The key for me was seeing a Psychoanalyst..
Not sure if it helps but his key theme was "Healthy" relationships. Why on earth would you put up with your AH partner who is so damaged she/he cant entertain a healthy relationship.
It took six months but after 5 years the AH routine got so old it became boring. I really believe this therapy saved my mind as I was going mad trying to fix it.
Im so eager to move on, meet someone who treats me for me and vice versa.We only have one life and sober or active my AH partner was not a nice person - just took me 4 years to see it.