Lifes too short for it too be this hard.

Old 05-28-2012, 08:32 AM
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Lifes too short for it too be this hard.

It has been a while since I posted so I will give some background:
On the 25th May 2011 my AH admitted himself into rehab. Leading up to the admission we were all on our knees with desperation. He was so ill with his alcoholism that it really was beyond his control and he needed professional help.

Rehab was really tough but he spoke very highly of the help he received and he came home a different person. To date he is still not the person he was before rehab treatment, he changed and for the better.

After rehab he stayed clean for about 5 months.
Then one day he stupidly used cocaine - You know what happened next right?

For the last 6 months he has continued to relapse on and off. Not continuously and no where near on the scale he used to but none the less the pattern has emerged.

Prior to rehab the terror I felt everytime he drank was undescribable. I suppose there is no need to describe it to anyone here - You too will be only too familiar with any words I choose. It is the worse feeling in the world. Every sober period (5-10 days max) I would be hopeful that this time he would do it and then it would come crashing down again and I will feel like he was never going to get better.

I am here today because I am confused how I feel now, one year on.

For some reason, I feel calm. I believe he is going to make it to long term sobriety. Yes he is much better than he was but he is far from in recovery so why do I feel this way?

This feeling is not one of desperation. In fact I am no longer desperate when he drinks because I trust it will pass and he will get better. I don't try and kid myself because the alternative is too much too bare.

This feeling is just there. Not just for me but with my AH family too.

So I question why?
I can't possibly know he is going to be OK.
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Old 05-28-2012, 09:02 AM
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I understand completely what you are feeling as I had the same exact calm and was absolutely positive my XA was going to be one of the very few who escape alcoholism and everything was going be to be wonderful some day!

I was wrong and in looking back I think I was irrational and was decieving myself and he had a vested interest in masking things so I would believe in the fantasy. For my story you can pull my old posts... too long to share.

My e,s and h to you is alanon, read, read, read and a great counselor who understands addiction. Take care of you... stay in your own hula hoop (new saying I love) and you will be prepared for WHATEVER the uncertain future brings... and life with an A... abstinent, recovered or drinking is uncertain!

You take care of you... and everything will work out great one way or the other.

At least it was with me... I'm good. He is "in recovery" or so he says. I would be swooning with delight a year ago because he is not drinking and is in another recovery program (this will be number 8).

My A roller coastered for years and years and I rode along blissfully believing everytime was the last time... now I am more realistic. Alcoholics drink. Drinking is not the problem... staying STOPPED is the problem. So... welcome to what may become your life...over and over and over and over again.

Again... no one knows if your A is one of the very, very, very few that make it and beats alcoholism but if move forward in your own recovery so you "see it with a new pair of glasses" and fully understand the dynamics of addiction and codependency you will be fine whatever happens.
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Old 05-28-2012, 09:13 AM
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I agree with with everything Hopeworks said completely. I think you summed it all up in your subject, "Lifes too short for it too be this hard."

I also used to think the alternative of my XAH not getting better was too much to bare. Then I realized that the reality of what my life had become, should I choose to take a hard realistic look, was even harder to swallow. For me, I knew a life on this rollercoaster was not for me and I chose to go down the scary path of one on my own - one I always thought I could NEVER forge. While I understand that this isn't the path for everyone, the smartest thing I FINALLY did was to stop pretending he was magically going to beat this.

I wish you love and support on your journey. Apologies if this is harsh - Some of the best advice I received here at SR when I first joined was the same exact advice I did not want to hear.

XOXO
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Old 05-28-2012, 10:21 AM
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I too love what hopeworks has to say above.

But...always a but, as Mike says!...could it be you are working on detaching from his stuff? Granted, I have not read your previous posts...but detachment can also give us a calm feeling in the midst of the hurricane.
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