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He relapsed

Old 05-28-2012, 08:48 PM
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He relapsed

Well, AH drank this weekend while I was gone. I saw the purchases on our shopper's card online. I had checked it to look for coupons and some of the coupons that came up were for beer, so that tells me he drank. Then, I walked the dog down to the park and saw his empties in the trash cans. Now, they could have been anybody's empties, right, but this is his typical place to throw away his bottles so I knew most of them were his.

So, I'm ticked off. He's going to jail this weekend for his DUI and here he his getting plastered again. Geez, couldn't he have waited until the DUI stuff was over? Nope, it's pretty obvious the addiction is in control. Sigh, I honestly should have expected it but I am sick to my stomach today. He doesn't know that I know, what good would that do, right? It's not going to change the fact that he's going to do what he's going to do. Now, the question is: what am I going to do?
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Old 05-28-2012, 08:57 PM
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Hi Lizatola-

That is so disappointing, I am sorry to hear that.

That really is the million dollar question, what are you going to do now? Does this change anything?
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Old 05-28-2012, 08:59 PM
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That's a huge question. It'll take time to figure it out. I've been working the steps and seeking answers through them. It sure helps to have a guide.

Love,

Lily
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Old 05-28-2012, 11:20 PM
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Hi Lizatola - so sorry you're going through this. "What am I going to do" really is the million dollar question. With him away at jail, hopefully this will give you some peace and will give you some time to spend on yourself to figure out what it is that you want.
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Old 05-28-2012, 11:52 PM
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He would probably lie or deny it anyway so you are very wise not to waste your energy on bringing it up to him. I commend your healthy choices. I would have been chomping at the bit to call him out which would have led to a blow out fight.

Very sad.
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Old 05-29-2012, 03:24 AM
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i'm sorry Liz.
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Old 05-29-2012, 06:17 AM
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Ya, that really is the question. No point in doing anything until he's out of your hair in jail, when I hope you are able to find some quiet time to center yourself, and think. And if you still can't answer your question, that's OK! It will come in time...
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Old 05-29-2012, 06:27 AM
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Originally Posted by AlreadyAlone View Post
Ya, that really is the question. No point in doing anything until he's out of your hair in jail, when I hope you are able to find some quiet time to center yourself, and think. And if you still can't answer your question, that's OK! It will come in time...
I know, I just keep praying to be in my Higher Power's will. He's only going to be in jail for 3 days, though, then 11 days of house arrest. I will be traveling for 5 of those days so I'm grateful that I will be getting away.

Although it's making me angry, I honestly feel at peace to some degree because I knew it was coming. Not that I needed that kind of validation but at least it was expected. I had told myself back when the DUI happened that I wouldn't stay with him if he continued to drink. I still have to implement that plan. I'm still planning on our trip in 2 weeks and then I'm still planning on going to FL for 3-4 weeks in July. After that time, I will implement a plan and hopefully have a few kinks worked out. The only thing that will help him keep me around is if he realizes he has a problem, starts working a program of recovery, and makes real change in his life.
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Old 05-29-2012, 06:36 AM
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Wow Lizatola, you and I are going thru the same thing, while my AH isn't dealing with a DUI at this time, he is drinking himself passed out every day of the week, on the weekends he starts drinking Sat morning, passes out Sat afternoon, wakes up and drinks until he is passed out again. He has shut out the world, won't take phone calls, text or even want anyone around. I'm staying in Portland with family and have made plans to go back to Idaho next week and get the rest of my stuff out of the house. Mentally I can't take it anymore, but my heart and soul misses him so much. Wish there was a magic pill to give him to make him well. But guess just got to wait until he wants help. He says he does on day, then the next he just can't/don't want to quit. Easier to just shove everyone out and drink and drink. It is really hard on the ones that love the person. hope your hubby makes the right desion and choose life instead. I pray this to for the man I love!
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Old 05-29-2012, 09:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Katiekate View Post
i'm sorry Liz.
Thank you, Katie. And, since he doesn't know that I know he's walking around like life is just fine. I'm looking into a few things this week. I am thinking of trading in my car since it's getting close to 100K miles and see if can find something that will last longer and has a warranty. I have a Lexus SUV so it should be worth some money even with the high miles and I'm looking into buying a smaller SUV like the Nissan Rogue or the Hyundai Tucson. And, I'm planning on having the car in my name only, too.

