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Day 10 - Feeling. . . Different?

Old 05-30-2012, 07:18 AM
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Day 10 - Feeling. . . Different?

This time, sobriety has left me with a totally different feeling. Having lost everything because of one drunken night brings the meaning of regret to a whole new level. I have found dealing with that to be very difficult, and I don't really know where to start in terms of turning things around. I'm chipping away at it slowly though.

My boss (well ex boss now) sent me an email yesterday filled with positive sentiment. It was so much harder reading that then it would be if he was like "you big drunken jerk, you really effed it up this time!" He told me everyone from my work place was rooting for me and it was time for me to just get better and become the worker that he knows I can be. Talk about tear fest. I am very thankful they never met the person that I am when I am drinking-- I feel like my departure would be very different if they had. I also had lunch with an ex co-worker... Again, nothing but support and kind words. How the hell did I end up so lucky?

It's funny when we have so much positivity in our lives, we still can't shake the negativity. My ex boyfriend's words still haunt me daily and I can't help but hold on to the lingering need of wanting him to say 'sorry.' I know holding on to things like that will cripple us - I've been waiting for a sorry from my mother for the 30 years I have been alive... I try to get all my emotions out that I'm feeling so I can just DEAL and more importantly MOVE ON... I've been journaling, talking to a counsellor and friends, coming here, crying if I feel like crying... Laughing if I feel like laughing... I just feel stuck. I'm hoping that as I start to rebuild my life again, these things will start feeling of less importance with time. I mean, I have to get to a spot in my life that when I'm faced with these things -- I know to go in the other direction. The same goes for drinking.

I've also realized how much I need to grieve the alcohol, as weird as that sounds. Any time I've quit before I've thought to myself "maybe in a year, five years, twenty years... things will be better so I can drink." This time, I've had to accept that I can't ever try again, ever. The thought of successfully abstaining for twenty years and just picking up where I left off and losing everything AGAIN scares me to death. I could do a lot with the next twenty years of my life and to lose it all to alcohol, for the second time, probably when I have more than I do now... Is a scary thought. I know we're only suppose to be thinking about one day at a time, but the fact that I could even fathom drinking again after all that has happened astounds me. The fact that thinking about NEVER drinking again makes me feel so empty, speaks volumes to me about the problem I have. A normal drinker, at best, would be annoyed... but as the saying goes-- If I was a normal drinker, I'd drink every day... Too true.

Anyway, just felt the need to vent. Hope you are all having a lovely Wednesday!
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Old 05-30-2012, 08:00 AM
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You know what you have to do...Find something that works and work it. It takes some effort...But look at the effort we put into getting ourselves into the trouble we got into.
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Old 05-30-2012, 08:19 AM
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You have a lot of self awareness -- more than most people do. Everything you've gone through and are going through will make you stronger and wiser, as long as you stay the course.
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Old 05-30-2012, 08:35 AM
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The further you get from your last drink the more other things will fill the void that you're feeling right now. For my first month I felt very empty like you described. I've noticed that slowly other things have started to take up my time. Just remember that in the beginning it's going to be hard but does get easier. You need not worry about "what" might happen in 20 years. If you worry about right now... this minute... rinse and repeat... everything will work out well for you. Take care!
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Old 05-30-2012, 01:25 PM
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Thanks guys... You always know the right things to say!
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Old 05-30-2012, 03:29 PM
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You are going to beat this thing and turn it around, EXM6. I can hear it in your posts. I can hear it in the way you share with us the love you have for your daughter. You do need to grieve the alcohol in a way. It's like your ex. You need to grieve him even though he sounds very toxic to you. I recommend you read Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp. This very subject is pretty much the gist of the book.
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Old 05-30-2012, 03:46 PM
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All the best.

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Old 05-30-2012, 05:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Soberween View Post
You are going to beat this thing and turn it around, EXM6. I can hear it in your posts. I can hear it in the way you share with us the love you have for your daughter. You do need to grieve the alcohol in a way. It's like your ex. You need to grieve him even though he sounds very toxic to you. I recommend you read Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp. This very subject is pretty much the gist of the book.
Geeze that was nice. Thank you. I will definitely check out the book. I've seen other people write about it and it looks like a good read.

Thank you again everyone!
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Old 05-30-2012, 06:30 PM
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Good vent, EXM! I'm trying to think back on what I felt after 10 days sober..... I'm sure I still had the mental obsession and negative thoughts, plus the fear of being able to stay sober. It was a full two weeks before I even allowed myself to think I might actually be able to do this.

With each day, you're building towards a new kind of strength and confidence. One day it will really hit you that you're calming dealing with something that used to shatter your world. It's pretty cool......
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Old 05-31-2012, 12:09 AM
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Drinking: A Love Story - GREAT BOOK
My aunt gave it to me after a pretty horrific scene (me) at Thanksgiving 2 years ago - it started me on my path to sobriety...
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