Oh. My. Gosh. I so feel your pain - it's heartbreaking, palpable, searing, wrenching, and doesn't get better overnight.
Our daughter just got out of jail for the umpteenth time after a relapse, and we told her she could not come home when she asked if she could. She was very silent (on the jail phone) for a long time and in a small voice said "why?". I told her it was not helping anyone...us or her...and until we saw actions to back up the claim she wanted to get better it had to be this way.
I cried that whole day - deep sobs that made me physically sick. I've never known such guilt, but know in my heart our lives couldn't have taken another stint of her living here.
We'd done that SO many times and it was always the same. She'd be here for a couple weeks, stay completely unmotivated, trash her room, and leave. AND USE. This last time when cleaning her room (after letting it sit for weeks, hoping she'd come back to do it herself) I found 15-20 needles, spoons, foil, tiny ziploc baggies...
She is now on the streets. I'm beside myself, but know in my heart I can't have my home upended again. Can't sleep with one eye and ear open. Can't hide my valuables. Can't take the waiting up for her to come home late at night. Can't deal with the mess. Can't accept the drug use in my home. Can't let her meet dealers out front of the house. Can't stand the sneakiness, the lying, the UNDERLYING disrespect. (She's rarely raised her voice to us, and accepts our conditions without argument ON THE SURFACE...that's one reason it's so hard. She never overtly does anything awful. Never mean and nasty to mom or dad. But the actions underneath are always the same - those of a hard core drug addict who will do anything to get heroin.)
It IS the hardest thing - to say no to a child, even an adult one, when their request is for basic necessities of life. It goes against every fiber in a mother or father's being. It is absolute torture for US and makes us question our own values, standards, and decisions.
I find myself worried when she's gone and I don't hear from her. I find myself worried when she's home and available. I worry that life will never be anything but pain and WORRY.
You are not alone...