Then, I'm going through all our assets and adding stuff up. Looking at our retirement monies and equity in the house, etc. Basically, I'm starting to prepare for the worst, but I'm hoping for the best.
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Old 05-29-2012, 10:09 AM
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The problem is that alcohol is his solution to dealing with the world. Until he accepts that the consequences and his life are totally unmanageable and that he is unable to stop once he has "just one" drink and finds a New Solution, he will continue to drink.

No, it isn't an excuse, it just is this way. Hopefully he will find a solution (AA's 12 steps work wonders) to replace his drinking.

I wish you well! I hope he finds recovery.

Peace, love, and hugs,
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Old 05-29-2012, 04:28 PM
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Originally Posted by sugarbear1 View Post
The problem is that alcohol is his solution to dealing with the world. Until he accepts that the consequences and his life are totally unmanageable and that he is unable to stop once he has "just one" drink and finds a New Solution, he will continue to drink.

No, it isn't an excuse, it just is this way. Hopefully he will find a solution (AA's 12 steps work wonders) to replace his drinking.

I wish you well! I hope he finds recovery.

Peace, love, and hugs,
It's so sad, isn't it? I hope he finds recovery, too. I just hope he finds it while I'm still around and willing to maybe work things out. I may not wait forever, there are lots of other fish in the sea.
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Old 05-29-2012, 05:19 PM
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It appears his DUI has had a bigger impact on you rather than him. Sadly, his first DUI & arrest could be just the start. Alcoholism is progressive & it sounds as if he is still in the beginning stages.
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Old 05-29-2012, 05:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Justfor1 View Post
It appears his DUI has had a bigger impact on you rather than him. Sadly, his first DUI & arrest could be just the start. Alcoholism is progressive & it sounds as if he is still in the beginning stages.
Yes, maybe I was hopeful that it would be his bottom? To me, it was a real indicator of how bad his drinking was getting, I think I was in denial to some degree or that I actually believed he wouldn't drink then drive drunk. You know, typical codie stuff.

Unfortunately, I don't know how to live peacefully with this kind of drama and up and down life he creates and I'm tired of it. I want our marriage to work because no one wants their marriage to fail, but if he doesn't want to put in his own work and admit he has a problem then I don't give us much hope. And, that's what's really sad.
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Old 05-29-2012, 05:47 PM
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Lizatola, what has your husband shared with you recently regarding his desire to quit drinking and work a program of recovery ?

From what I have read here he has not given as much as a backward glance to what situation he is in as a result of his drinking. Staying in a marriage and wanting it to succeed because no one wants to see a marriage fail doesn't sound like a success story to me.
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Old 05-29-2012, 08:47 PM
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Originally Posted by gerryP View Post
Lizatola, what has your husband shared with you recently regarding his desire to quit drinking and work a program of recovery ?

From what I have read here he has not given as much as a backward glance to what situation he is in as a result of his drinking. Staying in a marriage and wanting it to succeed because no one wants to see a marriage fail doesn't sound like a success story to me.
Nothing. He's shared nothing but that could also be because I don't ask. I figure that if he wanted help, he'd ask me to assist him or something. If he really wanted to deal with his problem, then he's going to have to go it alone because I can't fix it for him. And, since he hasn't asked for help, I guess he doesn't think he has a problem. I only invited him to come along to a meeting(to go to AA while I went to Al Anon) once and he turned me down. He also got the advice from his psychiatrist to go to AA, but didn't make a move towards recovery at that point either.

And, you're right. It's not a success story, it's a work in progress of a story that is being written and I'm in control of my character. I can change things for ME and for my SON.

