Originally Posted by
suki44883 
My therapist shared something today with me that made me think about things. She said that I can ask him to do all kinds of things to fix our marriage, to set some limits, etc and basically give him an ultimatum. But, she said that I need to approach it as 'I need this to happen, I need for this to happen if our marriage is to succeed, I deserve this/that/whatever from a husband and from a marriage and our son deserves things too.' She said that I need to take this approach instead of the; 'you need to do this, you need to go to AA, you need to get into a treatment program, etc'
Anyway, it put some things into perspective and made me realize that I can be in control of ME and I can only express my wants and needs as they pertain to me, not as they pertain to HIM. Does that make sense?
Yes, these are called boundaries, something we recommend here every day. Boundaries do not require the other person to do anything other than whatever they want. They set out what you will and will not accept in YOUR life. He can either respect those boundaries or not. That shouldn't affect what YOU are willing to put up with. However, boundaries won't work unless we are willing to hold them.
It's weird how she had to phrase it like that for me to understand, though. I've been reading all kinds of books on boundaries but it was her perspective/approach that started to sink in with me. And, I know that I have been unable to set boundaries because I've been fearful of the actual outcome, fearful of the what if's, fearful of retaliation, etc. I am FINALLY not feeling afraid. I am finally feeling that I AM important. I am finally realizing that this isn't just about the DUI, it's about all those years of dry drunk crazy making behavior (when I swore he was bipolar) that I can't get back.