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When is enough finally enough?

Old 03-19-2012, 02:21 PM
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When is enough finally enough?

What a ride this has been. I have weathered so much these last two years with my "now long distance," "not really in recovery," "cross-addicted," "not really BF," but "not really ex." We were separated by the addiction and it keeps me at a physical distance but emotionally we have never separated. And somehow I can still carry on- thanks to a lot of support and will power.

Meanwhile I have held on to something feeling like it has not been the right time to let go as if it is something I am trying to accomplish. This week has been a period of calm so far with very minimal contact. Seriously, what is my problem. Heroin relapse, lying, deceit, betrayal, cheating, straying, emotional abuse, manipulation, mind games, push/pull...what am I doing?

Why can't I just politely bow out of this gracefully with applause. "Exit stage left" from this mess of a theatrical drama that has become our relationship. Drama addiction and love addiction- is that what I have become? There is so much distance between us now and somewhere deep down I know the truth. Is the truth just hard to swallow for fear that I may never get over him.

And once again, he is calm, cool, collected, charming, thoughtful, caring and I can't help but think it's a ploy. I doubt I will ever truly trust him as it is without a shadow of a doubt that this man will perpetually hurt me. Is this just good behavior on his part because he can sense I am pulling away? It is almost easier to operate with all of the drama. At least it is clear what is going on when there is chaos. When it is this calm the mind can play tricks on you. He sounds so sober now on the phone these past few days and he really wants me to know about it how his life has purpose now. It seems like a good time to let go. This is what draws me back in every time.

I am going to try no contact again and really want to send a goodbye letter but just feel it will arm him with new tactics to pull me back in to his gravity. For all of you that have been able to commit to your recovery and stay no contact, you are brave and courageous. Please send some my way. I start therapy this week and just wondering if there is an anti-love potion I can swallow to get his memory out of my head. If we really love one another why can't we just let each other go- now.
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Old 03-19-2012, 03:17 PM
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Cause and Effect

Originally Posted by blackandblue View Post

I am going to try no contact again and really want to send a goodbye letter but just feel it will arm him with new tactics to pull me back in to his gravity.
Seeing our role in all that happens is a component to our own recovery.

The good-bye letter, if you send it, is your tactic to allow him to pull you back in to the drama and chaos.

Write it if you must. No need to send it unless you choose to create the drama he will use to suck you back in. Why go there?
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Old 03-19-2012, 03:57 PM
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Do you really want to know what I think?
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:02 PM
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why are you feeling so not worthy of a good and healthy relationship?
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Old 03-19-2012, 06:17 PM
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I think that deep down, you already know when enough is enough. When you cut the cord, it won't be easy. It will hurt. But there are worse things than cutting the cord...and that's staying in a situation that robs a little bit of your soul every day.

Go read a post I wrote called "Busy Living Life". Whether you believe it or not, there is life after we leave the addict (or the addict leaves us). And I kid you not: if I can get through it, so can you. You just have to decide that you can and reaffirm that belief every day.

God Bless. I'll be thinking of you.

ZoSo
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Old 03-19-2012, 06:44 PM
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Enough is Enough when you decide it to be...and...not one minute before.
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Old 03-20-2012, 03:35 AM
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Oh dear god. I just cut the cord and it hurts. I endured a stupid conversation that started in circles and ended with him making fun of al-anon and my recovery. Then he called me an alcoholic. I laughed. I managed to slip in a goodbye and it's over. (A plea to self- Please for the love of myself and god, do not contact him anymore). I see how this is a cycle of defensiveness between two crazy people. Truthfully, tonight I just feel rage, emptiness, grief, and unbelievable cynicism about romantic love and relationships. Think I will stick to friends and family. Enough is enough.

Anvilhead- I see that it is about me and I am working on that. I realize I am unavailable for intimate love. I keep setting myself up for more hurt and I have to let go.

Zoso- Enough was enough from the start. I held on because I was blind. I confused love with something else entirely. This man never loved me. I chose a man who could not love me. That is what frightens me. I read your previous post and it does give me hope. And yes, I like to hear what you think. I have more hope for recovery tonight.

Fourmaggie- Tough question that I cannot honestly answer. I am sitting with this one.

Outtolunch- Thanks, I did not write it. Been there done that.

Thanks to all!
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Old 03-20-2012, 07:44 AM
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Originally Posted by blackandblue View Post
Oh dear god. I just cut the cord and it hurts. I endured a stupid conversation that started in circles and ended with him making fun of al-anon and my recovery. Then he called me an alcoholic. I laughed. I managed to slip in a goodbye and it's over. (A plea to self- Please for the love of myself and god, do not contact him anymore). I see how this is a cycle of defensiveness between two crazy people. Truthfully, tonight I just feel rage, emptiness, grief, and unbelievable cynicism about romantic love and relationships. Think I will stick to friends and family. Enough is enough.

Anvilhead- I see that it is about me and I am working on that. I realize I am unavailable for intimate love. I keep setting myself up for more hurt and I have to let go.

