Bored3

Hi,

Just getting really sick of this. I feel like I've been doing the same thing for years. I go for periods at a time without drink, feel better, inevitably relapse. It's like I have a self destruct button that I want to punish myself.

I'm unemployed, my last job wasn't helped by drinking but I was suffering with depression at the time, a lot of that brought on or not helped by alcohol. I feel much better when I'm sober, I know I do, it's like I just get bored or feel uneasy when things are going too easy, again like I'm punishing myself.

I'm relatively young and really know that I can make a go of this. It almost feels hard to go back to drinking, but I always seem to. When I'm not sober, I let things slide, don't do things.

For example, a few weeks ago I wasn't drinking, I was trying to detox and feel better about myself. It was working. Before long, I was eating healthily but having some caffeine and meat. Then I think to myself, "I might as well drink tonight and start the healthy lifestyle again tomorrow", a week later I'm back here. I'm really an all or nothing type of person, an addict I suppose. Now, I feel like crap, been throwing up all yesterday, can't sleep, just annoyed with myself. Again.

I've been to AA, I've been to counselling, I've told people I have problems - the bottom line is when I put my energy towards being sober, I find it simple enough, my mind just always seems to sway.

I know if I am sober I can achieve anything - if I drink I ruin my body, my health, I become anxious, I have less chance of passing exams and projects, less chance of a career, more reclusive. It's a no brainer - why do I keep doing this to myself?

theysayimcrazy

i am only 4 days sober, and i'm also a chronic relapser. the other day i said to someone in the program "i feel like im going to be the only one in the world who the steps just dont work for." and she said "you're not that special." ive gone through so many treatments, i'm also young. i heard in a meeting the other night, "you can't quit drinking until you're through drinking." deep down, are you through? who knows if i truly am. but i am doing everything i can to keep sober. something was off in your recovery.. find what you could've done better and try again.. it's all we can do. but i'm right there with you, so don't feel alone. <3 glad you're back

Zee

The trouble is, you are clever, and you are probably a great thinker too... unfortunately this sometimes manifests into anxiety. It goes on from there. Drink to feel less anxious maybe?

There is no explaination as to why you are doing this..... In the beginning, alcohol makes you feel good... why wouldn't you want to drink? Its the old buggers (well, 41 lol) like me that wish they could turn the clocks back so they didn't completely compromise their internal organs for that 'couple of hours gettin' drunk' ... Its not so bad when you are young. This is when you have the choice

Sapling

You joined this site in April 2010....If you put your energy to it...It's simple enough. Let me ask you a few questions.

When you tried AA...Did you do 90 meetings in 90 days?
Did you get involved at all?...Make coffee?...Greet people at the door?...Put away chairs?
Did you read the Big Book?...More than once?
Did you get phone numbers and call them?
Did you get a sponsor?
Did you work the steps?
How many of these questions can you answer Yes too?

scrambled2012

I have reasons to believe I too have a tendency to sabotage myself when things start going too well. The reasons are many, complex, and differ from person to person.

Regardless, i have found great motivation when it comes to staying sober in emphasizing my duty to society and those around me as a grown adult. Getting drunk is irresponsible and threatens harm to others, children even, depending on circumstances and activities. I would never want to be "that guy" who causes thoughtless harm. I doubt you would want to be such a person either.

So in many respects its not about us, regardless of our pain or issues or whatever. This problem is not about us. Its about our qualifying as true and responsible citizens. If you find getting and staying sober to be easy at this time, then, friend, do what is right. It's the least you can do.

Bored3

I know. And it's Day 2, which has always been the worst for me. Once I get my sleep back on track and look after myself I'll be fine again, I just wish I could remember that the next time.

And you're right, drink made me invincible, now it cripples me. I walked to the shop on the first day - fine. By the third or fourth day of the relapse, I was scared to walk the normal way home in case I collapsed. I wouldn't have, but I didn't trust myself. It's pathetic. And with the drinking comes the sickness, borderline bulimia level. Then having to clean up after days of binges - just want to cry at the sight of it. As long as I remember I've been a natural loner - drink is something to do, and it's just not fun any more.

A couple of weeks ago, my computer had broken. Being sober, I kept a clear mind and calmly managed to fix it. During the last few days, my computer overheated while I passed out and needs to be fixed again - maybe it's a sign.

I don't even feel the need to socially drink now - that was something I did to calm me down, when I'm sober I feel comfortable, it's often when things are going well that I feel the need to self destruct - I don't know why I need to make things so hard for myself.

Bored3

I did yes, and I'd been trying to give up before that - I guess I'm not that good at it - point taken.

AA wasn't for me - it isn't for many people who get sober, it is for many, so you know my answers. Other programmes have worked for me - it is purely down to my own actions that I keep ending up back here. I don't have a problem with AA, I just don't want it.

I'm not even here for advice really, I'm just annoyed at myself and needed to vent.

Sapling

You have to figure if you don't want it...You're not really relapsing then. You're just taking breaks. It's a lot easier to commit to something...When you want it. True?

