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Son's relapsed again...please help me...

Old 05-10-2012, 07:37 PM
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Son's relapsed again...please help me...

Oh my god...please help me. I cannot believe I am here again. After all these years of ups and downs with my 25 yr old sons addiction...we are right back to square one again. He was on the Suboxones and decided to wean himself off and no sooner he was off..he relapsed. He had just finished college...I was thinking he was moving forward with his life... and now he has gone back to that dark place again. He was on some kind of tranquilizer the other day...like he was off in another world. I cant take this anymore...I have to get him out of my house. I am pacing the floors...I am sick in my stomach every time he walks out the door. I am so emotionally drained I dont know where to turn. I feel so guilty but I have told him he has to leave. I cant do this anymore. I really feel like if he doesnt leave...I am gonna be in the nuthouse. Sorry I am venting....but I know that you understand. I feel so guilty telling him to leave...
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Old 05-10-2012, 07:44 PM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this again. Your son made his choice to relapse and that has nothing in the world to do with you. If you want him out of your house, then do that. He will figure out how to survive. He's not an 8 year old kid, he is a grown man. If he wants to live the live of an addict, that is his business, but you do not have to sit and watch. You deserve peace in your home. You have nothing at all to feel guilty about. (((HUGS)))
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Old 05-10-2012, 08:04 PM
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(((puddinface))) - I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I think you probably remember, but I'm both an RA and a loved one of A's...a recovering codie.

Had my family not loved me enough to let me dig myself into a really deep hole, hit bottom, and figure my way OUT of the hole (still working on it, 5+ years into recovery), I don't know that I would be here. Pretty sure I wouldn't.

My dad told me of all the times he wondered if I was dead or alive. My stepmom told me of all the times he cried at the sheer helplessness that he felt.

I can't undo that. The best I can do is thank him...thank you for letting me fall, thank you for letting me deal with my consequences, thank you for letting me back in your life when my ACTIONS showed recovery. Thank you for knowing that I slip? I'm out..on my own.

I will say extra prayers for you and your son.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 05-10-2012, 09:35 PM
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puddinface, take a deep breath.

I am glad you feel safe enough to come back here. Sorry he relapsed. You cant control it, you didn't cause it. Relapse is just part of recovery, that is the way it is. It is his life and he has to make his own mistakes, but you don't need to feel the fall out from them. You need to concentrate on YOU.

The hardest thing I ever did was tell my son he had to leave and not to call or come back till he was clean. I mean the hardest thing ever. But I had to let go and let God take care of him. Until I got out of the way and let him feel his own consequences he just used me to keep using. Now it was a long time before I herd from him. But about a year later he came back clean, and working the program. We just need to get out of the way so they can grow on there own .

Sending strength and prayers,
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Old 05-10-2012, 09:36 PM
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Don't feel guilty. Having my son home after rehab didn't work, either. Many people told me to not let him come home after rehab and they were right--but as in many other areas of life, we often have to learn the hard way. Things seem better for my son now he's living away from home. I hope things will get better for you and your son after he moves out, too. One thing that has helped my sanity is not knowing every little thing that is going on in my son's life while he lived at home--both good and bad. It certainly is easier on me emotionally.
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Old 05-10-2012, 09:58 PM
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Hello Puddin, just weighing in to give my support and understanding. My son is 22. He is living in a sober living hotel with 21 other men. He seems to be doing well, but he doesnt tell me much about his life now. I prefer it that way. The best thing you can do is give your son the dignity of his choices and let him go. You will find peace. As a codie, it hurts me not to "know" what is going on with my son, but it also brings peace and unity to the rest of the family. I pray for him daily and enjoy the brief visits we have. You can have that peace and you can have that hope. Hugs and best wishes and prayers to you and your family.
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Old 05-10-2012, 10:22 PM
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I'm so sorry. It hurts.

The one thing that is reassuring is that here others understand your need to ask him to leave. We don't question it. We don't think of you as a bad parent for making a decision to save your own sanity and allow him to face the consequences of his disease.

You and your dear son will be in my prayers. I pray that this will be just a temporary setback and that once he realizes that a sober life is a better life....he'll get back to it.

Please......take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 05-10-2012, 10:30 PM
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puddinface, I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this again. I just want you to know that as I read your post, I could feel your heart breaking as mine has done so many times over the years while dealing with my grown son & his addiction. I totally understand how you feel.
****************{Understanding Hugs}}}}}}}}}
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Old 05-11-2012, 06:50 AM
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(((Puddinface))) It was terrrible telling my AD she had to go but we had to do it. Be strong.
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Old 05-11-2012, 07:15 AM
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Guilt? Absolutely not. He 25+/-. Nothing short of kidnapping and tying him down ( a crime) is going to stop him from living his life as he sees fit to do.
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Old 05-11-2012, 08:40 AM
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I thank you all so much. I always feel so reassured when I come to this forum. Everytime he relapses...I immediately start questioning myself as a parent...every single time!! I always start thinking...what did I do...what didnt I do...where did I go wrong. Why do we always blame ourselves for their situation. I should have forced him to leave a long time ago...just didnt have the strength and then of course you start thinking is it better out there on the streets or is he safer at home? Him being at home has not changed him one bit...he is still using. The only time he even remotely looks at me for more than 5 seconds is when he wants something. I have enabled him long enough. I am physically ill over this boy and it is so sad that there is nothing I can do to help him. I told him last night that he has exactly 2 weeks to find a place. I am also turning off the cell phone that I have been paying for. I figure, if he has money to buy drugs..he can pay for his own cell phone. I know he will survive. Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. I really am so happy that I have this place.
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Old 05-11-2012, 09:36 AM
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Puddinface, you are doing all the right things. I will keep you and your son in my prayers. My AS is 22. Plans to attend college one more year. He's currently working his program as far as we know for 3 months. We have set the limit of September 1 as his move out date and I asked him not to ask us to come back home again to live, only to visit. I attend an Al-Anon meeting on Monday nights that is made up of parents. It has been a huge help to me. Thanks for sharing on this board.
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Old 05-11-2012, 12:24 PM
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Originally Posted by puddinface View Post
Oh my god...please help me. I cannot believe I am here again. After all these years of ups and downs with my 25 yr old sons addiction...we are right back to square one again. He was on the Suboxones and decided to wean himself off and no sooner he was off..he relapsed. He had just finished college...I was thinking he was moving forward with his life... and now he has gone back to that dark place again. He was on some kind of tranquilizer the other day...like he was off in another world. I cant take this anymore...I have to get him out of my house. I am pacing the floors...I am sick in my stomach every time he walks out the door. I am so emotionally drained I dont know where to turn. I feel so guilty but I have told him he has to leave. I cant do this anymore. I really feel like if he doesnt leave...I am gonna be in the nuthouse. Sorry I am venting....but I know that you understand. I feel so guilty telling him to leave...
I am so sorry about this.