Zoso- Enough was enough from the start. I held on because I was blind. I confused love with something else entirely. This man never loved me. I chose a man who could not love me. That is what frightens me. I read your previous post and it does give me hope. And yes, I like to hear what you think. I have more hope for recovery tonight.

Fourmaggie- Tough question that I cannot honestly answer. I am sitting with this one.

Outtolunch- Thanks, I did not write it. Been there done that.

Thanks to all!
Please don't personalize what happened. Was he capable of moments of kindness from time to time? Sure. But the problem is he (and addicts in general) aren't capable of sustaining that type of emotional commitment over the long term. You thought otherwise. And so did I. Both of us paid for it.

Now that the cord is cut, be kind to yourself. You're going to be in for one heck of a ride emotionally. Ground yourself the best you can. Don't isolate. Reach out to your supports. Do something good for yourself. And reaffirm every day that you will get through this even though the pain may be awful.

Be safe, and God Bless.

ZoSo
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Old 03-20-2012, 08:07 AM
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hi Black and Blue,

I am here with you. It has been a month for me of almost no contact (two texts and some glances into his "facebook world").

Every day I gain clarity and acceptance. My hostility has receded. I am refocusing on my life. During the two plus years that I was with my ex a lot of my energy went to hoping and working on the relationship. Now that I am away and walking solo I am ever more aware of how much time/energy was spent there...and still is, because I am spending energy trying to recover. I guessed with a friend the other day that I must have spent around 300 hours on SR in the last few months!! (long posts )

Life, after laying down my weapons and surrendering, looks good. Surrender and acceptance feels like a rest for my soul. I just keep finding more trust in believing in my own life, destiny, fate...whatever that is for you.

Refocusing this way takes some solid work, and a lot of LOVE for self! I have to keep watch over my own self talk and make corrections. My self critical, blaming shaming hurt self was crying out for attention. Take care of yourself...and I truly believe, from experience now, that you get through the fog somewhat quickly.

There is more to process, feel, grieve, etc. But at least now I can do it with increased clarity and serenity. Just get yourself through the first weeks. Be gentle with yourself. I have discovered that, for me, the harsh self talk doesn't work...it only shames me back into insisting that the relationship will work. If only I try harder, or believe in love more...

I have found that I can still "try harder" (work on my own well being and recovery) and still believe in the power of love (letting him go is an ongoing amazing lesson) from a distance and with more peace.

I agree with Zoso, that an active addict just cannot SUSTAIN the energy of a relationship. I have witnessed that sad and painful struggle and have bowed out of it, for his sake and my sake. I am feeling peace with my self for having let go...I wish the same for you.
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Old 03-21-2012, 11:50 AM
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It can be an agonizing decision to let them go. However, for me, I am finding that the difficulty in letting go was so much more about ME, than the fact of missing him. I have had "some slap me in the face" revelations about what motivated my actions, what made me feel certain behaviors were acceptable, etc. I sure have some work to do on myself before I can be in a relationship with anyone, let alone a person with an addiction. Keep up with your own meetings, lots of self love, good literature (if you like to read), coming to these boards, and believe me as time passes you will notice that you have more brighter days, than gray.
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Old 03-21-2012, 12:07 PM
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Originally Posted by blackandblue View Post

I see how this is a cycle of defensiveness between two crazy people.
This remark may change a reader's life. Thank you for making a difference.
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Old 03-21-2012, 12:10 PM
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Originally Posted by blackandblue View Post
When is enough finally enough?.
Yesterday.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 03-21-2012, 12:19 PM
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I was young when we married and had no idea of his drug use, and since I did not use I did not notice the symptoms. Then after about 4 years he wanted out, would leave for a few months and then wanted to come back.

He partied with other women and I stayed home with the kids. After a court ordered rehab he was fired from his job. We both grew up in poverty and had well paying jobs.

After losing his job (selling drugs from the company vehicle and I did not learn that until years later) I could not get rid of him and the police would not make him leave. I had to call the governor's office, I have no idea who I talked to years ago, but it was the beginning of reforms for women's rights. She was outraged and called the police for me. They showed up in a hour and he pulled a knife on them in front of our two small kids. They took him to jail and he called me collect, like I would accept!!!

It is so very hard to leave them, they do have their good days when we feel loved. From counseling I have learned that after a while they will do anything to get the drugs. Even abuse if you are in their way.

No one is going to put up with their drug use unless it is another druggie and we both know how long that relationship will last lol!!!!

Don't beat yourself up over it, you are out, stay strong because he will still contact you. You are his strength, his nasty words are to mask his insecurity and hurt.

I had children to support but I should have walked out years earlier. Now I can look back and shake my head at myself for staying as long as I did.

Start a new life and never look back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 03-22-2012, 12:19 AM
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Zoso- You're going to be in for one heck of a ride emotionally

You are not kidding about this one. I cut another cord yesterday but does not feel like I cut THE cord. Rage is growing inside me like I'm about to give birth to it. I have many great outside distractions during my day and at night it is just a gut wrenching, heart breaking, maddening war inside of me. Can I please call it "codependent rage." Yes I have outlets- especially my music but it is not enough. I feel I have become unable to be anything other than heavy and serious for so long other than the mask of success and happiness I wear for the world.

