Lifes too short for it too be this hard.
It has been a while since I posted so I will give some background:
On the 25th May 2011 my AH admitted himself into rehab. Leading up to the admission we were all on our knees with desperation. He was so ill with his alcoholism that it really was beyond his control and he needed professional help.
Rehab was really tough but he spoke very highly of the help he received and he came home a different person. To date he is still not the person he was before rehab treatment, he changed and for the better.
After rehab he stayed clean for about 5 months.
Then one day he stupidly used cocaine - You know what happened next right?
For the last 6 months he has continued to relapse on and off. Not continuously and no where near on the scale he used to but none the less the pattern has emerged.
Prior to rehab the terror I felt everytime he drank was undescribable. I suppose there is no need to describe it to anyone here - You too will be only too familiar with any words I choose. It is the worse feeling in the world. Every sober period (5-10 days max) I would be hopeful that this time he would do it and then it would come crashing down again and I will feel like he was never going to get better.
I am here today because I am confused how I feel now, one year on.
For some reason, I feel calm. I believe he is going to make it to long term sobriety. Yes he is much better than he was but he is far from in recovery so why do I feel this way?
This feeling is not one of desperation. In fact I am no longer desperate when he drinks because I trust it will pass and he will get better. I don't try and kid myself because the alternative is too much too bare.
This feeling is just there. Not just for me but with my AH family too.
So I question why?
I can't possibly know he is going to be OK.