Firstly, thanks for the overwhelming support.
Originally Posted by
miamifella 
I had to practice stopping a lot.
Eventually the space between relapses got longer and longer.
Recently I had a weekend where I thought it would be a great opportunity to use. I did not want to think that, but the thought was there.
When the day came, falling off the wagon seemed like more effort than it was worth. So even a chronic relapser can eventually lose the desire.
A big turning point was moving away from the comfort of recovery methods that did not work in spite of years of effort. I decided that I would do whatever I had to do.
Just because you have been relapsing for a long time does not mean you will always relapse.
This is exactly how I'm feeling - when I'm positive, I know this. The spaces are getting further and further apart, and I do feel as though I'm improving, but I want it now and as soon as possible.
Originally Posted by
Dee74 I think regardless of what method you use or don't use, you need to want to succeed.
You wouldn't be the first drinker to be ambivalent about your drinking.
I had to look at why I returned to drinking time and again, Bored...and I mean go beyond the obvious 'I'm an alcoholic' bit...
I drank because of my feelings - I was bored, scared, lonely, angry whatever...
I drank because I wanted to fit in/didn't want to be different
I drank because I didn't want to admit defeat - I wanted to drink and have control over it.
I drank because I was terrified of not drinking...where would my respite come from...who would I be sober...?
anyway...you get the idea...thinking about that helped me work out what I thought drinking was doing for me...
It helped me work through some of the obvious BS statements...and it helped me to think about other ways to achieve the results I wanted without alcohol.
It was a start anyway.
I had to do a lot of work to get there, but I needed to accept drinking was not a viable option for me.
I could be who I wanted to be - or I could drink...there was no middle ground for me.
D
This is pretty much where I am, thanks Dee.
Defeat is a strong word too. I have time and time again thought, "yeah, I can beat this". The only way I can beat it is by not doing it, not by challenging it.
Originally Posted by
RobbyRobot You require a lasting psychic change. A new revolution from within. Like a phoenix rising. Not a better you, a new you!
Same old won't cut it, no matter how hard you try, it will always be the same results if you keep doing this to yourself.
You're almost there, you know? So, do yourself a favor, and listen to yourself -- push past all the old crappy trash, and get yourself into unknown fresh experiences and challenges of living sans alcohol -- and when you get bored, go find anybody to help them stay sober too, find somebody who suffers like you do, or did, and help them succeed with everything you got going for yourself. Give it all away freely.
You'll soon not be bored, or swayed, or lost, or in failure mode. You'll be out of operation normal and into operation extraordinaire!!
This too. It's so much where I am and what I need to focus on.
Thanks to all of the comments, I have read them and feel much better today. I made myself go out and do errands today, after I finally got some sleep. I did things today that would have been put off, and off, until the end of the day when I would think, "well, today's been wasted, I might as well start again tomorrow... etc."
I walked through the local town today and saw people here in England out drinking and absolutely wasted, stinking of alcohol. I would say it's because of the Jubilee celebrations - but is it really? Or is it just an excuse for people, yet again. Fair enough there are a lot of people who drink to enjoy themselves, I want to be able to be sober and alive, confident and free.
I just want this to be it. I want to be clean and focused on anything and everything. I want to live.