In our goodbye last night on the phone I feel like I gave him exactly what he wanted. He was so painfully nice and appeasing. He said he would give me the space I needed and that he understood that this was all his fault. He said he loved me and always have (as I am cringing inside because I believe that everything out of his mouth is a lie). He said he hopes that I want a relationship in the future- blah blah blah. He also said that he thinks I enjoy fighting and that I don't really want a relationship. This comment alone just makes me want to scream but instead I bottled it. How dare he. Guilt, shame, ugh- stop!

But tonight for the first time he didn't call and I think to myself- this is a good thing right. This is what I am supposed to do. Do not contact this man anymore, ever again, for the rest of my life so help me god, in sickness and in health, will you please take your life back for yourself, and for god sake stop saying yes to this man. And to think I wanted marry this man, huh?

I understand that it will get better. I just hope that I can one day have no more feelings for this man because right now all I can think about is that I fell in love with this man and cannot fall out just by saying goodbye. I also accept that I may never fall out of love with him.

I can't be nice to him right now. I can't think nice thoughts. I don't want to be friends with this man. I don't want to know anything about him anymore. Not if he is clean. Not if he is alive. Not if he has moved on. Not if he has stayed the same. Not if he is married with children and perfectly clean and sober and in recovery. Not if he is happy or sad. No reconciliation or reunion. I do not want amends. That would cause me harm. This to me is like grieving someone who I loved that died.

Al-anon meeting, therapy, yoga, music and work tomorrow- preoccupation is survival for me.

I will pray for everyone in SR tonight. I will pray for serenity. I will probably cry my face off until I pass out.
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Old 03-22-2012, 12:32 AM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
This remark may change a reader's life. Thank you for making a difference.
Your welcome. Thank you for seeing the insight in this. It helped me reflect on what I meant.
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Old 03-22-2012, 12:46 AM
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SuzyMarie, Helpme33, Zoso, leslie j- all of your insights have a theme that is helping me see a bigger picture.

You are his strength, his nasty words are to mask his insecurity and hurt.

the harsh self talk doesn't work...it only shames me back into insisting that the relationship will work

what motivated my actions, what made me feel certain behaviors were acceptable

Please don't personalize what happened


This is codependency that has progressed and lived in me for many years- since I was quite young.

That is coming out as surpressed grief...hence my rage...I just have never let go.. it has never been safe to let go... except here in this forum...

I am ready to wake up from this nightmare of a dream!
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Old 03-22-2012, 03:18 AM
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Originally Posted by blackandblue View Post
Zoso- You're going to be in for one heck of a ride emotionally


In our goodbye last night on the phone I feel like I gave him exactly what he wanted. He was so painfully nice and appeasing. He said he would give me the space I needed and that he understood that this was all his fault. He said he loved me and always have (as I am cringing inside because I believe that everything out of his mouth is a lie). He said he hopes that I want a relationship in the future- blah blah blah. He also said that he thinks I enjoy fighting and that I don't really want a relationship. This comment alone just makes me want to scream but instead I bottled it. How dare he. Guilt, shame, ugh- stop!

.
This is exactly what I just went through last Sunday with my ex...who didn't even give me the benefit of a conversation, just text messages because he couldn't "bear to hear my voice." Said this is all his fault, he knows his poor choices led to this, that he's now clean but can't be in a relationship where someone doesn't trust him, etc. Everyone here pointed out to me that it was manipulation and in the end it made me feel guilty and unworthy. I can feel your pain. It's been no contact since Sunday and I'm still sick to my stomach with grief. I hope you feel better. No one deserves to feel this way. This is a toxic relationship and we both deserve to feel better. It's just hard right now.
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Old 03-22-2012, 06:03 AM
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Enough was enough for me when I could see that I was just wasting my energy, my sanity and my life trying to save that which was not mine to save.

The hard part was making the decision to let go. When the time was right, even that decision was easy...I was done.

Hope you reach that good place of "done" soon too.

Hugs
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Old 03-22-2012, 10:47 AM
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It's always that wanting to get in one more word, say one more thing, see him one more time, good memories, and bad memories that takes you for a ride. So tempting to send him an email. There is always more to say even when you are letting go. So I have to save it for this forum. Because I am too tempted to open pandora's box.
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Old 03-22-2012, 12:09 PM
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I was like that after he left, have the same feelings, It was crazy now that I look back, it was easy for him the no contact, for me has been torture, 16+ years with this man and he just moved on.
I had to hit my pillow a dozen times just to get the anger and the tears out, now is just part of my ES&H. Things will get better, it is OK to feel. The pain will diminish a lot, mine still there but just barely. Good luck to all of you that are going thru a breakup, you are really breaking free...better things are coming your way...trust your HP.
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