CuteNGayYay

Reading your post sounds almost exactly like me. I'm working on 24 hours right now and feel horrible.. it does feel good to know I'm not alone. Thanks for posting..

Zee

I had a blast in my 20's and 30's... loved it. Was a very functioning alki. Great job, great life. When things start to go downhill though... they can go very very fast! Not always just emotionally... alcohol can destroy people in every sense. Being young, you can be blase, but it always won't be like that. Its the choices you make NOW that can make the difference!

Bored3

I don't want AA, I do want sobriety. I don't want this to become AA Vs. Secular debate - I recognise that AA is a wonderful organisation that has helped millions, including some people I know.

I really do want to commit to sobriety - and 99% of the time there isn't a problem, I just need to not go back - maybe it's personal issues I don't know.

I know in my heart there is nothing good that can come from my drinking - not immediate, and certainly not in the future.

Sapling

I don't care how you do it...Why don't you find something to put your energy into...And make it work...If sobriety is what you want....Give it all you got.

keithj

If these things have worked for you, then why, after two years, are you on your second day of not drinking?

I'm not trying to be hurtful. Cutting through that delusion was critical for me in getting sober. I had to see this fantasy for what it was. I was just like you, convinced that I knew what I had to do to stay sober, without a shred of success. It helped me to look at the facts. The facts were, that I had spent years trying to get sober, and was still getting drunk. Obviously whatever I was doing wasn't working very well.

When I saw the failure in what I was doing, I became willing to try some things I didn't want to do.

Bored3

Yeah, I guess you're right. What I meant is they have worked for me - before I let my brain talk me into doing it again, not that successful really.

I'm not proud, really. I've tried things, I've admitted everything, I really do want to give up. It just infuriates me how I can go feeling fine nearly all of the time and then end up back here. I know, I really know that this isn't good for me - and I know what it does. I don't need people to tell me things I already know.

I firmly believe that it is completely my decision to drink or not to drink - I'm the only one who can really stop it. I accept help, I always will. People do relapse and when they do it is their own doing. I know it's simplified but I really do believe that.

CarolD

When I began working my AA steps...I finally quit drinking and found
solid recovery....

Perhaps that is not what you wwanted to hear...but I feel compelled to
share my expereince....that is all I can offer.


I sure hope you will find a sober healthy future...
with or without AA.

Leemzer

I really do thing you have to be THROUGH with alcohol. It took me 20 years...never thought I'd drink past 30 and I am now 41...just sober a month....it is all about really being ready and WILLING to lay it down for good.

miamifella

I had to practice stopping a lot.

Eventually the space between relapses got longer and longer.

Recently I had a weekend where I thought it would be a great opportunity to use. I did not want to think that, but the thought was there.

When the day came, falling off the wagon seemed like more effort than it was worth. So even a chronic relapser can eventually lose the desire.

A big turning point was moving away from the comfort of recovery methods that did not work in spite of years of effort. I decided that I would do whatever I had to do.

Just because you have been relapsing for a long time does not mean you will always relapse.

Dee74

I think regardless of what method you use or don't use, you need to want to succeed.
You wouldn't be the first drinker to be ambivalent about your drinking.

I had to look at why I returned to drinking time and again, Bored...and I mean go beyond the obvious 'I'm an alcoholic' bit...

I drank because of my feelings - I was bored, scared, lonely, angry whatever...

I drank because I wanted to fit in/didn't want to be different

I drank because I didn't want to admit defeat - I wanted to drink and have control over it.

I drank because I was terrified of not drinking...where would my respite come from...who would I be sober...?

anyway...you get the idea...thinking about that helped me work out what I thought drinking was doing for me...

It helped me work through some of the obvious BS statements...and it helped me to think about other ways to achieve the results I wanted without alcohol.

It was a start anyway.

I had to do a lot of work to get there, but I needed to accept drinking was not a viable option for me.

I could be who I wanted to be - or I could drink...there was no middle ground for me.

D

littlefish

I also experienced drinking again and again despite wanting to stay sober.
When I look back on my history with relapsing I can now identify a major obstacle stopping me from recovering.

For quite a while I gave lip service to sobriety, I didn't really accept that I cannot drink. I would tell myself on a conscious level that I cannot drink, but somewhere in my subconscious mind, I still thought that I could find moments and opportunities to drink and still stay sane and safe. I would prove myself wrong every single time.
I had a hard time believing and accepting that I have a disease and that it is a serious disease. I held on to the dream that I was "normal" and could still find ways to drink without things spinning out of control. Never worked.
Countless relapses and binges later, I finally had that crucial change in attitude, a complete psychic change in my attitude towards alcohol.
I went from thinking: oh, one drink won't hurt, to thinking: one drink will start me on a binge, I won't be able to stop. That is the way it is, it won't happen any other way. There are no maybes, there are no "ifs": it WILL all go straight to HXXL in a handbasket, no exceptions.
It was a total change in attitude.

instant

looking for why never helped me. It helped keep me stuck.

From your original post- I suggest you try AVRT. The concept is straight forward- the only issue is are you prepared to work for your goal- There are tough times, bored times and good times and that is when we are tested