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Instead of going backwards...

Old 06-03-2012, 07:48 PM
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Instead of going backwards...

My kids are with other parent and I alone...going into the night. I took a shower, got dressed up and left the house with intent to drink myself into a stupor. I am not the A, my separated husband is and yet I was going to turn to alcohol, the very reason our lives our falling apart. I feel so sad. My AH walked out on me and gets to do whatever whenever and here I am left holding the bag, to figure things out. I started out with the intent to drink so I didn't have to feel this pain. The pain of feeling that I wasn't enough, our kids weren't enough motivation to get him to commit to changing his life. I did things wrong, I wasn't perfect...but I never gave up on him. I've always loved him and the thing that hurts the most is that I never had a chance...his guard was always up from Day 1 and I never knew he didn't let me in the same way I let him in. I'm glad I drove and ended up at the beach and not a bar. I walked alone on the beach and realized I have my kids to be strong for. I have to be strong for those kids, its not even a choice. I love my AH even though he abandoned us.Being insignificant to someone who is so significant in my life feels awful. God, grant me the serenity...
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Old 06-03-2012, 08:16 PM
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You are not alone. I spent some time this evening wondering why I can't relax this weekend, and perhaps a drink would help me unwind? Don't remember the last drink I had- oh wait- i do, I was made to feel guilty about it back in January. Had the "if you can't beat 'em join 'em" thoughts, but then I realized that going to the liquor store would expose me to people just like my ABF, and that stopped me!

I am afraid my guy is getting ready to leave me behind my back, springing it on me when I am most vulnerable. I often thank God I don't have kids involved in all of this, but then I read your comment and realize they are such a blessing. Someone else to be strong for, motivate you when it's really hard to do it for yourself. And they love you.

One other thing- I noticed you wrote that he gets to go out and have fun and leave you with the mess. Yup, get that, but I've been finding it easier to forgive when I change my language a little to " he has to go out" and drink and do whatever... Just a little mental trick I learned, because through it all, I still really care about him... I'm proud of you just going to the beach.
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Old 06-03-2012, 08:42 PM
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Oh dear, you're not alone. I have a 4 year old and a 10 month old and I'm taking care of them by myself. I'm staying with my parents and my mother has her own problems and isn't much help. I resent my husband for leaving me on my own to handle everything. I'm fine during the day, but at night is the worst. Last week, I drank two nights in a row and then decided that numbing the pain isn't the right path to take. Good for you for resisting it. We'll be okay, and our children will be proud of us for being strong.
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Old 06-03-2012, 08:53 PM
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I'm sitting here with a glass of wine myself. I realized finally that I drink a glass every so often because I enjoy it and if I don't like a wine when I buy it, I just pour it out. I also do NOT ever drink a drop and then drive.

I am so glad you didn't drink and drive, well or drink at all actually! Whenever I want to drink because it's emotional I stop myself and choose to have a glass of sparkling water with lemon. If I was craving a bloody mary then I'd have a glass of tomato juice with lots of hot sauce and salt, LOL! I know, crazy, but it does the trick for me. When I go out with friends I drink ginger ale, too.

Our kids are so important to us and it's important to set the right example for them, too. Sending you lots of hugs tonight!
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Old 06-03-2012, 09:19 PM
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You are doing the very best you can right now, in spite of the searing emotional pain and the deep shock that this has happened to your marriage and your family.

Wishing for you a lessening of your pain and a gradual return to hope.

God was at the beach, too. He avoids the bars. (Everybody there ignores him). He wouldn't have been able to find you.
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Old 06-04-2012, 04:09 AM
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Good morning, Sweeteewalls!

I hope you were able to get some rest last night.

The pain of feeling that I wasn't enough, our kids weren't enough motivation to get him to commit to changing his life. I did things wrong, I wasn't perfect...but I never gave up on him. I've always loved him and the thing that hurts the most is that I never had a chance...his guard was always up from Day 1 and I never knew he didn't let me in the same way I let him in.
You were always enough, you are enough.....the sad truth is, the only important thing for an active alcoholic is the alcohol. Nothing else matters.

I hope that you will value yourself and know that you and your children are the priority and deserve peace and true joy!
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Old 06-04-2012, 06:34 AM
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Thank you everyone...Hydro, I did wake up this morning, although alone, relieved that I didn't do something I would regret last night. As much as last night hurt to have to absorb all that pain, I just allowed myself to feel it. After the beach, just got some takeout and watched a movie. Journaled a little, was on here a little...I miss my family so much, but I cannot force AH to want me or my children. I have to just keep living my life and push through this pain.
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Old 06-04-2012, 06:36 AM
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As bad as it feels, imagine the hangover you avoided.

It gets better.
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Old 06-04-2012, 08:50 AM
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Hi Sweetteewalls. Good for you for staying healthy! I don't even dare have a glass of wine at the moment. Drinking always makes me feel more emotional when I'm sad. I get so jealous that my XABF can hide from his feelings so effectively. He also just walked out on me and the family. It's hard! I spent the whole day crying yesterday and I'm trying really really hard not to repeat that experience. I have to go to work soon.
I hope you're feeling a little better this morning and as everyone has said, you're not alone.
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