My therapist shared something today with me that made me think about things. She said that I can ask him to do all kinds of things to fix our marriage, to set some limits, etc and basically give him an ultimatum. But, she said that I need to approach it as 'I need this to happen, I need for this to happen if our marriage is to succeed, I deserve this/that/whatever from a husband and from a marriage and our son deserves things too.' She said that I need to take this approach instead of the; 'you need to do this, you need to go to AA, you need to get into a treatment program, etc'
Anyway, it put some things into perspective and made me realize that I can be in control of ME and I can only express my wants and needs as they pertain to me, not as they pertain to HIM. Does that make sense?
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Old 05-30-2012, 04:49 AM
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My therapist shared something today with me that made me think about things. She said that I can ask him to do all kinds of things to fix our marriage, to set some limits, etc and basically give him an ultimatum. But, she said that I need to approach it as 'I need this to happen, I need for this to happen if our marriage is to succeed, I deserve this/that/whatever from a husband and from a marriage and our son deserves things too.' She said that I need to take this approach instead of the; 'you need to do this, you need to go to AA, you need to get into a treatment program, etc'
Anyway, it put some things into perspective and made me realize that I can be in control of ME and I can only express my wants and needs as they pertain to me, not as they pertain to HIM. Does that make sense?


Yes, these are called boundaries, something we recommend here every day. Boundaries do not require the other person to do anything other than whatever they want. They set out what you will and will not accept in YOUR life. He can either respect those boundaries or not. That shouldn't affect what YOU are willing to put up with. However, boundaries won't work unless we are willing to hold them.
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Old 05-30-2012, 05:16 AM
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Boundaries are the #1 thing that I learned to APPLY here at SR. I read some books as well and I lovingly shared my life plan and boundaries with my A before his last relapse.

Recovery brings focus... laser sharp... and 3 months before he picked up the drink that violated my no alcohol boundary and severed our relationship forever I saw that drink coming closer and closer.

And...every day I thought about my boundary and had my life plan in place if and when it happened. I saw that our relationship was on life support because he had abandoned recovery and was white knucking his sobriety. I didn't start controlling and "forcing" recovery action and for the first time stayed in my own hula hoop and poured concrete in my line in the sand and kept reinforcing that the first drink was the last one I would live with.

And when the day came and he relapsed I was mentally and emotionally ready and packed him for the 10th time and went nc... but this time I didn't even listen to the quacks or weaken!

And that is how it worked for me .... alanon, counseling and SR! It's good stuff for the soul.
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Old 05-30-2012, 07:26 AM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
My therapist shared something today with me that made me think about things. She said that I can ask him to do all kinds of things to fix our marriage, to set some limits, etc and basically give him an ultimatum. But, she said that I need to approach it as 'I need this to happen, I need for this to happen if our marriage is to succeed, I deserve this/that/whatever from a husband and from a marriage and our son deserves things too.' She said that I need to take this approach instead of the; 'you need to do this, you need to go to AA, you need to get into a treatment program, etc'
Anyway, it put some things into perspective and made me realize that I can be in control of ME and I can only express my wants and needs as they pertain to me, not as they pertain to HIM. Does that make sense?


Yes, these are called boundaries, something we recommend here every day. Boundaries do not require the other person to do anything other than whatever they want. They set out what you will and will not accept in YOUR life. He can either respect those boundaries or not. That shouldn't affect what YOU are willing to put up with. However, boundaries won't work unless we are willing to hold them.
It's weird how she had to phrase it like that for me to understand, though. I've been reading all kinds of books on boundaries but it was her perspective/approach that started to sink in with me. And, I know that I have been unable to set boundaries because I've been fearful of the actual outcome, fearful of the what if's, fearful of retaliation, etc. I am FINALLY not feeling afraid. I am finally feeling that I AM important. I am finally realizing that this isn't just about the DUI, it's about all those years of dry drunk crazy making behavior (when I swore he was bipolar) that I can't get back.
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Old 05-30-2012, 07:33 AM
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I think when we are ready to hear it, that is when it sinks in. We can hear the same things over and over again but if we aren't truly ready to deal with it, then it just doesn't penetrate. She didn't say anything that you haven't already heard or read before, it's just that now, you are really ready to hear it.
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