Day 10 - Feeling. . . Different?
This time, sobriety has left me with a totally different feeling. Having lost everything because of one drunken night brings the meaning of regret to a whole new level. I have found dealing with that to be very difficult, and I don't really know where to start in terms of turning things around. I'm chipping away at it slowly though.
My boss (well ex boss now) sent me an email yesterday filled with positive sentiment. It was so much harder reading that then it would be if he was like "you big drunken jerk, you really effed it up this time!" He told me everyone from my work place was rooting for me and it was time for me to just get better and become the worker that he knows I can be. Talk about tear fest. I am very thankful they never met the person that I am when I am drinking-- I feel like my departure would be very different if they had. I also had lunch with an ex co-worker... Again, nothing but support and kind words. How the hell did I end up so lucky?
It's funny when we have so much positivity in our lives, we still can't shake the negativity. My ex boyfriend's words still haunt me daily and I can't help but hold on to the lingering need of wanting him to say 'sorry.' I know holding on to things like that will cripple us - I've been waiting for a sorry from my mother for the 30 years I have been alive... I try to get all my emotions out that I'm feeling so I can just DEAL and more importantly MOVE ON... I've been journaling, talking to a counsellor and friends, coming here, crying if I feel like crying... Laughing if I feel like laughing... I just feel stuck. I'm hoping that as I start to rebuild my life again, these things will start feeling of less importance with time. I mean, I have to get to a spot in my life that when I'm faced with these things -- I know to go in the other direction. The same goes for drinking.
I've also realized how much I need to grieve the alcohol, as weird as that sounds. Any time I've quit before I've thought to myself "maybe in a year, five years, twenty years... things will be better so I can drink." This time, I've had to accept that I can't ever try again, ever. The thought of successfully abstaining for twenty years and just picking up where I left off and losing everything AGAIN scares me to death. I could do a lot with the next twenty years of my life and to lose it all to alcohol, for the second time, probably when I have more than I do now... Is a scary thought. I know we're only suppose to be thinking about one day at a time, but the fact that I could even fathom drinking again after all that has happened astounds me. The fact that thinking about NEVER drinking again makes me feel so empty, speaks volumes to me about the problem I have. A normal drinker, at best, would be annoyed... but as the saying goes-- If I was a normal drinker, I'd drink every day... Too true.
Anyway, just felt the need to vent. Hope you are all having a lovely Wednesday!