But as others have said and as you well know, your son made his choices. And now it time you make your choices. If that means he has to leave the house, then he has to leave the house. If that's your boundary, then you have to hold it and maintain it.

It's times like these we turn to those who love us and support us. Do what you have to do to protect yourself. If that means going to a Nar Anon meeting, please do so.

Will be thinking of you this evening during my prayers.

Be Safe,
ZoSo
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Old 05-11-2012, 01:50 PM
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I'm sorry to hear about your son. I know how hard it is when they relapse. I have an ASD who recently got out of rehab. His drug usage is not your fault. He made the choice to use. It is good that you are kicking him out. He is an adult. You are acknowledging that he makes his own choices and is responsible for himself. Good job on not paying for his cell phone, too. It is good that you have a move out date. Hopefully, that will help make it easier for you. If you have to, kick him out sooner. That might sound rough, but I've been throgh this with two adult step-daughters. We even had to kick the non-using one out because she was making a mess out of our house and not doing her share. She is now a responsible young lady with two jobs and her own place. So, sometimes, it's just time to give them a boot out of the nest!!!
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Old 05-11-2012, 01:56 PM
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Hi puddinface,

It's great that he finished college, but a shame that he is using. Good job on kicking him out. I have a daughter with similiar problems. I know how hard it is. You have no control over him.
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Old 05-13-2012, 04:42 PM
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Oh. My. Gosh. I so feel your pain - it's heartbreaking, palpable, searing, wrenching, and doesn't get better overnight.

Our daughter just got out of jail for the umpteenth time after a relapse, and we told her she could not come home when she asked if she could. She was very silent (on the jail phone) for a long time and in a small voice said "why?". I told her it was not helping anyone...us or her...and until we saw actions to back up the claim she wanted to get better it had to be this way.

I cried that whole day - deep sobs that made me physically sick. I've never known such guilt, but know in my heart our lives couldn't have taken another stint of her living here.

We'd done that SO many times and it was always the same. She'd be here for a couple weeks, stay completely unmotivated, trash her room, and leave. AND USE. This last time when cleaning her room (after letting it sit for weeks, hoping she'd come back to do it herself) I found 15-20 needles, spoons, foil, tiny ziploc baggies...

She is now on the streets. I'm beside myself, but know in my heart I can't have my home upended again. Can't sleep with one eye and ear open. Can't hide my valuables. Can't take the waiting up for her to come home late at night. Can't deal with the mess. Can't accept the drug use in my home. Can't let her meet dealers out front of the house. Can't stand the sneakiness, the lying, the UNDERLYING disrespect. (She's rarely raised her voice to us, and accepts our conditions without argument ON THE SURFACE...that's one reason it's so hard. She never overtly does anything awful. Never mean and nasty to mom or dad. But the actions underneath are always the same - those of a hard core drug addict who will do anything to get heroin.)

It IS the hardest thing - to say no to a child, even an adult one, when their request is for basic necessities of life. It goes against every fiber in a mother or father's being. It is absolute torture for US and makes us question our own values, standards, and decisions.

I find myself worried when she's gone and I don't hear from her. I find myself worried when she's home and available. I worry that life will never be anything but pain and WORRY.

You are not alone...
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Old 05-13-2012, 05:37 PM
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hi, im a reoverying addict with a few yrs sobriety. the best thing my family could have ever done to help me was to cut me off and allow me to suffer the consequences of my actions, then and only then was i able to see for myself how out of control my life had become. then and only then did i beome desperate to seek help and commit to my own recovery, as long as i had them to supply my basic needs, i was free to provide my drugs.

on the other hand, my addicted hubby's family could or would not let go, he passed away. they literally loved him to death.

you have nothin to feel guilty about, imo. let go and trust god, he knows what it takes to get him where he needs to be. it just maybe what it will take to save your sons life. try to keep the focus on you and allow him to do the same.

i will keep you and your son in my prayers,
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Old 05-13-2012, 05:51 PM
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You are all so wonderful to me...and I thank god everyday that I found this place to turn to whenever I feel like I am at the end of my rope. To Youwillbe.....I thank you for your heartfelt message. It really struck a cord with me because my son is very very much like your daughter. Very quiet, never argumentative, very timid if anything. I have two sons and neither one of them have ever even said a curse word in front of me. I sometimes think thats part of what makes it even harder to push them out of the door. Thank you so much for your wisdom...I really appreciate it!
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