It is so interesting to come back to this post. My latest posting was "what am I thinking?" in regards to going to visit him and now I am right back to "when is enough finally enough?" But now my new post is no longer a question. It will read "enough is enough." And believe me, the tape that replays in my head is not all of our happy memories. It is all of the repeated lies, cheating, abuse, threats, promises, manipulation and BS. I do cherish our good times and hope this turns out to be a healthy growth process for both of us. But all I can do now is fight for me.
I am on day 7 of no contact and and very minimal throughout the last 2 weeks. I set a boundary that was clear, concise, and unambiguous. No contact directly or indirectly via any route of communication for one year. After one year, if and only if, he is sober and working an authentic recovery program may he contact by a brief email to state that he is sober and in recovery. Then I will decide if it is safe for me to contact him. And if and only if he is not in and has not been in another relationship. I sent this via email so that he would have it in writing and asked that any time he felt tempted to call he could read this instead. I also stated that the main obstacles to being in a relationship with him, despite the love I feel for him, are the addiction, trust, distance, and abuse which all translate back to addiction. Not so sure that his meanness comes from addiction or if that is just who he is as a result of unresolved issues. Not my business anymore.
There were no other terms. Non-negotiable. No trying to figure out what I am doing or where I am going through friends or family or the internet. His number is blocked. His email is filtered. I have no social media. I am not available for more abuse. I don't feel attached to what he is doing, is not doing, might do, or how he feels. He has had no consideration for how I feel or my well-being. This is one of the most selfish, cunning, baffling, and insane diseases I have ever come across- this addiction thing. Death of the spirit for anyone who plays with it for too long. So tempting and so disappointing.
It is time for healing. I pray for him. I pray for all. I am not sure what is happening to me now but a really dense fog is lifting and starting to clear away. That really does happen when you start to let go. It is as if someone freed me from being held hostage in a dark cave or as if I was rescued from being a POW. All I know is that detaching is the only option. The other options are no longer an option. I deserve so much better and it is not my fault that he does not love himself. I know without a doubt that letting him go is the best thing for me and my future. This is an act of unconditional love for self and for him.
I will be checking in frequently to SR for to report my number of days of "sobriety." In the time of detaching from him and being in recovery, I am also going to abstain from using alcohol socially and just be free of any clouding of the mind for sometime. I already have so many tools for coping and I use them every day. The main tool is HALT- don't let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. This really helps. The rest is living my life and getting out into the world again with a new set of eyes. The tears come and go but it's getting better. The tears are healing the tears. And my HP is with me the whole way. Blessings and prayers to all...