get him to commit to changing his life. I did things wrong, I wasn't perfect...but I never gave up on him. I've always loved him and the thing that hurts the most is that I never had a chance...his guard was always up from Day 1 and I never knew he didn't let me in the same way I let him in. I'm glad I drove and ended up at the beach and not a bar. I walked alone on the beach and realized I have my kids to be strong for. I have to be strong for those kids, its not even a choice. I love my AH even though he abandoned us.Being insignificant to someone who is so significant in my life feels awful. God, grant me the serenity...